Thanks all,
I found out today that he is in jail and has been for two weeks, that's why it has been so quiet. I'm always on pins and needles.
I am going to see a counsellor this week, boy I need it too.
Thanks for the concern.
Kate

Which organization has he, Kate, sought help from?

Are you aware of this provincial resource database that lists all the non-profit, social service organizations?
http://www2.vpl.vancouver.bc.ca/DBs/Redbook/htmlPgs/Search/rbSearch.html

If all else fails, also call the John Howard Society for expert referral. They have branches across Canada. Victoria is a big enough city to have their own location to serve Vancouver Island.

About 3 years ago, I worked for the provincial British Columbia organization for legal aid....there was/still is a service that provides referral, some basic legal information if there is blended problems involving the law, counselling.

ANd yes, we did /they still do deal with phone-in clients who themselves need great deal of help or concerned family members.

But try the Red Book database first for something in Victoria.

Your son must first of all, want to be helped and be committed to change...slowly.

Thanks Orchid,
I had a nice talk with someone at John Howard Society last year. They have great programs but my son was not interested.
The guy gave me his number and said my son could call anytime but he would have to do it not me. They all tell me that.

I will check out the links from Dotsie and yourself.
thanks for that.
Kate

I checked out both of these links. Orchid, there is so much info there. I had no idea. Dotsie, checked out yours too.

Lots of reading for me. My daughter needs to use the computer for homework (don't want to discourage that)
so will read more later tonight.

Thank you so much,
Kate

Kate, just want to let you know I'm thinking of you. Hope starting your new business will provide that distration you so direly need. I think that's the only answer. Just concentrate on your life and your two other children and allow those things to fill your thoughts and plans.

I went to a drug and alcohol counsellor today. She said to shut the door on my son for now.
She told me if he comes to the door to immediately call 911.
She said not to talk to him through the door, don't let him in, give him money, let him use the phone etc.
I am to say to him, I love you but I won't enable you.
When you are clean for six months and getting your life together we can talk about visits etc. but at the moment you have no son privileges as harsh as it may sound.

I told her I worry about him, feel bad for him as he is homeless etc. but she said try to think of him as an adult drug addict criminal trying to break into your house instead of seeing him as a child. At least for now.

I am on the list to join a co-dependant group. It's full so I am on the waiting list. I am sure not the only one going through this type of thing.

Kate

Kate, I'm glad you're reaching out. DO I understand he is in jail now? If so, I recall a friend whose son was in jail and it was during that time that she could relax a bit. Sad, but true.

I like Hannelore's advice.

He is in jail for 20 days, that's it and will be out in two more days.
For a young adult that has been in and out of jail since he was 15 years old, it amazes me that the jail system is such a revolving door. Not that I want him in jail permanently but with his record only 20 days?
Apparently he robbed someone or something like that. I don't know all the details. Our system is a joke.
Kate

katebcca,
What are your feelings about him getting out?
Does he live with you?
dancer

How I feel is concerned. I worry that he will come to my house and try to manipulate me as he has done over and over again. I used to fall for it but after 4 years of this continuous chaos I fall for it less and less.

No he does not live with me. I gave him an option three months before his 18th birthday. I gave him until then as I thought it was the right thing to do. Either clean up your act, go back to school or get a job, or your out. I had my other kids to think about. He had been breaking the law and doing drugs since age 13, hard drugs since 15 which I only found out about years later. I had to do something. He has been back many times but only for short stays waiting for treatment, another manipulation.

One Christmas he was on my deck crying, so depressed that I wouldn't let him in, said he was going to kill himself. (he's said that many times) how could I turn him away on Christmas. My heart was breaking. Once inside he opened his presents and complained about most of them. How much did you pay for this cheap thing, etc. etc. It was not an easy time.

Over the years I have taken him to counselors, doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, police mentors etc. He even had a stay in a youth hospital for acting out teens for 8 weeks. I went once a week and stayed over night and they worked with me to come up with strategies to deal with him. His school would not let him continue to attend unless he was medicated. He has had ongoing youth workers for years. They all say the same thing, I have way too much patience and need to let him go.

I know that I have never given up on him and have done everything humanly possible to help him. Including driving downtown and dragging him to the hospital, detox etc. all the while snarling at me and saying terrible things for interrupting his drug binge. I've paid for treatment centers. I have tried tough love, tried soft love, trying to understand him approach, talked and listened but nothing so far has worked.

I've been told that the entire family should cut him off and only then will he start to look at himself. It's way too easy for him to blame me for his problems when he is on drugs. I have been told I'm an enabler and I am. It's taken me a long time to step back and distance myself from him but that seems to be the only way to help him. I sure hope and pray he gets it soon.
Kate