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#129094 - 10/12/07 11:29 AM
Re: My family problem.
[Re: chatty lady]
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Queen of Shoes
Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
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I only have a minute. Dancer, fly out there and get her and the kids, rent a u-haul and drive them back to AZ. I can make arrangements for them to stay at a great shelter. Just be sure she is willing to go with you before you make the effort to do this. Plus, be careful.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice. www.eadv.netBoomer Queen of Shoes
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#129096 - 10/12/07 08:21 PM
Re: My family problem.
[Re: Edelweiss]
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Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
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Hannelore,I shall not give up. I will see this through with her older sister involved as well. Someone needs to keep an eye out for her and her children and if I see an opening where I can get in and get to her, I will take it. Her sister has offered to let her live with her and this sister would be great as far as a caretaker as well as having a degree in early childhood. I'm trying but I get so frustrated everytime I hear something else. Example: Recently, she took her mother's ashes, which she literally stole from the family home when they were there originally, and went to Hawaii to scatter them. None of her siblings were there to scatter them with her and she called me before doing it. She said she was having second thoughts about leaving her three siblings out of it. Her husband offered to scatter them for her there in Hawaii and for some reason, told her that if she would not scatter them then they must remain in the luggage and "he better not see them." She returned from Hawaii, ashes in tow, and now she has them and is waiting again for her siblings to be able to join her. Her mother did not choose Hawaii to be her last resting place either! These sorts of acts, or acting out, are really the influence of her husband trying to cut her off from her siblings and in doing that, her whole family. Her father, step father and mother have all passed. She is alone except for her siblings and myself. It is scary, really. To speak to her in Hawaii was so traumatic for me because it was right after she found his porn and they were battling in front of the children. She has two grown children from a first marriage as well. Again, she is 44. dancer, always confused on this.
Edited by dancer9 (10/12/07 08:28 PM)
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#129097 - 10/12/07 08:33 PM
Re: My family problem.
[Re: Dianne]
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Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
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Her sister and I would do that, Dianne, but she won't leave him. It's the same ol story. She makes excuses for him, fights with him about his abuses, forgives him and tells us, "I want this marriage to work." You have been all over this sort of relationship, I know. There is no way we can force her but she gets close to divorcing him often. Many times she has said she has said she has had enough. The last time, he did threaten her with a messy divorce and a fight over her children. He would not take them but he convinced her enough for the dance to start again. It is frustrating but I cannot leave it alone with a one year old child, and a three year old, both girls, in that home. I am waiting for him to break the law again, which he has and for her to call. If this happens I am going to get the "real police," called there and get them involved. This would get him arrested and start the ball rolling again. As I said, child protection has intervened once but we cannot get enough evidence to satisfy them when we are out of state. We do report when we hear the abuses though. It is hard, really hard, because her MS is flaring. Again, she is the sole support for the family, it is her social security and disability retirement from her job which was good enough to provide a decent amount of money monthly to take care of her, and her girls. dancer, trying
Edited by dancer9 (10/12/07 08:38 PM)
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#129099 - 10/12/07 09:23 PM
Re: My family problem.
[Re: Lola]
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Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
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Lola,I so agree with you, the children come first. The problem is that when her mother died suddenly, her sister left the state and she is the ONLY family member in the state of Virginia! We are all California/Arizona people. If anyone could intervene on the childrens behalf, they would have to do it long distance and we have all made reports but they have told us that our word is not sufficent enough to take action. When the family was there for her mother's memorial service, they were able to get Child Protection to visit the home and they DID give them some required therapy that lasted a short time. Now that everyone is home again, it's hard to get enough evidence to get them to take action. On a better side, my SIL IS strong enough to watch her daughters as much as she can to keep them safe but no one can stop him if he is so inclined and we just aren't sure, we want Child Protection to go in for other abuses, yelling at the children, the danger of them being alone with my SIL in the car with her MS, the danger gets worse and worse as her MS gets worse. She forgets things and has forgotten the baby outside! She yells at them in rages, and I reported this in detail to the CPS office but "not enough!"
She has made contact again and left me a message. I will call her back and see if it is yet another problem with her husband. If it is and it is an offense I can report, I will. Also, she will call her sister if she is upset and if that is about her husband and is a offense by him, she will call the sheriff and ask them to do a "well check," on her sister. We may have her in another one of her divorce moods now. I will let you all know what she says when I talk to her tomorrow. She almost never leaves the house now but only four months ago she was taking her children with her to meet a friend for drinks! I reported that too. I'm trying and I thank you for trying with me. I thank you for caring. This is my major family problem and I have been trying to do my best in it for a long time now. I became aware of it when my MIL died and that was almost to the day, two years ago. If it were my sister I would have more power here. Her sister wants her to come live with her but she is stubborn about leaving that man! I also know she fears him. He drives around in a new truck she bought him with a gun and sometimes he takes the children with him! It's a scary thing. They live in this upper line gated community with, as I said, it's own "police force!" If they were real police, it'd be over already! Wish me luck, round 102! dancer
Edited by dancer9 (10/12/07 09:34 PM)
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#129100 - 10/13/07 03:35 AM
Re: My family problem.
[Re: dancer9]
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Member
Registered: 06/23/06
Posts: 3703
Loc: London UK
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Quote:
On a better side, my SIL IS strong enough to watch her daughters as much as she can to keep them safe but no one can stop him if he is so inclined... we want Child Protection to go in...I reported this in detail to the CPS office but "not enough!"...
Precisely why it is so disturbing, Dancer.
The CPS is bound by duty to even err with caution in cases of child abuse. It is not as if they do not possess a previous record of intervention with the family. Surely, they ought to be able to even consider that perhaps counselling sought in the past had not helped and the situation has only gotten worse. In this case, it was not enough to pare the rotten side of the bad apple. So, where that process is moot, aided and abetted physical intervention outside of it is necessary.
It would be wise to discuss with your SIL "wilful neglect" of the children where there is, by her own admission and submissions, an imminent threat to them. A harsh approach. But, the threat to the children is harsher. And, I hope she sees it for what it is, as that may be the manner it will be treated should anything further happen to the children. If such is presented to your SIL, it might assist you and the sister by enforcing upon your SIL the immediate decision she has to make and the necessity for an expedient departure from the husband. There could be legal repercussions if she prevaricates any further. She was ALREADY duty-bound to have removed the children, at first instance, following the circumstances she found him in bed with the child. IF your SIL omits to act, I would suggest for the sister to seek legal advice where a protective custody can perhaps be sought for children at risk.
Dancer, the burden of this problem and the mechanics with which to resolve it is truly and deeply appreciated. It is a guarantee that a whispered prayer is offered for each time a post in this thread is read and replied to. And, it will continue to be carried in prayer after it has been visited.
Edited by Lola (10/13/07 07:30 AM)
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