kate, any update?

There is a little update I just heard today. His Dad who has been estranged from him for most of the past 7 years called me to say my son had called. For the past year or so he has tried to make contact with him. When my son came last week I wouldn't answer the phone so he called his Dad and went to his house. It ended with his Dad giving him $50 to go back where he came from after two days.

We live on an island. It is approx 1 hour and 35 minutes ferry ride to Vancouver. My son lives about an hour outside of Vancouver so he is far enough away. It's not easy for him to just come over, and it can be expensive. He came over here for a reason but he said he didn't know the reason. It may have been to get drugs, who knows. His Dad mentioned to me that the girlfriend looked pregnant (my worst nightmare) and asked her if she was. She just looked at my son and they didn't answer, so that is a sign for sure. What a mess, and of course I warned him about using protection but he doesn't listen to anything I say anyway.

The latest is that she has left to stay with friends and he is on his own, says he wants to go back to treatment.
My ex works and lives in my son's town during the week, and comes home to the city where I live (and his other family) on the weekends. Because of this he has let my son stay with him a few times.

Today the ex called and gave me an update about my son. He told me that he told my son that no more help was coming his way from any of the family and to go find a shelter. My son called him because he has no money, no food and nowhere to go. Well, Sunday is not the greatest day and who knows if there is a shelter where he is, it's a small town. I guess he kept calling his Dad today. Last I heard his Dad had gone back to where my son is. When I last spoke with him he said he wasn't going to leave until tomorrow.

My ex has a lot of guilt around my son. I did too. I felt guilty because I broke up my marriage and my son's family, ( I had no choice as the ex became an alcoholic and a chronic cheater) my ex feels guilty because he basically ditched my son. I'm afraid now my son has got a hold of his dad. He is playing the guilt card with him like he did me. My ex acts strong, but yet he gave into my son today and is now going over to rescue him. I hope he doesn't enable him for as long as I did as this just keeps him stuck.

Although I do hope though for my son's sake that his Dad does connect with him as this is what he needs, not as an enabler but attention from his father. He has missed out on that since he was 12. Many times in the past I told my ex that his son cried himself to sleep at night missing him. He kept saying to me, why doesn't Dad love me. I told the ex this and he said he would try to spend some time with him but rarely did as he was busy chasing women.

I think he has settled down alot as he is aging. It is my hope that he can help at least a little as he has similar traits to my son. He still borrows money from his Mom and he is almost 50, she is 76. He constantly moves, changes jobs and is never satisfied. He was an alcoholic but I think he has that under control as he had another child five years ago, a boy. He totally dotes on this kid.

I'm sure he will keep me informed. In some ways I miss keeping in touch with my son and being the one to pick up the pieces (well I don't miss that part) but I think it's his Dads turn. I went through this all by myself from the time my son was 12 until now. From 15 to 22 he has basically caused me more grief than any one should have to deal with.
Kate

I'm glad at least your ex updates you about son. Important for you as the mother.

Agree that if you ex becomes enabler of son's downward spiral, not good if he becomes financially dependent. Only the next generation can break the cycle of financial dependency, if ex hasn't quite done that himself entirely.

I'm sorry to hear that things for son got even more complicated.

kate, I am grateful your son is now running to his dad. While it isn't helping him to continue to be rescued, at least it gives you the much needed break you need. I can understand that teeny part of you that wishes he was still coming to Mommy. I think all of us mothers understand that to some degree.

Kate, Starting Over, and Casey have this heart ache in common. Kate, your son is the drugs, no wonder you are grieving, you don't have the son you thought you had. He is all about drugs, and lying is a part of the pathology. How awful it is to have drugs rule your life and emotions. An addict is so narcissistic. And the ripple effect is enough to drive a mother crazy. Yes, that is very sad. At least you know to create boundaries to protect yourself. I know from experience and education that when people meet in rehab, it is never a good thing. Rarely does "the couple" form a lasting and healthy relationship. The military? There is no way that an addict such as Kate describes could committ to the military.

Update:
Unfortunately things have gotten worse.
My son is back in my town more hooked on drugs then ever.

He came to my house two weeks ago at 6am banging on the door saying he was going to treatment that day and needed to come in and have a shower, get something to eat, use the computer etc.
He was very indignant when I would not let him in. I have heard this all before. He just makes up a lie and says he is going to treatment to manipulate me and get things from me, money etc. I have fallen for this too many times. He also wanted to get in the house and use the computer. He lost touch with his girlfriend as they had a fight and he came back home (to our city) and I'm sure he wanted to go on Facebook to try to reach her. They are very co-dependant.

I felt bad of course because it was the first day back at school for my kids and he woke them up. I tried to get him to go away nicely but that didn't work. Then he started banging on the door and yelling. I told him if he leaves I would give him some money or the other choice would be that I would phone the police. He was mad but said he'd go but when I opened the door he tried to push his way in. Luckily he is really skinny and I am not so I managed after quite a while to get the door shut. He was so angry and looked terrible. Had blood all over his shirt, was really skinny. Looked like someone you would not want to meet in a dark alley. It was heart breaking. He has gone down so much.

Now I have not heard from in two weeks as I told him not to come back to my house or I would call the police. I said if he cleans himself up and acts like he is part of the family instead of using us for what he can get he is not welcome here. He calls everyone in sequence for money and we have all stopped. I just gave him $4.50 to get rid of him. If he hadn't left I would have had to call the police. I did speak to the police later that day and they said he had outstanding warrants and would be arrested if they picked him up.

I just wanted him to go away but now after not hearing from him I am so worried about him. I know I can't help him but it is so frustrating. He has had so much help and I have always been there for him but I have had to really step back from him lately as he is getting violent. It's weird, sometimes when I'm out I'll see someone who looks like him and I will get the shakes. If I hear a police siren I always wonder if it's for him. I have been so traumatized over the years from his episodes. I don't want him to come back here but at the same time wonder where he is and if he is ok. This is a tough one.
Kate

Kate, my heart goes out to you. You did the right thing, even though you feel bad for doing it. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[[[[HUGS]]]]

Kate, I can imagine you are a bundle of nerves and rightly so. I hope you are going back to your support group because I'm sure some of the women there can offer you strength to keep doing what is right regardless of how hard it is on you and your other two children.

Chatty has a son who she used tough love with. I'm hoping she sees thsi trhead and can offer some advice.

My heart aches for you.

Oh, Kate, that's so hard. So very hard. I wish you strength and love and support from those around you. You are doing the right thing, as difficult as it is. You need to protect the others in your care. I hope someday he "gets it" and you can have peace in your heart.

The hardest thing is that he comes back around. The longer he stays away, the easier it is. Not easy -- just a little less painful.

Kate, here is a link to anteresting blog I came across. It's called One Mothers Heart to Another. She mentions a book that might appeal to you and be helpful.

http://onemothershearttoanother.blogspot.com/2007/07/tough-love-for-addicts-more-love-less.html