So called because we're taking care of both parents and children. The sandwich feels like grilled cheese, fried on both sides and melting n the middle!

There are so many stories on elder abuse, financial abuse of seniors I've decided to specialize in Elder Law when I graduate law school in 2007. It is a NATIONAL problem, with no national agency or organization willing or able to take it on.... YET.

No one ever warned us, nor prepared us for the nightmare of aging parents and how to deal with taking care of them when their job was to take care of us. Especially hard when a distant relative enters into to picture and tries to destroy a family, which is what happened in my case. Nearly everything my father worked for his entire life was drained out of his savings into the pockets of LAWYERS in south Floirda, one of whom is the Vice-President of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys! On one hand, Mark Shalloway preaches advocacy for the elderly while his other hand is in the pocketbooks of the very people he says he's trying to protect!

It's disgusting. But the fight has only just begun.

Our generation needs to band together, Women AND Men. We must get the word out beyond Internet forums. Women can change the world, although it will take time, I do believe there is hope and there is help on every level. To all who are in the middle of a fried sandwich, hang in there and stay strong!

Its about time too... Welcome Raven...

Raven,
I know about abuse and the elderly . I have two relatives that I will not have anthing to do with . One verbal abused my mother in a retirement home and did not get reported by the home only the director did not let her come up anymore . People who verbal abuse anyone want control over these people . My mother is 94 in a nursing home out of town because of there greed .

Well Raven e-mail me and we can share stories on relative . You are not alone in this .

I will have the last word in my book only to change the name to protect myself that is how I will get my word out . I have the Oumbman to watch over my mother now. That is another long story.

I did an article not long ago on elder abuse. I saw this picture of this poor woman and cried. I find it so hard to believe that anyone would hurt an elderly person, or any person for that matter.

Here is the link to that article.

http://askdutchy.mycarelink.net/2005/08/reporting-elder-abuse.html

Nancy50,
I often refer families to the Ombudsman, I was curious how is that working for you? Have they really been helpful?

I wanted to add my experience with my father-in-law, he had dementia and passed away recently.

He was hit by so many scam artists, through the mail, phone, and to his house.

We involved the local DA's office and they were very helpful of the steps that we needed to take to keep him safe.

He was not very happy about this. Being very independent his entire life, he was not interested in what we had to say about this. Fortunatately, my husband was a signer on the bank account, and we watched it on the internet from home. When we say the patterns of money, thousands of dollars going out of the country. We had to take more drastic action.

Not only did we have to make his money safe. These individuals were going to his house, and we were fearing for his safety!

The local elder abuse was very helpful with suggestions. We never thought things were that bad!

Sunrise, what a wonderful idea to watch his bank accounts online.

If you don't mind I will have to add that tidbit of advise to my "Ask Dutchy" arsenal.

That will be the number one tip. I will give you the credit!

To be able to watch online, your parent must make you a signer on the account. We were fortunate that years before, my husband was a made a signer on the account. During all the mental changes, I really don't think that he would have allowed it.

In fact, he was terribly angry with us most of the time. We would drive a few hours to visit, and he would send us away. The social worker ended up in tears a few times.

When we moved him closer to us, again not a pretty scene. He was kicked out of an assisted living, and this was going to be his 3rd move in less than a year, we were going to have him close to us. This way, when he through us out, it would be a few minute drive, instead of 2+ hours each way.

This worked out well for us, he was terrible angry, he had wonderful girlfriend that he met at the previous facility, and he really missed her. She wanted him to go, she knew he needed more help, and being frail herself, wasn't able to be his caretaker. It was such a tear jerker!

It all is terribly sad. I just die somedays when I read what people are going through with their parents with Alzheimer's. I started another personal blog on nice homemaker type of subjects, just because I needed something on the happy side.
Kind of like the good versus evil. (ha) We talk about canning and homeschooling on the other blog. Much tamer! And not so sad....except for the fact that my tomatoes never ripened this year so I didn't get to can them. (that is sad too!)

Dutchy, that photo is pitiful. No wonder you wre moved to write about it.

I know, it is pitiful. Well I had other reasons too. A friend had his wife beaten in a nursing home, on that very same night another woman was killed. He really got me looking into elder abuse.

Here is a link to the Ask Dutchy post I did for him.

http://askdutchy.mycarelink.net/2005/09/nursing-home-abuse.html

It begins with the unfortunate deaths of those in the Lousiana nursing home, and ends with his story. All very sad. Please take time to report abuse! Dutchy

Here's the plan. What we desperately need in a NATIONAL organization who will be so strong and powerful that any individual, attorney, family member, telemarketer, etc, will not even THINK about going up against us. Legally, of course. What I've discovered this past year is that nightmare begins when the victimized family member has no idea what to do, or who to call for help, and then the very help they're expecting turns out to be worse than the original problem. We have the resources through the Internet and the word will get out. If the Bast----s in Florida think they've seen the last of me, they are very much mistaken. To quote Hillel, in this, the Jewish New Year 5766: If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?
I think the answer is obvious....

What the world needs is more Raven West's. There is no excuse for abuse on any level...but the elderly and the hani-capped it is too sad!

I know that the abuse sometimes does go the other way too,and caregivers receive a lot of abuse from those they care for. Which I believe is unacceptable too.

Okay...great idea Raven. NOw which boomer woman is going to launch the National Organization?

Too add another two-cents worth, my grandmother AND my Daddy were both abused at a "certified" facility AND at a private homecare facility. So it goes on everywhere. The key is to KNOW how to spot it, and where to report it.

You girls know you have just hit on the tip of the iceberg. A national association for the prevention of Elder abuse has been done. There are different kinds as well. Here are a few:

http://www.preventelderabuse.org/
http://www.onpea.org/ (for Canada)
http://www.elderabuseprevention-eastbay.org/
http://www.inpea.net/ (a national org)
http://www.elderabusecenter.org/default.cfm
and of course

http://www.aoa.gov/eldfam/Elder_Rights/Elder_Abuse/Elder_Abuse.asp
from the Department of Health and Human Resources

So...the national and international org's are in place, but the WORD is not getting out to people. This is where WE come in. Maybe some of these organizations would let each of us put a link on our homepages (for starters?) Or maybe we should see about starting CHAPTERS...OR CHARTERS in our own areas?

JJ

Yes there are a number of organizations scattered all over the country and I've contacted each and every one of them about the situation in Florida and have received the same response. Sorry... but not "OUR" problem, try.. another agency. What I'm saying is we need ONE central agency which brings them all together nation wide who will actually DO something and not just a bunch of office workers who answer the phone and refer us to other useless office phone operators. Meanwhile the hearing on the guardianship/attorneys fees will be heard in court tomorrow, and the judge will rubber stamp it, that's the way "Justice" works when you don't have a huge organization fighting for you. ACLU, ADL, JDL, whatever happened to the Gray Panthers? AARP won't do it, they're way too political, but all of this will happen. We are getting stronger every day!

Nancy50 I was wondering how you actually got the ombudsman to watch out for your mother.

I thought I would relate a story here, I worked in a facility a few months ago. They apparently had really messed up with the medication. They had to have an RN oversee what they were doing. That RN came in once a week. I had just started working, I hadn't even been there a full week. While that nurse was there I began asking questions about who she reported to, etc. While I was doing the questioning she was writing down over two full pages of medication/or recording errors. This nurse stated that the State of Washington would never see her reports, just a time sheet saying she was there. That totally blew my mind. I refused to give meds that night. The girl that was coming on after me had to give them. I wasn't going near them, didn't want to ever touch meds again. This facility was so messed up. And I wanted nothing to do with them. Facilities like that should be shut down. I have not stepped inside those doors since that night.

I wrote that to say...how many blind eyes are turned? How many times do people get away with abuse, med errors, or neglect? There is a lot that goes on out there that people like you and me will never see! I think we all need to just decide that in our sphere of influence we will just try to make a difference.

This is so true. I witnessed a CNA pushing a frail old man to the bathroom as I walked by the door. THE REASON? The poor dear had wet his pants and it made the CNA mad. The man had dementia and couldn't help himself.

Did I report it? You better believe it. I was furious. When the head nurse did nothing, I went over her head to the State. I reported it and within a day there were people everywhere investigating it and the man in question was taken off the floor of dementia patients.

Is that the end of the story? Nope. Within a month this person was back on the floor and the reason I got from the Administrator was that they were short of help. No excuse! I was mortified and I said, "Well, let me tell you this. If that man comes anywhere near my Daddy, I'm holding YOU responsible." He was never assigned to Daddy, but here's the thing. I had to go home at night. What happened after I left? I was so depressed! But eventually, the man was taken off of the floor completely because of shouting at another patient and he was reported (not by me, by the woman who witnessed it).

Now get this...would you believe that some of the other patients wives got mad at me for reporting him? Yep... sure did. Said I put their loved one in danger by doing so. Hello? Do you think I cared? Not one bit. Abuse is abuse and if I had witnessed any again, I would have shouted just as loud.

JJ

The worst part of what is happening is that NO ONE warned us this would be the future we would have to face.

How many blind eyes are turned? Far TOO Many!

How many times do people get away with abuse, med errors, or neglect?

More than anyone knows and what's even worse CARES about.

Financial abuse is one of the worst because anyone with a good attorney can deplete a family's assets to the point of bankruptcy leaving the loved one depending on welfare for their very survival.

It is a very sad state in this country and a growing problem as medical advances keep the aging population's body existing longer, but the quality of life is no more than a breathing corpse, while attorneys and health "care" facitlites toast their financial success with a cup of blood.... We know of the problem.. NOW is the time to plan a solution!

Dutchy ,
Just read your message and sent you a private reply .

[ October 16, 2005, 10:27 PM: Message edited by: Nancy50 ]

Our relative paid thousands of dollars for aids to sit in her room. Mrs. Rose had hospice which should have covered her care under medicare. Our relative lost her liberty over the telephone with no legal representation, no evidence and no notice. Just so you know, a landmark legal case Grant vs. Johnson (Federal Court Oregon) makes it a civil rights violation to do a temporary guardianship/conservatorship with no notice.She was drugged with anti psychotics to chemically straight jacket her. And she never did make it home. She died in state custody, state confinement and involuntary incarceration. The family was bypassed to act as conservator and nobody listened to Mrs. Rose when she said she wanted more than anything to be with her family and they won't let me go. How does this happen? Elders need to live close to their family, if they have family, or to friends. Put your children or close friends or relatives on your bank accounts and deeds to homes. Our relative retired in Carmel, CA. She died skin and bones with open lesions and severe bruising looking like a POW in her board and "care" in Carmel. She, a woman of means, became a ward of the state. The county conservator even sold her personal property and our personal property while she was alive--furniture, pots and pans, even her shoes for about $2. And the county public conservator placed an obituary in the paper and charged the estate. (no such request was made from Mrs. Rose in her will). Not anyone's idea of freedom or respecting old age. Write your senators and congressman and news stations. Boomers watch out or maybe c-span and public tv. These scams are getting worse, not better. Johnny

We have friends who actually take care of their parents and inlaws and that should be the model, not some assisted care warehousing the elderly. They may be pleasant to look at but all the people are so quiet and they don't talk.It is very sad. In Monterey County CA, (our relative retired to Carmel, CA located in Monterey County) there is, we allege, racial and ethnic profiling as to who gets conserved: white women. Boomer women, we really need to get the message out that we do not want to be dumbed down with drugs and we don't want to be "conserved". How many minorities get conserved? How many poor? In Monterey County probably few, if any. This terrible trend needs to be made more and more open in the media. Once a person is labeled incompetent and is conserved it is hard to undo though not impossible. Thanks for helping to get the message out. Johnny

Johnny and all, are there any good books on this? I'd love to learn more. I've learned what I know in these forums. I need to learn more.