I would change a few things if I could do things over again.
When my son was three months away from being 18, I gave him an ultimatum. He had done enough damage by then but I felt I should house him until 18. I think in hind sight, this was not the best decision.

First of all he thought I was kidding and when I put all of his stuff outside the door and had the police escort him somewhere else, he was horrified. I had pulled the rug from under him. In his mind I had given up on him. I had abandoned him. He was violently angry. He just broke in the house on that day so I had to call the police and have him removed. In his mind I was an evil mother who didn't care about him.

In my mind I had to protect my two small other children. They had enough turmoil. I was in a catch 22 situation and I had to do something. The police recommended kicking him out. Easier said then done. They don't have the skill to deal with these types of situations. They do their best. But kicking them out without the opportunity to come back and try again is a mistake. They need to know that they can try again but of coures not indefinately.

If I could do it differently I would have made him leave for maybe three nights after an altercation. Then he could come back and try again ie: not mess up the house, not bring drugs into the house, not be abusive etc. This sounds like alot of work and upheaval but at the time he may have become uncomfortable with this set up. If he continued I would make his time away longer and keep doing that. Not sure if this would have worked in the long run but it would have let him know that I was still there for him. It would also have sent a message that I would not tolerate his behaviour. I basically shut the door at the time and he got worse.

Another thing I would change is to be more accepting. I would tell him that it was not him I didn't accept but his behaviour. I would let him know that I loved him more instead of just reacting to him with anger. Although when you are in the middle of the crisis it is hard to think like that.

I remember at group I was told to find something, anything positive and give my son praise. I could find nothing. I was so stressed out. I remember trying and trying to find something good to praise him for but I couldn't find anything. In hind sight I could have found something. But my house was a disaster. My son would fall asleep in the living room leaving plates, pots, bottles whatever all over house. Drugs made him binge eat. We are not talking about a normal mess here. We are talking every pan, pot, dish etc. He used many plates and left them full of food all over the floor.

Sometimes he would throw up while asleep on the couch after binge eating and I would wake up to that horrible smell and mess. One time when I couldn't take it after a huge mess, I actually took all the dishes in my house and locked them in the trunk of my car. I also took the pots, the TV, the phone etc. so he could not use them. I took the keys to bed with me and I would find him in my room in the middle of the night hovering over me trying to get the keys. It became a game a war of wills and neither of us was winning or would win. We were just driving a wedge between us. We both needed help, not just him.

Another thing I would do is not let him come home after his time at a treatment centre or jail. I should have insisted he go to another housing situation after treatment/jail and not my home until he proved himself. But, I never thought of that at the time. I would highly recommend that to others now. Where I live there are half way house type set ups for youth.

Also, I would get more help for myself. I was married to an abusive husband. I was allowing my son to abuse me and that was not ok. I was blaming my son for everything when in fact I was teaching him how to treat me, with no respect.

We teach people how to treat us....that is so true.

I have thought over and over about how I would do things differently if I could. My son has a genetic disposition to addiction. His Dad, his grandmother and his greatgrandmother all on the Dad's side were alcholics and rage-aholics.

If I were a healthier person I would not have chosen to marry someone like my husband and I would have gotten out sooner if I could. One of the worst parenting combinations as per "Barbara Collarosa" is a weak Mom with no back bone, and an overly aggressive domineering Father. That was the case in our family. My son didn't want to be weak like me so even though he resented his father he took on his violent personality and started treating me like his father did.

Too much info to continue here. But, there are many reasons why kids do drugs. The main reason they abuse drugs is to numb themselves from the pain whatever that may be for them.
The key may very well be to find out what the pain is so you can help them. Sometimes though even they don't know.


Still my son says "I made the choice to take drugs and only I can make the choice to stop taking drugs. It doesn't matter what you would do or say. I only stopped taking drugs because I made the choice" and that is so true.

Although I think if my door had been totatly closed to him he may have drifted further into the lifestyle. It's very easy to give up hope when no one cares, or you think no one does. Never give up on them.
Kate

(and yes dancer9, although I am no expert of course I will help anyone who needs it)

Hi Kate, what you went through! I do not know how you coped and are sane. You are describing one of the worst situations I've heard. Sorry, that must not make you feel better. But you were in danger, he was destructive, and he could have suffocated on vomit in his passed out condition. On the up side, you are in a better relationship with him, and he is trying. By the way, the woman who changed my life when I was his age was Mormon. She did not try to convert me. She had a demeanor of peace that I'd never seen before. Go figure. L, PL

Katebcca,What an ordeal you have suffered while enduring the problems of your son! You must have had to be STRONG to deal all that you did.
I'm proud to know you, I've seen friends try this and it's so hard,
dancer

Kate, while you point out some of the things you would do differently, you must also realize that you must have done a lot right too! IT might be helpful for you to make a list of what you did right, also. You don't have to do it here if you don't want, just a suggestion. I have a feeling your eyes will be opened to your goodness within the situation!

Thanks Dotsie. I did many things right and was told that over and over again by the people that worked with my son. One of the workers from the juvenile centre told me I had the most patience of anyone he had ever met. (not always a good thing)

I spent many hours in the school system volunteering as he was not an easy student. Always getting up out of his seat, leaving the room etc. Later in high school he was in a special program and I went every day as I worked with his teacher to help him stay on task. He did not like that (and I can understand that as a teen this must have been difficult for him) but he eventually just dropped out, got heavy into drugs and went down hill very quickly. He did go to some alternative schools but only met kids there that got him into worse trouble.

I believe my son was tougher than most and my job as his mother was unbeliveably difficult.

I was just pointing out the things I would do differently if I could. Doesn't mean they would have worked any better.

My son even tells me that he knows how much he put me through. He was on drugs. Drugs make you do crazy things.

He has been a difficult child since birth. Colicky and when he grew older just didn't listen. He started to steal at an early age and I called him on it every time and there were consequences, even taking him to the police station at age 8 so they could talk to him, but he just didn't get it.

Now, at the age of 23 he is finally getting some of it. Kind of like re:learning what he didn't get in his youth. He may have had some brain trauma at birth (he was a high forcep baby) or something else may be going on. I have been told that he has a severe case of ADD and also that he may be bi-polar. His most recent counsellor told me he has oppositional defiant disorder. They seem to have to label for everything these days.

Anyway, I am cherishing these moments as he is doing great.
One day at a time.
Kate

Kate,
My two sons were "good," boys. They got "A's." they stayed out of trouble, they never once got in trouble. They are kind and achievers, but Kate, raising THEM was HARD!! You had the hardest job I can think of, a heart breaking job that must have often had NO thanks! You pulled this one off and I am impressed beyond belief! I have worked with younger people throughout my dance career. I've, through the theater, met parents whose children were acting out, (no one can act out like an artist, ask me!) Those kids were messing their lives up one after the other at times, drugs, quitting school, trying to keep their roll in the theater but quitting everything else to be "stars," until I had to replace them in their rolls.

Those parents blew it. They were rude and insulting when the talked about their children, they told others they did not care what happened to their sons and daughters and locked the door not like you, but without a second thought and went on vacation! I saw them ruin their relationship with their children over and over again. When their child grew up and was finally straight, the child wanted nothing to do with them, and MEANT it! You have salvaged a life knowing your child! That is something and I know it. Perhaps it is from knowing too many who ruined their lives from addictions, famous people, etc, that people gave up on who turned their lives around. I can count them and need more fingers! Eric Clapton, Dr. John, Elton John, and more and more. Those who just abused them before they got straight, they do not speak to. You did it, you should be proud and never forget that you are special to have turned this around this way. His sobriety is not what is the important thing here with regard to YOU, for YOU, it is your patience and knowing some how, when to say "no," and when to say "yes."
You did good.
dancer

Thank you Dancer.
I somehow grew up with the instinct to be there for the under dog. I don't know where that came from. In my school days I would always stick up for the kid that was picked on. I felt for them.

Sometimes I feel too much. When something terrible happens to someone I feel their pain. Not the best at times, so I avoid watching the news and reading the paper.

I felt my son's pain. Even though he was putting me through hell, I felt his pain. I think that is the major thing that kept me hanging in there.

Those other parents you speak of, although we can't judge them, they may have been lacking in the empathy department.
I know that when I was in the middle of it I could have easily made it all about me. What he was doing to me.

Often when parents go for help they want someone to fix their kid, do something about their terrible behaviour. But, that is not what is going on for them (the kid) They are not acting out to hurt or stress out the parent, they are out of control for a reason. It's a different reason for everyone of them. Usually they don't even know what it is.

When my younger son who is 14 gets all in my face (which is rarely the case) I ask him what is going on with him. I take the time to listen. One time he was acting so angry and rude. Instead of yelling (which I wanted to believe me) I told him that later that night I want to have a talk with him. He bristled. But, later he came to me. When I said to him, you know sometimes people act out in anger but they are really just sad about something. He broke down and started to cry. We had an incredible moment and things cleared up.

Being a teen is so hard and so many parents forget what it was like. They have little control, no power and their emotions go up and down like a yo yo. They look like adults, but they are not treated like adults. If parents would just listen to them. But many are too busy and overwhelmed and just talk at their kids.

The one bit of advice that I find really helpful is: talk to your kids like you would talk to a friend. Would you say to your friend " get out of here and go to bed, do this, do that, whatever. No you wouldn't or you wouldn't have too many friends.

I try to be respectful to my kids and I expect that back. So far, my 14 year old and my 16 year old are doing great. They are very open with me because I make it safe for them to talk to me and to tell me anything, even the stuff I don't want to hear.

Unfortunately my son was the guinea pig, the first born. I learned so much from dealing with him and now my younger two are benefiting from that.
Kate

We use the same parenting manual, Katebcca! I was the same way with my sons. Now they skip the acting out part and go right to what is bothering them!
Parents do need to listen and to care, period.
We also watch the same news! From the time I was a child, my parents stopped me from watching the news because it upset me so!
dancer9

Update: My son has been keeping in touch every other day and mentioned to me that he was having some difficulties. He had found a job and was doing great at it but many of the staff spent their breaks smoking pot. This seems to be common in construction type jobs.

He told me recently that he was having difficulty with this and was having some bad thoughts. He is not educated so cannot find work other than the trades. He does not like working with the public so fast food places are out which is too bad because they are everywhere. Also, the recovey house he is living at was not giving him what he needed. There is no support, just nine guys living in a house. He went to AA meetings every night after work with some of the guys from the house which was good, but not enough.

Anyway, he had a relapse the other day, found himself in an altercation with some guy on the street who he says tried to punch him. Next thing he is in the hospital having surgery on his hand as it was quite badly injured. He hit the guy and ended up with a huge infection as the guy bit into his hand.

Not all bad news though and I expected this to happen. It is common after a few months in recovery. Of course I didn't want it to happen but wasn't surprised. Anyway the recovery house where he was staying told me sometimes this is a good thing as it is a wake up call for many, others just fall back into their old lifestyle. My son decided to give up and come home but I told the recovery house staff to tell him for me that this was not an option. They saw him in the hospital, I wasn't able to reach him by phone so they relayed my messages.

He is now, today, moving to a more supportive recovery house as when you slip up you have to leave the recovey house you live at as they do a drug test and he failed.

Only goes to show how tough it is for addicts in this society. There are drugs everywhere and it is so sad that he was really enjoying his job, trying hard and getting praise from his boss and now this. Every mistake is a learning experience though and hopefully this will make him stronger.
My heart goes out to people with addictions as it is such a tough road. If only our kids would listen to us and not start in the first place. I'm sure if they knew how hard drugs are to beat once your addicted they wouldn't do it.
My younger two are so far (keeping my fingers crossed) learning from their big brother's mistakes.
Kate

I'm sorry to hear this,Katebcca. but you are right, it happens all of the time! I hope he gets on the right path again soon and it appears that he is trying to do that! It's so easy, as you said, to slip because in a world that he lives in, pot is everywhere and people don't think smoking it is a big deal. Many judges and lawyers smoke it and don't think twice about it!
I never really used anything but I know how prevalent it is in society.
Again, I hope he finds his track again and gets on it. I'm sure he can do it, he's really trying.

dancer9