I would change a few things if I could do things over again.
When my son was three months away from being 18, I gave him an ultimatum. He had done enough damage by then but I felt I should house him until 18. I think in hind sight, this was not the best decision.

First of all he thought I was kidding and when I put all of his stuff outside the door and had the police escort him somewhere else, he was horrified. I had pulled the rug from under him. In his mind I had given up on him. I had abandoned him. He was violently angry. He just broke in the house on that day so I had to call the police and have him removed. In his mind I was an evil mother who didn't care about him.

In my mind I had to protect my two small other children. They had enough turmoil. I was in a catch 22 situation and I had to do something. The police recommended kicking him out. Easier said then done. They don't have the skill to deal with these types of situations. They do their best. But kicking them out without the opportunity to come back and try again is a mistake. They need to know that they can try again but of coures not indefinately.

If I could do it differently I would have made him leave for maybe three nights after an altercation. Then he could come back and try again ie: not mess up the house, not bring drugs into the house, not be abusive etc. This sounds like alot of work and upheaval but at the time he may have become uncomfortable with this set up. If he continued I would make his time away longer and keep doing that. Not sure if this would have worked in the long run but it would have let him know that I was still there for him. It would also have sent a message that I would not tolerate his behaviour. I basically shut the door at the time and he got worse.

Another thing I would change is to be more accepting. I would tell him that it was not him I didn't accept but his behaviour. I would let him know that I loved him more instead of just reacting to him with anger. Although when you are in the middle of the crisis it is hard to think like that.

I remember at group I was told to find something, anything positive and give my son praise. I could find nothing. I was so stressed out. I remember trying and trying to find something good to praise him for but I couldn't find anything. In hind sight I could have found something. But my house was a disaster. My son would fall asleep in the living room leaving plates, pots, bottles whatever all over house. Drugs made him binge eat. We are not talking about a normal mess here. We are talking every pan, pot, dish etc. He used many plates and left them full of food all over the floor.

Sometimes he would throw up while asleep on the couch after binge eating and I would wake up to that horrible smell and mess. One time when I couldn't take it after a huge mess, I actually took all the dishes in my house and locked them in the trunk of my car. I also took the pots, the TV, the phone etc. so he could not use them. I took the keys to bed with me and I would find him in my room in the middle of the night hovering over me trying to get the keys. It became a game a war of wills and neither of us was winning or would win. We were just driving a wedge between us. We both needed help, not just him.

Another thing I would do is not let him come home after his time at a treatment centre or jail. I should have insisted he go to another housing situation after treatment/jail and not my home until he proved himself. But, I never thought of that at the time. I would highly recommend that to others now. Where I live there are half way house type set ups for youth.

Also, I would get more help for myself. I was married to an abusive husband. I was allowing my son to abuse me and that was not ok. I was blaming my son for everything when in fact I was teaching him how to treat me, with no respect.

We teach people how to treat us....that is so true.

I have thought over and over about how I would do things differently if I could. My son has a genetic disposition to addiction. His Dad, his grandmother and his greatgrandmother all on the Dad's side were alcholics and rage-aholics.

If I were a healthier person I would not have chosen to marry someone like my husband and I would have gotten out sooner if I could. One of the worst parenting combinations as per "Barbara Collarosa" is a weak Mom with no back bone, and an overly aggressive domineering Father. That was the case in our family. My son didn't want to be weak like me so even though he resented his father he took on his violent personality and started treating me like his father did.

Too much info to continue here. But, there are many reasons why kids do drugs. The main reason they abuse drugs is to numb themselves from the pain whatever that may be for them.
The key may very well be to find out what the pain is so you can help them. Sometimes though even they don't know.


Still my son says "I made the choice to take drugs and only I can make the choice to stop taking drugs. It doesn't matter what you would do or say. I only stopped taking drugs because I made the choice" and that is so true.

Although I think if my door had been totatly closed to him he may have drifted further into the lifestyle. It's very easy to give up hope when no one cares, or you think no one does. Never give up on them.
Kate

(and yes dancer9, although I am no expert of course I will help anyone who needs it)