Kate, I'm not sure if this is a correct way of thinking, but I would be glad he has a girlfriend. At least it's two of them against the world and he is not totally alone. Somehow, as a mother, I think that would give me some peace. Maybe they can boost one another up and get the help they need. That's what I'll pray for.

Kate, I read myself in your story. I have been battling the same problem for the past 3 yrs. with my son who just turned 23 last month. Until last month I didn't know drugs was the problem. Over the past three years I have paid bills, bought gas and food, clothes, etc for my son. A large portion of every check despite my pleas and warnings that I didn't have a lot of extra money seemed to fall on deaf ears.

He always worked and was a good worker yet suddenly couldn't hold a job. He had a girlfriend that I thought was the problem--she may be a part of the problem but there is much more.

I finally got some counseling for me and they have helped me tremendously. First since he was still living with me, I had to set some strict groundrules and we went over them with him--me, the counselors and my pastor. My son knew there was no excuse if he messed up. Within 3 weeks I had to ask him to leave and he did so without a problem.

I have counseled with these folks several times since because this 'tough love' thing goes against every fiber of motherhood. But it is the best thing for him. My head knows that. My heart breaks when I see him getting so thin or living in his car.

BUT he is 23. These are ALL his choices. Not my fault, not my problem. There is liberating freedom in understanding that. I have decided to move away from here for several reasons. 1. to get back on my feet financially by moving in with my sister. 2. to get away from him, so he can't easily try to manipulate me for money. 3. So I don't have to watch him go through this.

My son has already acknowledged that he understands what I am doing and why. That is a big step.

I know will be hard and he may continue to harass you but you must not give him any more money--just cold turkey, that's it. It will take a while but once he realizes the gravy train has stopped he will begin to change. I also highly recommend some counseling for you--it has really helped me. One thing the counselor told me was that I had a high level of mercy in my personality. When mercy people doesn't have the ability to temper their emotions they become doormats for others who play off that gift by using them and manipulating them. I am currently learning the techniques necessary to temper my mercy giftings. This will be invaluable not only for dealing with my son but will play into all other areas of my life--work, volunteering, etc. Sounds to me like you have a lot of mercy in your personality as well.

Dotsie,
I am glad that he has a girlfriend so he is not alone, but if I were her mother I would not be happy about it at all. She has been clean for 10 months and after only knowing him for two months she has moved out of her recovery house and now done drugs again. He is not a good influence. But, they will have to work this out for themselves. I cannot take on my son's girlfriends problems. I hope she doesn't become an enabler like I was as this is not what he needs.

I must give kudos to my ex. He told both of them after they came back from a night of doing drugs this " If he (our son) put you in a situation where you used drugs, dump him. And if it was you who encouraged him to use drugs, then he should dump you" I thought that was good advice.

I agree with starting over's mercy theory and it is very true. I have been in and out of counselling since my son was 8, drug related counselling since he was 12 or 13. It's been a long journey and each year I become stronger in a different way. Most recently the counselling I received at Naranon helped me to step outside my mother role and separate from my son emotionally. It was difficult but I have made progress. By not seeing him while he was here I managed to avoid his manipulation. I have to do what works and if that means not seeing him at all, that is what I have to do. It does hurt though but not as much as before. As long as I keep in mind that I am helping him by not helping him, keep the big picture in the forefront, I can stay strong.
Kate

starting over, I love your mention of the mercy gift. Very interesting and important to recognize when dealing with addicts. By the way, when are you moving? You'll still stay connected by internetat your new home, won't you? Maybe you can get your sister in here!

Kate, I can always tell that you know what you are doing. I sense tremendous strength, but a struggle with using that strength because not helping someone goes against your personality. I'm sure it's tough, but you remian on track. How are the other kids doing?

Kate,
I hope you are continuing to get support from Nar-Anon, a counselor, pastor or someone. It's almost impossible to do alone.

Glad your ex- is stepping up to the plate! (yick -- I hate sports metaphores and use them all the time :-(( !)
Casey

Dotsie, moving Sept. 1 have already started packing. Next week I give notice at work (scary! with no job to go to yet! Trusting God in that!)

My sister is in the forums already. Can't think if her tag name--maybe ktz? does that sound familiar? She had conversed with you about bird feeders and gardening I believe. Small world huh?! Got your check in yesterday's mail by way. Thank you!

Yes I will still stay in contact. And FYI if anyone is in need of Mary kay, just go to my website and order. Even with the move I will be checking there and taking care of everyone's orders. No cost for shipping, remember! (website listed below)

My son did not leave. He called me yesterday after spending yet another night at his druggie friends house. He said he was on his way but I'm not sure if this is the case as they have no where to go. When he called he asked me if I could meet up with him before he left. I said I didn't think so unless he wanted to tell me why he wanted to meet up. Sounds harsh but he has never called me in over 6 years for anything other than to bum money or because he wanted something. So, in character he said he could use something to eat and could I buy him lunch. I said I'm sorry but I can't. I said this is it, I'm tired of being used. He said ok and hung up.

After that call I was so upset. I felt like he doesn't care about me at all, that to him I am just a bank. I felt better later as the hardest thing to do is to not take what they do or say personally, it's the addiction. Easier said then done.
I'm going to find out when Alateen meets as I know that my daughter is feeling the affects of this. She doesn't say much but I heard her talking to a friend on the phone and she said that she feels sad about her brother.

It is really time for me to focus on my kids and that is what I am going to do. My eldest son is lost and there is nothing that I can do for him anymore.
Kate

Lost does not mean he can't be found again.

Here is a thought for you. Sorry to say, I don't know who the author is. Hope it helps you ease your pain a little.

***********************************************

Banish Sorrow
Don't be sorry, be content - it's a choice not a chore. Never identify with others' sorrow or you will go down with them. Be with them, but stay up, so you can uplift them. Help them put things in perspective. But first do that for yourself. You're feeling sorry? Why? Have you lost something? It's an illusion - you have nothing to lose. Everything that comes to you comes to pass, literally. So let all things pass and you will turn the illusion of loss into the reality of liberation...and sorrow will be a distant memory.

wow hl thats an exilent bit of verse and can be applied in so manie situasions, its one i gonna copie thanks,

kate, keep being strong, keep doing what your doing its for the higher good....and thats not to say you still won't feel c**p at times your still humane but its the actions and not the feeling one has to go on in this situasion. I know how hard and horrible it all is, praying you keep your strenth and good course of action on this one

Hannelore, that's great!

Kate, you did the right thing. Somewhere, I know, you'll find the ability to love your son again and let him know that you love him and still be able to keep your boundaries strong. Hannelore is right -- lost for now doesn't mean he won't be found again. I will keep you in my heart prayers.

Yes, paying attention to the other children AND to you is very important right now. HUGS