Dear BoomerSisters,

Thank you all for your continued warm words of support. It’s been a while since I last posted. Dotsie was so kind to email me and let me know that I was still receiving responses from y’all…

This month marks the one-year anniversary of my traumatic divorce after 20 years of marriage and it has been a year full of happiness, tears, frustration and amazing self-discovery. I have learned much and have the gray hairs to prove it! I have truly found my voice at last, and at the tender age of 53 have finally learned to stand up for myself. I know…it’s about time, but better late than never, right?

And not a moment too soon, either: after everything that I’ve been through I recently found out that my ex ripped me off again, this time on last year’s taxes. For the first time in my life I was able to call him on it without feeling that shaking in the pit of my belly or becoming mentally scattered and unable to coherently respond when I heard his voice or read his emails. I will be bringing him back to court shortly on child-support issues as well. The devious man who set himself up to appear penniless and jobless at our divorce hearing last year has made a miraculous recovery and earned $350,000.00 according to his recent tax returns (which I had the wherewithal to request a copy of). Out of this I received a mere $17,000 in combined spousal and child support, and yet he still kicks and screams and complains every time he has to reimburse me for court-approved child-related expenses. Amazing, no?

He has turned out to be a true sociopath, just as the astute psychologist warned me so many months ago. His ‘relationship’ with his 2 sons is gut-wrenching for me, as a mom, to observe. There is little I can do to intervene at this point (since my kids are teenagers) other than offer them my unconditional love and support and provide them with professional counseling, guidance and patience as needed while they try to figure out how to reconcile the creature that is their biological father and learn how to deal with the only dad they will ever know. They are terrified that they may possess the “psycho” gene and need constant reassurance from me that they are nothing like their father. And yet, they still love him.

Like me, my children have had a difficult year learning how to stand up for themselves. My youngest finally developed a backbone but only after he became ill once again and appeared to suffer what looked like a minor stroke (at the age of 16!) due to toxic mold exposure in his dad’s rental home. It took a spinal tap, two visits to the hospital, multiple scans and MRIs, neurological examinations, general testing, labwork and the illness and subsequent death of our beloved dog (who developed a massive growth - which according to our doctor was most likely caused by his exposure to the mold in the ex’s house as well) before he could bring himself to tell his father that he would no longer set foot in his house unless and until it was remediated and tested to be safe.

My eldest son is volunteering again for the summer with the junior peace corp in Latin America and told me before he left that he is looking forward to spending 7 weeks away from home so that he can decide if he will ever speak to his dad again. This, after he stood up to his father about his and his brother’s health issues and was accused of having no mind of his own…and told that his mother had successfully brainwashed him. Ow. Luckily not something that this kid who has a 4.8 GPA and numerous academic awards and college scholarships was likely to swallow anymore. He told me that he finally understood what it must have felt like for me to endure 20 years of being treated like an idiot by his father.

I have finally found my calling, and I have decided to help women like myself who find themselves on the brink of a major, traumatic transition in their lives. I have been blessed and found a way to start a small business creating holistic health-based products for boomer women and I will hopefully see the first of several product roll-outs by summer’s end. I will keep you posted. I have resumed writing and taking interviews for the book I started on divorce last year (I was finally given the go-ahead by my lawyer now that enough time has passed and the ex cannot petition for any income I might receive from publishing it). I am continually blown-away by our collective boomer girlfriends’ willingness to share their stories and experiences with me so that the rest of us can learn from what they perceive to have been their critical mistakes. I have a long-range project in the works too: I am in the process of setting up an organization for women who are in transition and need outside help, financial or otherwise. This is the project most near and dear to my heart and I have committed to donating a percentage of all my future earnings to setting this up and getting it operational.

I am developing some wonderful relationships with other divorced women my age who understand the importance of having girlfriends and a strong female support network. The other evening we all went to a free outdoor rock concert. We spread blankets out on the grass, took off our sandals and grooved to the music in a way that most of us haven’t allowed ourselves to do since Woodstock! Then we watched some magnificent fireworks and oohed and ahhed as the sparkly display lit up the warm summer night. For more than a few moments I felt truly, blissfully happy, grateful to be there and felt as if I hadn’t a care in the world. I do not remember the last time I felt so light-hearted and young.

Once a week on Sunday nights I do something for my spirit and splurge $8.00 on a group dance lesson at a West Coast Swing center downtown. I hadn't danced in twenty years and as one of my friends recently pointed out to me, I no longer have any excuses to deprive myself of what used to be a joy in my pre-married life. This particular dance hall does not require that you come with a partner, so it is a great way to socialize in an non-threatening environment as compared to going to a bar or lounge, which has never been my style. It is lovely to find out that men still find me attractive but a man is the last thing I am looking for right now. I am focused on earning a living after 18 years as a stay-at-home-mom, and men are just not in the picture at the moment. Besides, it will take lots of work and a very special person in order for me to trust anyone again after my experiences.

For those of you who are going through a divorce or considering one, may I be an optimistic reminder to you that there is life after the heartache, and many wonderful moments still ahead of you. Divorce can be a rebirth and your family can be reconfigured in a way that will teach valuable lessons to everyone about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. I have no regrets, and can only wish the same for you.

Much love,
Foundhervoice-atlast

foundhervoice, WOW, what an amzing update. What an inspiration you are for women in transition. You have found your calling. Amen.

I have so much to respond to, but must ask...why does a man making $350,000 a year have to live in a mold infested apartment? Has he moved since putting his son through all that trauma? That's unbelievable.

You sound like you have so much going on, you can't decide what to do next. That is so great. DId you have any of this passion when you were in your marriage, or was it diminished due to your circumstance? Just wondering because I think it can give women in similar situations tremendous hope.

I am so happy to hear how well you are doing! Carry on dear friend and be all that you can be for the good of other women!

FoundHerVoice...

WOW! You have definitely found your voice and it's a roar! You are and will be an inspiration for many!

I loved your post so much that I read it twice. It makes me want to pick up the sword and move forward with a vengance. Bravo!

Dotsie asked most of the questions I had, but I would like to add that if you are still taking interviews for the book, would you want any of the ladies here to respond? If so, please let them know how you would want them to get in touch with you.

Also, please keep us informed and let us know when your other biz is in full swing and where to find you on the Net.

Lastly, you've probably inspired more women than you'll ever know since many women come here and just read, never posting. Your words will spill over into their own lives and inspire them, too. I'm sure of it! Don't forget that!

Bravo, kudos, attagirl, what a tower of strength you are.

I am in awe. Nothing can stop you now, you are the woman it has taken a lifetime for you to become. I wish you many successful happy days ahead.

Wow...I'm so moved by your life and how you are living it. I can't wait for the book!

Way to go, and big kudos to you! I love how you have learned to lean on yourself and develop your inner strength.

You west coast swinger, you!

Wahoo - you go, girl. Doesn't it feel great!

Good questions Dotsie! Why does a man who earns $350,000.00 a year live in a mold-infested house? His rental home definitely looked a bit shabby to the naked eye, and the very first time I set foot in it for all of about five minutes I developed an instantaneous headache, nausea and had to go outside to throw up, which is a typical reaction to that kind of intense toxicity. But I think the bigger question is why would any normal father take on a 2 year lease before having the place professionally tested - no matter how good it did or didn’t look, bargain or not, after what we had already been through? After all, that’s why we uprooted ourselves and moved to Colorado: so we could have less exposure to environmental mold and live in a drier climate. He told his children that they were hypochondriacs when they claimed they were not feeling well, and ignored their feelings entirely, even though every time they stayed with their dad for the court-mandated 4 days of visitation once every two weeks, they immediately got sick, and returned home to me just in time for me to nurse them back to health in preparation for the next visitation. The attorneys turned a deaf ear to my pleas, claiming that my boys were old enough to stand up to their father, and that it was inappropriate for me to intervene on their behalf.

During the divorce proceedings, both attorneys overruled the ex’s refusal to deal with the issue and forced him to have his house tested. I even paid to have his car tested when he refused to. Both tests came back high positive, but he never went through with remediation because of - I suspect - the expense, for one thing. He was never a generous man (believe me I’m being kind when I say that) and remediation if done properly, is not inexpensive. But the real issue has to do with his being a sociopath and on emotional disconnect. When our doctor in California first informed him that he himself had developed a rare lymphoma as a result of his exposure to the toxic mold in our house, the ex decided that the doctor was a quack and blew him off. (Never mind that this same physician - affiliated with Stanford and Harvard Universities - is now considered the top mold authority in the United States, and the number one expert called in to testify for mold litigation!) If the ex was not able to acknowledge his own illness, how could he accept that anyone else had a problem?

He is currently looking for a new apartment, but only because his lease is up in August. He took my youngest son apartment hunting with him last week, and the child had an allergic reaction to one of the places they looked at. The ex tried to convince him they should consider leasing it anyway, because it was such a good deal. My son seems to have convinced him otherwise, at least that’s how it appears for the moment. We’ll see.

As far as your question about whether I had any of the same passions or zest for life during the marriage that I have now, the answer is sadly “no”. I remember seeing a therapist who asked me to describe what my fantasies were, and I replied that I no longer had any. I was emotionally and spiritually dead, having emotionally and physically bankrupted myself in order to keep the peace and protect my children who were truly at risk. There was no hope to be myself under those circumstances, and the sad part is that I did not even realize how much of myself I had lost until the marriage was over and I woke up to discover that I no longer had a clue who I was.

Thank you for all your words of congratulations and encouragement. I still have a lot to work on, but at least I am finally on my way! Your support means the world to me.

And yes - if anyone of you has a story you’d like to share with me about a bad divorce, one in which you started out pretty shaky but managed to survive and thrive in spite of, I would love to interview you. Thanks so much for inquiring!

Namaste,
Foundhervoice-atlast

I'm so proud of you. I know it's been a very difficult year but girl, you came through the fire with barely any ashes on you. Bravo!