Why didn't we make it in high school. Number #1
He is of a mixed race, my Mom is racist, she made my life miserable and I always tried to please her but never could.

She somehow turned me against him, made me believe that he was not good enough. Instead of my being angry with my Mom, which I should have been, I got angry at him for causing me to have so much trouble in my life. I felt if I broke up with him that everything would be ok.

At the same time I was really taken with the bad boys. He was far from that, predictable, responsible, loyal, devoted, that was far too boring.

I am finding that nothing has changed. My Mom is the same now as she was then although she doesn't say anything I get her message loud and clear through my father. He is not allowed at her house, she doesn't want to meet him, what am I thinking going out with someone like him etc. etc. She does not know him, has never met him or his family and bases her judgement totally on the colour of his skin.

The past does repeat itself. I find myself sabatoging this relationship again. He is such a good man and has carried a torch for me all these years. It is not easy for me to trust having been in such an abusive marriage, he would give me anything I wanted. As you said, I really need to trust my gut!
Kate

The more the 2 of you can find lengthy time to spend time and understand each other's true daily living style, the clearer it will be to both of you. You need to focus on this as top priority...

and problems on what your mother thinks is pretty secondary.

YOu know your mother won't change...maybe not much. It can take a long time, many years..I do speak from direct experience: My parents opposed my sister's marriage to someone white. The conflict and ostracization went on for nearly 10 years..only when they had children..did things stabilize.

It does cloud things and can wrongfully divert a person's energy from working on a relaionship to dealing with family members who have strong opinions based on wrong/lack iof information.

Kate, after being in an abusive relationship and trying to heal, the pendulum will sometimes swing too far in the other direction. It did for me and I had my defenses up along with some very high walls. It takes time.

Life is short and it's not fair for any man to have to pay the price for what someone else did to you. If you know you still have issues it's not fair to give anyone hopes until you have dealt with your past. I know this sounds blunt but trust goes both ways. He has to be able to trust you, too. You dumped him once and he's still willing to reach out to you...that says something about him, I think. You've mentioned that you think you're sabotaging the relationship. The fair thing to do is to end it until you know you're emotionally and mentally able to pursue a healthy, strong, committed relationship with someone. That's my advice. As far as your mom goes, this is YOUR life, YOUR decision...and it sounds to me like your mom is the controller in your life and still is. I, for one, don't have problems with race so I don't see the issue, but I do know it's a big problem for many, many people. You have to get on a playing field where you stop feeling guilty for making your own decision that go against your Mother's wishes and desires. Why do you still want/need her approval...sounds like an issue you need to address. You're a grown woman with the right to have and make your own decisions. I hope I haven't come across too blunt...I had a controlling dad and I let him almost ruin my life and when I finally took control and stopped trying to please an unpleasable man my life changed for the better. Good luck...work on getting rid of baggage I hear you carrying around and try to find your trusting heart again. Good luck, sweetheart.

I don't how long Kate, you have been with your boyfriend on this 2nd round...but more time you 2 spend together, you'll get a more accurate picture of what you 2 are really like 24x7 for 365 days.

It is difficult if he lives 4,400 kms. away from you. Hey,I know.....there was time he was living here in Vancouver and I was living in Toronto. Wasn't long-- for about 1 yr. Previously he was living in Calgary for 2 yrs. via forced employer's relocation demands. We had been together for over 10 years before he relocated to Calgary.

Oh yea, I forgot...he was cycling around solo in New Zealand for 1/2 year.

All the while we communicated nearly day by email, phone (thank god, Canada has great long distance phone plans) and webcam.

AFter all that....I finally decided to relocate to be under same roof as he..now.

So now he tells me he's going cycling solo in Maritime provinces next month and into October.

Shrug. Pretty small potatoes...this temporary separation. He has insisted on setting on the webcam for us to communicate. He's dragging around his laptop on on bike...well he does need download thousands of digital photos from camera.

I think I've settled down a bit on this situation. I was trying to sabatoge it, I'm sure of that now. I have/had him under a microscope.... baggage from my marriage. I'm trying not to think about it so much and just enjoy the relationship. It's been going on for two years now and we have never had a cross word. He makes me laugh and that is a good thing. Time will tell but for now I am not going to think ahead too much.

I just got back from a holiday with my kids, 8 days on a small island, no phone, computer etc. My kids went squirley for the first two days. It was tough going. What are we going to do now, this is so boring, I need to call my friends, how many more days till we go home, etc. etc.
They are so wired into technology, that is why I took them there.

After two days they were lying on the dock, or swimming or kayaking around the lake which is what we used to do when they were little. I knew taking them to this island as teenagers would be a challenge. But, they soon got into the relaxation part, learning how to be one with nature etc. Not going by our watch, going to bed when we felt like it, getting up when we woke up, no alarm clock. I had some really good conversations with both of them on their own. I highly recommend this with teenagers. They both opened up to me in a way they never do at home. Life is just too busy.
I will cherish those moments.

There were 7 chickens wandering around the property and my son was soon befriending them. They came to our cottage every morning waiting for him to get up and feed them scraps. They made a noise at the door, so funny. He soon had them in the cottage and was picking them up and petting them. So cute, not the part about coming in the cottage though. He took lots of pictures of them and I took a few with him holding a chicken. Too funny.

I was so relaxed by the end of the week. No phone calls as there was no cell service and no phone. I spent the entire week not anticipating my older son was going to call. That was a true rest. Before I left my ex told me that he had done something stupid and the police were looking for him. He is not getting it at all.
Kate