I wrote a long mail to describe everything..how I felt..how it went and what is happening now and LOST IT!!! So, it´s difficult to get up the energy to do this again.

I want to thank you all for all your prayers and thoughts. I will try to rewrite my mail at another time..but I am too devastated to do it now..I don´t understand what happened! I just miss you guys and wanted to share everything with you. Very briefly, after the funeral I was very grateful for having the opportunity to speak of my friend´s love..the one she had with her husband that made them so special. The chapel, where it took place, was quite small and the casket stood in the middle. We all sat in a ring around it. I was therefore able to stand near the family, my friend and her 2 sons, and also near Martin´s casket. This made all the difference. I could pat Martin´s casket and say good by to him publicly. How many get this opportunity?

I am continuing in mail nr.2 so that I don´t loose it again. Sorry!

After the funeral, my son and I took a bus to the coffee afterwards. On the bus, the lady who sat across from me offered a piece of her candy bar! I was very hungry by then and I can´t believe that she did it. I mean how many times does this happen on the bus? Of course, I probably did look like a sad hungry dog and I probably did eye her candy bar. A Bounty, by the way. I think there was someone in the heavens working for me that day. And not only that, when we arrived finally, Sussi´s son told her that they were expecting their first baby! Well, something was going on up in the heavens, I am sure.

Sussi was very pleased with the funeral and all the people that came. I spent the nite with her, drinking her homemade wine which she was sure her husband had healed for us. It was exquisite and the color was a deep clear red.

Since then we usually meet on fridays. I come to her in the evening and we talk, cry, laugh, watch tv, listen to music and dance. She gives me as much as I hope I give her. She carries within her the love that she and her husband have. And this is filled with compassion, understanding, warmth, laughter and sorrow. And I soak it up as it exists in every corner and space of their home.

This is a much shorter version of what I wrote..but maybe it gives you an idea anyway.

Thank you for being there..all of you.

My son was with me, as you know, at the funeral. We stood side by side as we threw our flowers into the casket below in the ground. I will never forget that moment as I will never forget being given the gift of speaking at my friend´s funeral. Sussi was right.. their special love was not mentioned in any way..and I was given the gift of being able to speak about it and bring it out in the open to all the people there..to the air and space around us and to their sons, who I am sure, knew..but now they were able to hear it..make it real.

Anyway, thanks again..all of you.. and forgive me if my mails are too long!

Humlan, I'm glad you didn't give up posting this after your first one got lost. I was hoping you'd share with us.

I totally get the "Bounty" connection - I love those "God-moments".

Glad to hear your voice here again...

humlan, you are blessed and you recognize it, which is beautiful to read. Even in the grips of grief you were able to witness the belssings surrounding you.

I am so grateful to hear you addressed the love they had for one another. I'm sure gatherers picked up on that and may make some changes in their own lives to love their partners more freely and passionately. What a message in this day and age.

And the fact that you revel in the recognition that her love and ability to love possibly stems from how much she was adored by her husband.

You are a dear friend and mother. How sweet of your son to travel this path with you. What an example of friendship you are for him.

I have a niece who is extremely close to two other girls. They are in their early 20s. One gal has lost her mom, and the other just lost her dad. These gals have clung to one another through all of this and I've wondered how they could have weathered these storms without one another. They're fun to watch. They have the same kind of love you speak of with your friend. It's precious.

I know how sad you are but your story is really beautiful.

Humlun, thank you for writing. It is beautiful.

Humlun it takes alot of strength and love to hold a speech at a funeral. I admire you for that. I don't think I could hold a speech because it would probably trigger a sobbing attack in me. How wonderful to have you as a supporting friend.

Humlun, your replay of the funeral and aftermath truly shows examples of love in the purest form. How fortunate for us that you shared this.

Dear Humlan, thanks for sharing this story of love, support and friendship in its purest form. In the trials and struggles of life, how sweet to have someone as caring and spportive as you! You are an inspiration and you brighten the lives of many, I'm sure.

You are definitely brave to speak at the funeral. When my mother's husband died last summer, I read a poem I wrote for mom and I sung a "Til later" farewell song; but it was very difficult for me to hold my tears. It was noticeable in my voice.

Take care and may God bless you abundantly!!