My depression is back and it's bad. I'm sorry to bother al of you with this again. But I didn't expect to relapse so fast and so bad.

I called the NIH DR. and he's uping one of my meds. I'm still with my old counselor, becaue I couldn't find a new one that takes my insurance.

I cannot believe this. I'm saying affirmations to myself and outloud. By the end of this week, I'll be alone day after day.

I could volunteer, but I'm so down I just can't explain it.
I couldn't find my first post about this. I need to reread the supportive letters.

I'm getting panic attacks along with the depression. It's because I'm pannicked about the depression, I think.

So sorry to have to post such a down post

Emily

I did find my original post. I'm not concentrating very good. I really did miss it when I searched the first time.
Emily

Writing down how you feel, or talking to us is/can be very therapeutic, so post away, we are listening. I'm so sorry that you are having a bad time with depression and panic attacks. Sometimes it takes about 10 days for the meds to kick in. I Hope you feel better soon.

Hang in there, Emily. Remember that old saying about some journeys being three steps forward, two steps back. These dreaded relapses are so discouraging and frightening - my fear is always that I won't make it out this time. But somehow, in the midst of sinking into that quicksand, you HAVE to force yourself to believe that this is just a TEMPORARY setback, that "this too shall pass".

Come here when you can, and even when you don't feel like it or are afraid to...that fear of "contagious negativity" is a symptom of depression, not our reality here. I know this is REALLY tough to do, but try to write one or two encouraging words to someone else while you're here - you were starting to share your hard-earned wisdom with us here, and we continue to be enriched by your presence here...sometimes, just sharing that little tidbit of wisdom with someone else ends up helping our own selves too.

But I don't mean to pressure you - you and I both know that at these times, you can only do what you can when you can, and trying to move beyond that is just too frustrating and exhausting. So just be who you are here and trust that we're here for you. Know that you're amongst friends who truly care and will help carry you through this dark patch.

And keep in mind that this could be due to chemical imbalance & fluctuations going on due to medications - so don't go beating yourself up about that - you cannot control that balance yourself, and it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong to bring this back. When there are chemical balances at play, it's really a crap shoot trying to bring everything back into balance. Be patient and kind with yourself while the doctor tries to fix this.

Emily, as Eagle said, just hang in there. Depression can often by cyclical, and sometimes medications have to be adjusted because our bodies 'get used to' them. We are here for you and cheering you on.

Yes, hang in there, friend. I know that soon, the right meds will help you out. In the meantime, it sounds like you are doing all the right things.

Know that you are loved and we all want you to be well, soon.

Friends,

I did make it back to work yesterday afternoon. I can't say that I was at my creative best. Basically, I was a warm body, but I did spend some time helping an autistic
child feel like he was fitting in with the others.

I'm listening to everything everyone is saying. When I'm saying this is challenging, I mean that for some time now, I'll only feel down or anxious for a few days and I usually can talk myself out of it with the help of meds.

This is lasting and the anxiety attacks are happening one after another. It's very, very draining.

I have to host a Luau for the kids on Thursday, the last day of school. Then I have a family gathering to attend on Saturday. On Sunday, the family is having a 60th birthday party for my husband. It will be Luau themed too.

This all sounds like fun, but right now -- for me -- it sounds overwhelming. Usually I'd love a weekend like this.

I talked to an old friend last night. She's off this week, but will be going back to work next week. Nancy has a husband with depression and their son had to take off a year of college with the same challenge.

So, she has been a great support this week. She's also trying to find me a good therapist. Every person we've called has failed to call back. Not one call returned.

So, I'm still with Bruce. As nice and good as he is, I'm not sure I'm getting anywhere with him. I'm not sure he is trained in Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

Believe me ladies, I do not want to feel like this. My husband is yelling at me to "get over it." After all of these years, I know it's hard on him, too. But I've been fighting all of the way. I've been working part-time. I have been trying as hard as I can. I've been working with therapists and I'm tired.

Nancy said that maybe I'm trying to hard. I think there is some truth in what she said.

Also, she reminded me of all of the losses I'm facing now - my job ending, no meeting colleages in the morning, not seeing the parents who are so nice, now working with the kids, my neighbor died last Saturday and my friends moving.

She knows that I don't do loss well and that I'm basically scared to be alone. I don't understand this feeling. I have a nice house and four dogs and fish. This is what I'm wanting a therapist to work on with me. Why do I panic or get anxiety attacks when I'm alone?

Eagle, what you said about being afraid that this is contagious, that's how I feel exactly. Exactly.

I'm back to one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.

Thanks to all of you who are taking your time to help me.

Emily

Emily,
It's interesting when you say that you "don't do loss well". I was reflecting on this in my own life yesterday; I realized that although I've had chronic (very low-grade) depression all of my life, the major clinical depressions have only happened after major losses in my life. The first one was triggered by the loss of a significant relationship/person in my life at the time. All other major bouts have been triggered by loss - my Dad, Mom, and now my brother. Each time, those losses have ripped the rug out from under my feet, and each time those losses have also triggered major fear of being alone and terrible feelings of having been abandoned by everyone.

(PS, there are a lot of other peripheral losses that I'm dealing with in connection to losing my brother - those are just as painful and rug-ripping)

There has to be a connection there, that perhaps being highly sensitive persons, we just truly don't do loss well; it literally does rip the rug out from under our feet and takes us a long time and hard work to find our equilibrium again...and depending on the peripheral losses (social, networking, meaningful contribution, etc), re-finding our balance within those new circumstances can be a long and elusive exercise in frustration and fatigue.

I'm currently working on "steadfastness". It's the ability to stay centered while the world is caving in all around me, and the ability to stay intact when everything around me is in chaos. It's do-able, but hard to reach...that's the patch of road I'm on right now - hoping that it will help me not completely collapse again when the next major loss happens.

Sigh. Emily, life is a constant struggle for those of us who suffer this depression illness. Even when things are going well, we're always nervous that at any moment that depression is going to just come right out of left field and whack us in the mind again and suck us right back down into that quagmire.

I do believe that we're ultimately tougher, and that the more "rounds" we go through, the better we get at getting through them intact. Hang in there. All of those things you have planned ARE overwhelming - I'm utterly exhausted just reading what you have to do and will probably have to take a nap just thinking about your hectic schedule. That's hard enough for anyone, but for those of us with an increased need for "downtime", it's indeed overwhelming. Take it one day, one moment, one person, one task at a time. Keep telling yourself "this too shall pass" and "I'm much tougher and stronger than I feel right now".

We're all here with you. And we're not going to allow this to be contagious (it's not you who decides if it's contagious, it's us), so feel free to vent, write and be what you need to be right here with us, we're listening.

Thank you Eagle,

I made it to work this morning. But I am overwhelmed by all of these planned parties and people that I have to be up for to entertain.

The timing is not good for me. I'm way down and anxious at the same time.

I can't imagine trying to concentrate on putting these parties together.

I've just taken another 100 mg of a med I'm supposed to take and 2 Kolonopins.

If I can just get through this week, I'm going to restart my search for a therapist who can meet with me two or three times a week. I need that support now.

Thank you for saying that my challenge is not contagious. I really feel uncomfortable posting negative issues here.
Don't want to upset anyone, ever.

Think your problem with loss does sound exactly like mine.
I wonder where this response came from?

Have to lie down now. Don't know how I'm going to do this afternoon.

Thank you, Eagle, for so much love and support,
Emily

Emily
I do understand that you need to lie down.
Have you friends who would step up and help with the parties?Whilst allowing you to attend and share the responsiblilty.
I dont do big parties and take Christmas steps at a time using short cuts to save work.
We all care that you begin to feel better.
Mountain ash