Hannelore, you must feel pulled in all sorts of directions. Your mom must be so scared. She wants to see mountains and lakes. Who knows if we can see them from the after life? I guess if there was a light, it would be that you have the strength (believe it or not) to be there, in the middle, with new life at your arm (grand baby) while your mother needs you in her later years.

Dotsie, you are asking how we would feel about being dependent on another. You had surgery on your knee, right? If I remember correctly it sounded like you had a healthy exchange of doing as much for yourself while relying on others to get around. I think I true test of how much someone loves us is how they treat us when we are sick. I do not fear having others care for me if when I am sick. My fear is that no one will be there! Even those who have children can't be guaranteed that those children will be willing/able/available to help us. I hope that elder care (and we have an expert on this subject on nabbw I think) ...I hope that elder care evolves so that being dependent on others is not a scary proposition, but something to be grateful for, that we are all in this together.

Lynnie, yes, Ross is an excellent caregiver. He even puts little flowers from our garden on the tray when he needs to papmer me after surgeries. I've had a few.

And I don't mind that. In fact, it makes me feel so loved. I guess what I'm referring to is caregiving at the end of life, when you know the end is near and you will not be capable of ever caring for yourself again. That's scary.

For some odd reason, I have missed this entire thread. Hannelore, I am so sorry to hear how much is on your plate. I hope you find the right place for your mom as soon as possible.

I agree with Dotsie - let your brother spend some time alone with your mom. You need the time off, your brother needs to see for himself what is going on with Mother and (forgive me for being so abrupt) your mom needs to know that you have some boundaries.

As far as Dotsie's question about needing to be cared for, I hope that I can be gracious and accept help from others when I need it. I also hope that I will ask for help when I need it. I am not very good at either.

My D, with his Parkinsons, needs tons of help. At first, it frustrated him and he would ask in a very crabby manner for help. Now, he asks without embarrassment. He has to have help, for many daily issues throughout the day. And he is learning to accept that as I am learning to offer help without needing to be asked.

Again, Hannelore, I am sorry to hear all of your life's setbacks, so to speak. If you want to talk, I do have lots of empathy in this area. I have D, mom with Alz, dad with temporary blindness (temporary for a year now) and a brother in California who refuses to come home more than once every 5 years and a sister who just moved to England. Oy!

Anno, since I was not a regular for a while due to travelling to care for my mom several times, I did not realize what you were going through with your parents. Or maybe I knew and it went over my head. But today it really entered my heart. Your mother has ALZ? I found that my stepfather (Dad) has a real hard time understanding that my mom has ALZ. He still says she has "selective memory" but the fact is her memory comes and goes. He is caring for her, cooking for her, and taking her to DR appointments. He has partial blindness. I am surprised he can still have a driver's license. I do think we could have more multi-generational living arrangements.

Thanks Princess for your words. I think my mom has had memory issues for years - dad called it selective memory, too, and us kids called her flacky. It wasn't until I pushed the point with her doctor last year that she was finally diagnosed. Dad's blindness is due to bad eye surgery and when that finally healed he got a case of scabies in his eye. He hasn't driven for a year.

I love your idea Anne. Some friends and I have been talking about buying a big house and taking care of each other as in a commune. I doubt that we will do it, but there is one other idea.

I didn't realize you had all this going on with your parents either, Anno. Do they live near you? Sounds like you're the only caregiver. Is that the case?

The group of gals I get together with monthly have also talked about buying one big home and all living together. I've also read articles about our generation going back to the communal living of the 60s. It makes sense to me.

Not only mom and dad, but Dennis, my dear partner, with his Parkinsons. Just call me Care Taker Ann.

My folks live about an hour and half away. I go there about twice a month. Just for a day.

Yes, the only caretaker and Dennis has no family near, so also for him. So far, I am doing good, and taking care of myself. If anyone hears me start to change, let me know. I intend to come out of all of this on top.

Yes, yes, yes, there is so much talk about communal living, especially for older women, because, of course, women out live men. Even if we weren't interested in men, women tend to be single in later years. This past week I had dinner with friends in their 60s and we envisioned this very thing. I would love to be able to bring what I know I can do to the commune: organization, painting and journaling classes, etc. Just don't get me near the stove. Anno, your chosen picture for BWS has a look of longing, expectation, and "readiness" to it. Also, I knew for a long time that my mom had memory problems. The thing is, she hung on mentally for so long...even though I waited 35 years to tell her the troubles of my childhood, she kept her mind together until I could tell her. Now that she has remembered all that she had to, it seems that her mind told her enough is enough. However, she has developed some habits that trouble me, such as dressing in a small closet because she thinks "others" are watching. So sad. Sometimes I just want to move in with M/D. How in the world Anno did you have Parkinsons as the condition for you to deal with? What a mystery illness.

Yes "Care Taker Ann", you are on top, and I know you'll stay there. But sometimes it helps to break down once in a while and let yourself be comforted and reassured.
((((HUGS))))
Hannelore