They are getting older. They may be rethinking things they've done and said in the past. It probably will take awhile for them to come full circle, but perhaps they are trying. Give them a break. Be patient. You've got some bad memories, but if you can forgive them of their ways, they may be kinder to you. Hang in there!

MIL called me about 10 times today. we were supposed to go there for thanksgiving and she stewed over it all night and called this morning to tell me she couldn't do it. that doesn't bother me, i kind of expected as much.

trouble is, i can't have it here at this late notice. doing daycare for my granddaughter, there is no way i can do the cooking and cleaning by thursday. i was busy looking for another location when she called back to say she could do it, just not with as many people so some of the relatives would be on their own.

i told her that was ok, i would bring the turkey, dressing and gravy and pies if she could just cook some potatoes and veggies. a little while later she called me again to say that SIL would have us at her house since i was cooking the turkey...the calls went on and on like this till early afternoon.

MIL's memory is so bad, i got her to make a list of what she would bring - only things she could buy like pop and chips. then she called about 3 more times to get her list right.

in the first call this morning, she said she knew SIL and i were not speaking to each other. i told her it was the first i'd heard about that so who knows what sob story SIL told her. i have made it a point NOT to say anything about SIL to her because i'm so sick of playing their games. i speak to SIL, i just don't go out of my way to call her about anything anymore.

i told dh i would not play their games. i will make the d--n turkey and pies but i will not get dragged into the "let's make jo the big bad bitch" game that they like to play.

i will be glad when thanksgiving is over - that is what i will be most thankful for.

Dysfunction Junction What's Your Function! I always thought that would make a great title of a book if I ever wrote about my family. Sounds like you have the same problem.

One year my boyfriend and girlfriend and I went to my parents for Thanksgiving. My boyfriend was a chef so he did all the cooking. The three of us also cleaned up afterward. Later, I hear that my mother said she worked her fingers to the bone and we did nothing. Can't win.

flipperjo, you are a better woman than I am. You go to so much trouble for them all, and it tells me the love you have for your husband is deep and forever. Way to go, girlfriend. How wonderful!

You have certainly earned stars in your crown. I admire you for your patience with your MIL and even more so for chosing to ignore the "games" the two of them want to play. Some people are just drama queens (like the SIL) and have to stir the pot, or they ain't happy. They think taking the focus off of them, and putting it on someone else, actually makes them look better in everyone's eyes. But trust me, people are not blind. Not even the Mother. Especially, the Mother. Mother's know their children and their worts. She knows. Shame on her but, good for you! I also admire you hubby for standing by you.

The jewels you will receive because of your wonderful caring nature and your actions (which speak volumns) will be more beautiful than anything the SIL will EVER get.

To wear out an old phrase, I say, "way to go!"

JJ

flipper, you probably could have cleaned your whole home and cooked the entire dinner if you didn't have to spend time on the phone with all the changes and dysfunciton. Amazing, isn't it?
And all for a holiday where you probably give thanks for your family! Your patience amazes me. What does your side of the family do for Thanksgiving, or are they in a different state?

THANK YOU to all of you for the encouragement! "Dysfunction Junction What's Your Function!" - i love the title, dianne, let me know when you write the book...i'll be happy to contribute a few chapters!

jj, you are right about the love for dh. now that he is aware of the way they work, he is very supportive and appreciative of my efforts. i do love him more deeply than i can put into words. an extra tenderness came into our relationship when our daughter died that has kept us in tune to each other and very aware of our feelings.

dotsie, i think you are right about getting more done if i wasn't on the phone with MIL! and guess what? i got another call this morning! now we are going to MIL's house again. SIL decided her house is too small for twenty people so she's going to go to MIL's house early thurs. morning to help MIL get the veggies etc. cooked.

i also got instructions not to put the stuffed turkey in the oven low and slow the night before and was told that MIL and an aunt are going to make dressing even tho' i'm making dressing. supposedly, auntie likes to have enough there so she can take leftovers home. i told her it won't be in the bird anyway, so tell auntie to cook her stuffing at home and leave it there. i know i'm being petty now, but i'm going to make a HUGE batch of dressing and fill an extra pan for each of them to have after - they can just eat dressing till it gags them.

as for my side of the family, they live in MN so we've never spent holidays with them because of milking cows till a year ago. we are still trying to finish harvesting sunflowers so can't go there this year either. they are a much friendlier and more normal group than my in-laws but have had some impatience with them lately, too. i've been there so much in the last couple of years helping take care of my parents that they've all forgotten that the distance is just as far going east as going west.

i wonder sometimes if i'm just being overly sensitive and bitchy but have come to realize lately that i am just so, so tired way down deep inside. since our daughter died in 94, we have had several major business set backs that we had no control over, plus just trying to help the boys and survive in grief. i'm all used up and have really felt it lately. dh knows so is trying to be helpful. i told him the biggest help he can be is to just be there when it is time to do things with his parents. that way when i have to be insistant with them about things they can't handle, they will accept it as being from him, too. he understands that and is doing his best!

well, ladies, thanks for listening to this old bag that is over loaded and getting thin skinned!

Flipper,

I don't think you're being thin-skinned at all. You've put up with a lot more than I probably would have. Although I think our m-i-l's could be sisters. It's a good thing both or husbands understand and support it.

To be honest, we avoid situations like this by not being available to his side of the family for any major holidays anymore. Not sure how, but we manage to get away with it without anyone getting mad. Maybe they're just as glad NOT to have us there? Nah! They've just learned they can't push this rough old bird around anymore.

This will all be over in a few days and maybe someday you can laugh about it?

Jackie, I read this post and my heart went out to you. It may be the less they saw of you, the more they remembered the good in you and began to self reflect. Don't be a door mat, on the other hand, no one ever benefits from becoming bitter. Just know in your heart what is right and when visiting, if something is said that stings.....well, it's time to end the visit and go home. I feel, no matter what people admit, they "know" inside when they've been unreasonable. Your sudden decision to go home now and then might start to connect the dots for them.

Holly