I would really appreciate hearing your opinions on the following.

We have two sons. Our youngest son married two years ago and took on his wife’s name since she is a known athlete, and would have identity problems if her name were changed. My husband and I accepted our son changing his name for this reason.

Now our oldest son wants to marry. His wife-to-be wants to keep her maiden name. Our oldest son said he doesn’t want a double name, and came over tonight to tel us that he will be changing his last name to his wife’s name… and then added sheepishly (because he does feel guilty about this), hope that we don’t mind.

Well we do mind. It’s not like our name is Mr. and Mrs. Skunk-Doo-Doo or something. We have a perfectly normal name. We tried to explain to our son that it is difficult for us to accept the fact that we have two sons, and neither of them will carry our family name.

My son suggested I call my future DIL. I asked her to please understand that for us it is an awkward situation. When we introduce each one of our sons with another last name, …well, …it looks like they both had different fathers. Of course I got the standard, “What do you care what other people think.” I just want to add that in Germany people do not go by their first names unless they are family or very close friends.

I’m hurt that my future DIL and my son don’t understand us at all, and are being totally stubborn about this. Her maiden name is just as common as ours, and when I asked her why, … she just said “because.” I also got to tell you that she comes from a gigantic family… We are only three people representing our side of the family : me, Hubby and my other son. We’re just a tiny drop in their family clan bucket anyway. Ugh! I’m getting so mad while typing this.

My husband is as disappointed as I am. It’s only a name… I know…but it’s also the principle. Tell me please, am I being ridiculous about this, or would you all react the same way?

That must be a tough one.

I met a man once who hyphenated his name WITH his wifes. IE:

John Smith-Jones

Hers was Jones...his Smith

Hannelore, I can't be too understanding of your sons because I would definitely feel the same way. Carrying on one's name and heritage is....well, something we hope for. But it sounds like your first son got the blessing to change his name because of his wife but son #2 isn't faring so well. Looking at the big picture and a hundred years from now (and all that stuff) I guess it won't matter but I DO so understand why it would upset you and your husband. It's one of those disappointments that kids pass on when you never would expect it. I know this is no help to you really but I certainly do empathize with your feelings.

I hyphenated my kids names with my maiden name and my ex husbands. My daughter uses my name and my sons use their father's last name. They don't want to use the two names at school because it's a pain on forms etc.

I kept my father's name because my brother didn't have any kids and he was the last one. His name is very important to him. He comes from Denmark and has a printed book with all of the relatives names, births etc. In my father's family the children have their mom's maiden name as their middle name. That way they have both parents names.

I guess all I can say is that things can change. When your son's have children they may face a challenge. What to name the kids. Maybe then their family name will have more importance than it does now.

I must say though that it is surprising that your son's would change their names for their wives. It's sure a different world.

One good thing is that names can be changed back again down the road. I really understand your dilemma. I would express my disappointment but you don't want to get into a war over this as it may backfire.
Kate

Hannelore, is it common in Germany for men to take the surname of the wife? It isn't here so it is surprising to me that your first son did it for his wife. I've heard of women keeping their own name for business reasons, and hubby doing the same, but why do they have to have her name? I empathize with you.

How about asking your son if he could keep his own name and her keep hers? Does that make sense?

Keeping the fmaily name is important. Mom is from a family with nine children. Not one of her siblings had a grandchild to carry on the family name until just last hear. Everyone was so happy to hear when a cousin had a son who could carry on the last name...so this is where I'm coming from.

When I married the final, notice I said final time! I took his name but kept my own as in Chatty Happy-Camper, when I dropped him, I dropped the addition as well. No more camper, LOL, just the happy! I have NEVER heard of a couple marrying and the man takes the womans name??? Weird!!!

I'm in your court, Hannelore. I don't get it at all, and I don't think you are over-reacting, but, you don't want to lose the relationship with your son over this either. It just doesn't make sense.

Do you think that she is thinking she needs to do this because the other new gal in the family did?

As katebcca said
"I must say though that it is surprising that your son's would change their names for their wives. It's sure a different world. One good thing is that names can be changed back again down the road. I really understand your dilemma. I would express my disappointment but you don't want to get into a war over this as it may backfire.".....it sure is a different world and not worth getting into war with your sons! I had a friend whose son changed his name to his wife's.....it was heart-wrenching for his parents...so, so, so sad. I don't get it BUT I'm from a different generation. I can understand so much how your husband and you could be so hurt. It might be one of those times that you let go a little more than you have. Life goes on for you and your husband. Things may change down the road.

I have never understood the need to have a name passed on. Actually, all of us have "made up" names, anyway.

My name means "East house", important probably when it was originated, but in the present, it is simply an odd name.

The idea of passing on the husbands name is not that old, it's a relatively new tradition. No matter the name, your genealogy is still the same.

All this from a woman who never had children - take it for what it is worth - just my thoughts. Nothing more, nothing less.

I Love you, Hannelore, and hope, for you, that their minds do change. If not, will you love them less? I know you won't.