Thank you Dancer.
I somehow grew up with the instinct to be there for the under dog. I don't know where that came from. In my school days I would always stick up for the kid that was picked on. I felt for them.

Sometimes I feel too much. When something terrible happens to someone I feel their pain. Not the best at times, so I avoid watching the news and reading the paper.

I felt my son's pain. Even though he was putting me through hell, I felt his pain. I think that is the major thing that kept me hanging in there.

Those other parents you speak of, although we can't judge them, they may have been lacking in the empathy department.
I know that when I was in the middle of it I could have easily made it all about me. What he was doing to me.

Often when parents go for help they want someone to fix their kid, do something about their terrible behaviour. But, that is not what is going on for them (the kid) They are not acting out to hurt or stress out the parent, they are out of control for a reason. It's a different reason for everyone of them. Usually they don't even know what it is.

When my younger son who is 14 gets all in my face (which is rarely the case) I ask him what is going on with him. I take the time to listen. One time he was acting so angry and rude. Instead of yelling (which I wanted to believe me) I told him that later that night I want to have a talk with him. He bristled. But, later he came to me. When I said to him, you know sometimes people act out in anger but they are really just sad about something. He broke down and started to cry. We had an incredible moment and things cleared up.

Being a teen is so hard and so many parents forget what it was like. They have little control, no power and their emotions go up and down like a yo yo. They look like adults, but they are not treated like adults. If parents would just listen to them. But many are too busy and overwhelmed and just talk at their kids.

The one bit of advice that I find really helpful is: talk to your kids like you would talk to a friend. Would you say to your friend " get out of here and go to bed, do this, do that, whatever. No you wouldn't or you wouldn't have too many friends.

I try to be respectful to my kids and I expect that back. So far, my 14 year old and my 16 year old are doing great. They are very open with me because I make it safe for them to talk to me and to tell me anything, even the stuff I don't want to hear.

Unfortunately my son was the guinea pig, the first born. I learned so much from dealing with him and now my younger two are benefiting from that.
Kate