Kate, I read through this whole thread, and it reads like an emotional roller coaster. I am wondering if the panic has ceased when you have seen your son the last time(s) or do you still shake or how do you anticipate him coming to see you? Has your trust in him increased? Are these questions for the counselor? Sorry. I noticed that the last few posts focused on him, so I didn't understand how you are feeling now. I hope you are able to carry on with a normal life. It's hard on the other kids too when attention needs to be focused on one other child. I hope all is well. What kind of books are you looking for? If it's about adolescent agnst, addiction, recovery, and relationships, I have many titles. L, PL

Thanks for asking P. Lenora. For the past four months my life has settled down quite a bit. My father passed away two weeks before Christmas so it's been a sad time. My son on the other hand is doing great. I am enjoying his visits very much. My other kids are managing to bond with him as he is very different these days. He lives about three hours away and I have seen him three times in four months but he calls me all the time. Christmas went well, not one problem.

He is a different person really, or maybe he is the person he always was, the drugs just took over. The big reason things are working out for him this time is that he is staying away from here. He went to treatment many times but it never worked as he kept coming back home. Then it would not be long until his old aquaintences would be calling and before long he was back on the drugs. I think he has also matured quite a bit. He just turned 23 recently.

He has been clean for four months and is doing well. He can fall off the wagon, and I am very aware of that. For now he is living in a supportive home for recovering addicts, goes to AA meetings daily and works full time. He also has a sponsor. His boss is pleased with him and my son loves being told that he is doing a good job. He called me all excited the other night and said his boss came over to see him to tell him what a great job he is doing. He was on cloud nine.

So, for now I am a very happy mother. I'm enjoying getting to know my son again. He has a great sense of humor that I have not seen in years.

My other two kids are doing great. My youngest son for good reason is taking it slow getting to know my eldest again. They did bond quite a bit over Christmas which is nice for both of them. I told my youngest to take his time. He has been burned too many times so I want him to feel comfortable.

Although I have been burned too, I think my son is on the road to recovery. He wants more out of life and is getting a taste of making money and he likes that. I'm not thinking ahead really, just enjoying the fact that for now, he is doing great.
Kate

katebcca,
I'm really happy for your recovering relationship with your son! I hope things go along smoothly for you and mending takes place for all. You are a very good mother to have made it to this point, I think I told you once before.

You have a wealth of information for parents who are going through their children's drug use who don't know how to handle it without burning bridges! You are an example of a mother who knows how to keep that relationship a possibility over time! I hope that someday you write down your experience so that other parents can learn how best to cope with the problem you had with your son! I know too many people who are either lost in the process or are burning bridges with their child for all time!

Congratulations,
Dancer9

You are so right. It is a fine line for parents.
You don't want to turn them away totally, but dealing with their addict behaviour is heartbreaking and also frustrating all at the same time. My son was a bully and very abusive so it was really hard to deal with him.

For some reason I would know, when to help him and when not too. I learned this over years of making mistakes.

Lost in the process, that is how I was until I joined a parenting group for acting out teens. It took me so long to go to these meetings but they saved me big time.

Also Naranon meetings. I did not like going to these because everyone was usually in crisis, but the pamphlet on letting go was invaluable. Also realizing that it is a disease and they don't have power over it nor do we.

I shut the door on him when he used drugs but told him if he every wanted help, I would be there for him.

I told him I would have to love him from afar until he got help, but that I would always love him (that is the key). They need to know that you will be there for them or these loose hope. He went to treatment many times over the years. All five times he lasted a week or less. This time is different though as he completed the treatment (three months) and graduated from the program. You have to stay away from your home town and old friends, and you have to go to a supportive living set up for addicts for at least a year to break old habits. So far this is what my son is doing and it is working.
Kate

(one day, I will write this out as I know I have invaluable information that would help others. In the meantime if anyone knows of someone that could use some help, let me know)

Kate, it's a huge blessing to come here and hear your good news now. Sounds like things are definitely looking up. I'm so happy for your son...and you. Yes, now you are in a great place to encourage the many people who are just starting their jouney through this with a loved one. Bless you!

Katebcca,
I'm so glad you said what you did because I have a friend, a nurse, whose daughter may be going down this path. She is 16 and has begun to act out, stay out all night and has tried to drop out of school.
Her mother, whom I know, suspects drugs but her daughter at this time, lives with her father. She can have an effect upon the girl because she is only recently divorced and knows her daughter well, (they share the same name.) Should she need some advice, would you be willing to give her some?
I was thrilled to read that you would consider this,

dancer9

Kate, if I have not said so before, I am sorry to hear about your father. You have multiple concerns! It sounds like you are delighted with your son's behavior. What you said about who is really is has surfaced from the fog and haze of drugs. Anyone who knows my whole story knows that I escaped into drugs and alcohol from age 13/14 to 25. I can personal attest to what Kate has said several times: the #1 priority to stop using drugs is to get away from the environment. Of course, addicts will get drugs anywhere they are, but there is something about the familiarity of those you use drugs with that perpetuates enabling. I stopped using street drugs when I moved from PA to AZ at the age of 20. I did spend at least 5 years on heavy prescripton drugs after mostly because that was all that was available for migraines and chronic headaches, and because I knew no other methods to cope. My cousin, who was like a sister to me growing up, had the same family, thus the same childhood. She never could escape the enviornment. She died at age 33 in a one car drunk driving accident, 3 weeks after her most recent rehab. I don't know how many people would be so open about addiction, but my life is an open book. My point in this story is to reinforce for Kate that leaving the enviornment is a key to getting and staying clean. PL

Lil' Princess,
What do you use now for your migranes? Is it narcotic?
I use Oxycontin for my Chronic Pain but have dropped it down quite a bit. I don't have an addictive personality but my sister does.
I was wondering if you have to suffer from the migranes anymore?
dancer

kate, you are very wise to love and accept him where he is. I am so grateful to hear that he continues to do well. I remember my heart aching when you were going through the rough times.

I'm not sure what kind of writing you want to do about this, but you may consider printing some of your old posts. That would be a great start.

Giving praise for his life. 2008 is going to be a good year.

Dancer, I will PM you. Kate, that is a really good idea Dotsie has about starting with printing your posts. Parents usually feel helpless in your situation. Some do nothing. Some just continue to blame the child. Would you reflect on what you would or would not have done differently? Some parents never reflect on that because they do not want to look inside to determine what, if any, responsiblity they had for the child's disease of addiction. Behind every addiction is a cause. A break, a loss, a traumatic event. Even the addict may not know what it is/was when you ask "why?" "Because I enjoy it (drugs)" is not the answer. What the addict enjoys is the escape. What is the addict escaping from? Just questions on my mind.