Kate
I know the church have given support..is there anyone perhaps a recovered addict who would help...these friendships boys/men have feed a bit that we cannot...But in this case he has so much to loose.Maybe someone from the past...think...would back you up.
MA

I have tried to talk sense into his friend many times and he tells me to mind my own business. He gets very beligerent with me so this is a dead end street.

He is my son's best friend, or so my son thinks, but he has kicked him out of his place many times as he doesn't want to put up with him when he is using crack either.

What I can't understand is why he would put my son in this situation when he knows he has to go to treatment this Tuesday. He knows my son has to be clean for five days before he checks in and if he even smokes pot (which he will) it will show up and he will be turned away and then what? He will come back to my house with yet another sob story.

My son is not dumb, he is a manipulator. He tells you what you want to hear to get what he wants.

One of my friends said, what will happen after he has completed this 42 day program if he gets in? Then he will want to come to your house again as he will have no where to go. I know this is true. I think he uses this treatment thing as a survival technique as he knows I will let him stay at my house if he is trying, or at least appearing to be trying.

Not only is his decision to go visit his friend a bad one, he is breaking his probation order as he is not allowed to leave the province which he did. The probation officer called me the other day and left a message wanting him to call her. Now he is putting me in a tricky situation. If she calls again I won't lie for him.

He does not want to take care of himself at all and just wants a warm bed/home, food (he ate everything in my house) smokes bought for him, etc. etc. without any of the responsibility. While he was here I bought him 4 packs of smokes in five days. I can't even afford to smoke. I am supporting my other two kids on one income and my rent takes more than half of my paycheque.

I don't want to be a victim here or take what he is doing personally. It is his life, but I have to realize that while he is making his choices, I have to make mine. My new choice is that I've helped him long enough and I can never let him come back home again. Maybe for short visits at Christmas but never to live while he is waiting for treatment.

Anyway, I still believe that it's important to be there for him emotionally, but not financially anymore. His decisions are his, but they affect me to the point where I can't focus at work and that is affecting my life big time. He drags me down with him so I have to let go.
Kate

(thank you for your prayers)

Kate, every time I see this topic I hold my breath waiting to see how you are doing. Damn it. I can't beleive this is happening. This so called friend makes me see red and I don't even know him.

There really is nothing you can do to keep a young adult son from going. It's not like you can tie him to the house. He's going to do what he wants.

And you are going to come here and we are going to support you and try to keep you from letting him back in. You know he has to hit rock bottom to turn his life around. It won't happen if you let him back and you know it.

Please try to stick to your guns and focus on your two younger children. Why not do a little something special with them this weekend to take your mind off your oldest. I'm sure thy're totally aware of what's going on and are probably disappointed too. Sending tight, warm hugs to you three.

I'm praying for your strength and peace of mind. Onward Kate...

Yes stick to my guns this time. I have done it before so I can do it again. I just felt that this last time after not letting him back for many months that he was serious about making a change. I was wrong.

He is 24 this year, time for me to stop kicking a dead horse as the saying goes, or my favorite:

Definition of Insanity:
"Keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"

It is so painful when I don't help him, he calls me and cries begging for help and equally painful in a frustrating way when I do help him as he is basically scamming me.

I may have to go back to Alannon meetings again.
Kate

I heard from my son tonight. He is not coming back. He has a place to stay and his friend has a good job and is going to help him find a place and a job.

He said he has been to treatment too many times so what is the point in going. He knows what he has to do. He is in a city that is full of jobs for young men in the construction industry. Maybe hanging out with some other males will do him good, out in the fresh air.

Whatever it will do me good to have a break from the insanity.

The only problem is there will be a warrant out for his arrest as he is not to leave the province. He will have to deal with that one. It is not for any big crime but he won't be able to come back until he deals with it. He is going to try to get the order transferred to where he is.

I wished him all the best and told him I will be there for him but not in a financial way, nor will my home ever be an option. He seems to get that and says that is why he chose to leave. He needs a change and a new start.

Who knows, I may have some good news on this post yet.
Kate

I assume that he is Alberta right now, Kate?

Most important of all, hope you and he talk every few weeks just to update one another. It would be good...

Kate, I just saw this. I'm sorry for all the chaos that you have been enduring sense your son turned around and went the other way. You are strong and so right to move on with your life, no matter how hard it is. I've an alcoholic sister and she can cause great pain if in my life.

You sound as if you are holding up but I'm just sorry you have to "hold up," at all! Still, they say, "Time heals all wounds," and I believe that your son will heal his addiction one day, some time. It is usually when they decide.

Did you know that statistics say that addicts quit with the same rate as with or without therapy? The therapy, I believe, is good for them and can help them know themselves and their addiction but he may quit one day because he decides.

I pray that is the case. I've sons and I can't imagine what you must be going through except to know how a friend of mine suffered as her son acted out on drugs and stealing. A therapist eventually helped her to get out of his life but it was so very hard for her. She knew his childhood was rough and was blaming herself.

Truthfully, a lot of us have bad childhoods and do not become addicts.

In your case you are an excellent mother and your son still has these problems. Remember, you are an excellent mother and have faith if you possibly can. I keep you in my thoughts!

dancer

Yes Orchid, he is now in Calgary.

Dancer, thanks for thinking of me too.

I know about the stats and AA does not have very good ones. Only 11% or so stick with the program. The stats are higher for people who quit on their own. And of course some never do.

My son and I have been doing research on alternative methods but the reality is, you just have to want to quit.

He is with a friend that he feels comfortable with. This friend is not one that I would choose as he likes to party too much, but in his own way I think he is trying to help my son. Figures if he keeps busy working he won't have time to do too many drugs.

My son knows the 12 step program inside and out. He has had so much counselling and treatment he could teach a class on it.

It's up to him now and maybe, just maybe he will quit on his own as many do. They just get sick and tired of losing all of their stuff and their families being upset with them all the time.

I pray he gets it but will be protecting myself by leaving this all up to him. He knows what to do, just has to put it into practice. He says he needs a change, a new start so time will tell if this change will work for him. I sure hope so.
Kate

Kate,
I'm probably like a lot of people here in that we read the post and keep up with your son's progress, and with his setbacks. While we may not post comments each time, you can be sure we're your sideline cheerleaders, praying often for his recovery.

I hope and pray that this new atmosphere will bring him a fresh new perspective and possible motivate him to lift himself up.

I think you are an incredible Mom and I truly wish you and your family the best in this. Please know that we are all reading, and praying.

Thank you Queen JJ.
It has been a long road, since he was 15 when he tried cocaine. Obviously needed to fill a void and then became highly addicted.

I do have a feeling he is getting fed up with all of these treatment centres etc. and he may even kick the habit himself.

His friend although a social drug user will only put up with him for so long and that is a good thing. His own peer will have him either tow the line, ie. work and pay his way, or he will kick him out within a month. This friend does not have the same patience as me and that may be just what he needs.

I'm sure everyone reading my posts hope that this chaos will end soon, as do I.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.
Kate