Hannelore, What you said about your son's living situation with this woman and her family, causes me to think that she, and possibly her family, are very happy that your son's family has excluded themselves from the wedding, and that this chain of events fits right in with her plans. I say this because when my husband and I went to our sons wedding in April, my new daughter-in-law's mother made it very clear to me that I was not wanted or needed at the wedding. She was very nasty all week long and made it very clear that as far as she was concerned she could fill the role of mother of the bride and groom. This woman did every thing she could to put herself between me and my son. It was an amazing thing to watch. Might your future daughter-in-law be jealous of the relationship that your son has with his family?

I know the pain that my husband and I have suffered because of this, and I sure hope that your family can get this reconciled before the wedding...

Hannalore,I've been reading as this drama goes on..
I wanted to say that you are staying very strong and I think that is admirable. It sounds like quite the drama and I agree with those who say that if you don't go you may regret it very much. HOWEVER, it is YOUR life and whatever makes you sleep at night is what you must do. We are not in your shoes and cannot say what you should do, we can only guess.
Stay strong, my friend, I'm pulling for you!
dancer

Aaaaah my dear friends. I just love you gals. You have no idea how you are all helping me cope (once again).

Yes, Lola. I’m going to call my younger son and share that quote from Shakespeare.

Quote:

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"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

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What a perfect quote, and how very true. Maybe I’ll copy it and send it to my oldest son as well.

Dancer, If my sons don’t reconcile, I’ll probably have to go without my husband to the wedding. I imagine that I’ll feel more miserable there, then at home. The only solution is a ceasefire.

Muskateerette, you may be on to something there. Actually we get along with DIL’s parents very well. I don’t think they are behind this at all. This is just my DIL. She has a few problems that we could never really understand or relate to; like she hardly leaves the house, she has a terrible weight problem, and has built her cocoon nest the way she needs it around her. It could be that jealousy was once a factor, but it has turned to manipulation, stubbornness and control. My husband and I have never understood what our son sees in her, but we can only accept. There isn’t much else we can do.

Hannelore you are too funny. My name isn't Chatty Happy-Camper, I used that instead of my real name to make a point. I did however drop his name which I added to my own when we divorced...

What's in a name anyway? As long as they are happy and love and respect one another, right?

Hannelore, I have a feeling this will work its way out before the wedding arrives. That's waht I'm praying for. However, even if it doesn't, I think you should put your big girl panties on and dance at the wedding.

I know a man who did not go to his daughter's wedding and I have to think it's one of his biggest regrets in life. They settled their differences shortly after the wedding and have been very close since. Bu the hurtful fact still remains that he didn't go to his daughter's wedding.

Tomorrow afternoon we are having a sort of family conference. This whole thing has become so very ugly. I never would have dreamed of such scenarios,...and it's all instigated by my older son! It's like he's snapped. But at least he’s willing to come over and talk it out with us and his brother. I’m grasping on to any sign of hope now.

I'm going to take a valium. Believe me, I never take those things...but I have a feeling I'll need it tomorrow. If anyone has any prayers left…I could use them.
Thank you.

Hannelore, I have a whole lot of prayers left, and I am spending a lot of them on you. Best wishes and all my love coming your way.

Hope you attend the wedding --no matter what the outcome of the family meeting will be.

Parents and other family members have to remember....it's not about themselves, but about the long-term happiness of the individuals who are getting married.

I would like to add...here...I made a serious mistake when I caved in to parental pressure and did not attend my sister's wedding (the one that they ostracized for 10 years because of marrying a white guy).

I had to (deservedly) deal with the anger and pain from my sister directly for quite awhile....even though she did understand how much pressure her siblings were subjected to by parents.

This is the sister, who is the mother of now a adult daughter who is now an engineer and adult son who was a competitive swimmer, now university student. Yes, my parents are proud of their grandchildren and all is well.

It's a long terrible road when a parent does not attend a child's wedding.


My sister celebrates her 25th weddding anniversary this year.

It is more important than this argument over potential last name change...that the couple are well-matched.

Hannelore,
Good luck with this. I have the experience of not being invited, along with my sisters, to my brother's wedding. We did not get along with my father who abused us to a level that is record, so they invited my father and not us. They only invited him and my stepmother and fell out with them shortly afterwards.
This has created a riff that has lasted years and years. My sister in law still does not respect us so we do not respect her. We are an Italian family, my father is first generation from Italy to Santa Barbara, Ca. We are a proud family and after that wedding, well...we just didn't care anymore and lost touch with our brother. My SIL could have reached out to us and made us part of their lives but said we intimidated her and cut us out at the wedding. It remains a problem. My sisters have not spoken to my brother in almost 20 years.

If you can solve this, I hope you do. It's not your fault but finding out the base problem might be important.

It was not until I saw my sister in law many years later that she confessed to being intimadated by us and so she cut us out. She was still intimadated by me, she told me and she never warmed up. Hopefully you can find the culprit and find the problem and solve it.
If you cannot, it is not your fault. Anymore than my SIL's feelings toward my sisters and I is my fault. We are not to blame for the small hearts of others. We can only forgive and go on.
Good luck, Hannelore. I'll keep you in my thoughts. You've mentioned you think your soon to be DIL might have something to do with this, follow your instincts. I can tell you are a loving woman.
dancer