My sweet Countrygirl, you have, indeed, been brainwashed. It is what it is. Asking God to open your heart to the things that are truly of Him will begin to open that wonderful door. Be kind, forgiving and generous to yourself for awhile. He doesn't run away, even if we do for awhile.

I wish it was that easy...we are on every single rota!! We are signed up for eternity, LOL!

Hubby and I are going to visit an Elim church (have you heard of Elim?)on Sunday evening (our church no longer has eve services due to poor attendance). We are trying not to just go by our 'feelings' but to see if God wants us there.

It would be so great to take some 'time-out' for God to sort out our brains!

I have heard of Elim and you never know until you try...it may be something a little more low key in the sense that you won't feel so battered. I'm just a little raw still, I guess. I was even shocked at myself how this subject made these feelings surface from my toes! I've learned something else about myself today with that. Is your husband going through some of this also? If he is, then you have an ally in your search. If he isn't then it would create some conflict or at least tension I would think. I do hope you find what you're searching for. Mine has been a long, drawn out journey but I've learned so much. In the meantime, and aside from all the church stuff, it sounds like you're going through an awful lot of stress in other areas. It seems they can all come at once. I pray for your coping abilities and good, restful sleep!

Countrygirl, do you know what you are doing? You are using the common sense that God has given you. Not some priest or man-made church has given you these brains to doubt and to question; but God. These God given instincts are there to help you find your own way.

I can only imagine how overpowering such churches and their rules are. You must be an intelligent women to not just succumb because you have been told to do so. I applaud you and have the greatest respect for anyone who “questions”.

If you can, try to take a break from all churches, retreats, preaching and soul searching. Just live, smell the flowers and give your brain and heart a rest.

I had an extremely strict Catholic upbringing. I left the church to find peace in nature. I believe that living our lives to the fullest and appreciating the gift of life within itself is the best thing we can do.

Imagine you give a child a present. And the child keeps questioning if he is worthy of it. Wouldn’t that upset you? Seeing the child cherish and enjoy the gift is what you had wished.

And so I have found an inner peace. I have stopped questioning man-made religious institutions or teachings. I simply believe what my instincts tell me. I believe in God and the power of nature. I cherish and am thankful to God for the gift of life; my life, within this vast incompressible universe, that I, as a simple human being, not even dare try to understand.

Yes..don´t be afraid of the dark nights of your soul..thank you, Eagleheart..I like that expression better than "the black hole"..eventho at times perhaps it does feel more like a "black hole" with all the pain and feelings of anxiety and panic. In either case, countrygirl..sending you lots of big warm bear hugs from Sweden and hoping that you will not be afraid or hesitant to look within yourself.. because you´ll find your answers there, I am sure..in your stillness and in your caring and loving of yourself. Good luck!!!

Hannelore, thank you. I loved your example of giving a child a present...that made so much sense to me. I wish I could just break away from church, even for a while but there is a scripture that talks about not giving up meeting together as some are...I took a 4 year break from church a while back and it just didn't feel right...

I know I can't go on the way I am though...

Ladyjane, my hubby feels the same as me thankfully. He is a relatively new Christian so-to-speak so I have to be careful not to sway his mind in any particular direction!

Plus I feel responsible for the spiritual lives of my kids...I want to make sure I'm guiding them down the right path. (yeah I know, they are 18 and 15...not little kids...but still...)

Thank you humlan, xx

Humlan, I so love to hear your voice here!

thanks, Eagleheart.. that meant very much.