Loss of independence! Do your parents still have their driver's license?

If not, do you help them with groceries, clothes shopping, doctor appts., etc.? Have they become much more dependent on you since losing their ability to drive? How do you set limits?

My mom turned 85 thismonth and had her drivers license renewed last month. She doesn't drive at night anymore because of macular degeneration in one eye but she passed with flying colors...

I don't think my dad drives much anymore with Parkinsons. Mom drives and truthfully, I wouldn't get in a car with her. First of all, she's not very big but they have this big Cadillac and I'm surprised she can see over the wheel. She was always a speeder too. Hope she's slowed down.

My mother is 85 and has macular degeneration. The year before my dad died, we agreed that she didn't need to drive anymore. If she had just been driving to church occasionally or to the store, she could probably have driven a lot longer. However, she was making a 40 mile round trip everyday to the nursing home and would often be driving in the rush hour traffic. Not driving was for her safety and others. She had always been a good driver. But, there was no way she was going to stay away from the nursing home every day if she had a car regardless of how dangerous it might be.
Now, however, she has to wait on the charity of others, which is very difficult because she was always extremely independent. It really overwhelms her sometimes. She lives with my little sister in another town. It probably wouldn't be as difficult for her as it is, but my little sister does not communicate. Even if she plans to do something Mother has asked about, she doesn't bother to tell her. So it is terribly frustrating for Mother. It is wonderful that my sister offered to let Mother live there, but sometimes I think it would be better if she lived in a retirement high-rise where she could have access to transportation and other people her age. But, maybe it's more important to be around family for her regardless of the frustrations.

My mother is deceased and my father is in a VET's hospital but my father-in-law is a menace. Of course you cannot tell him that his driving ability is deteriorating. We were at least able to keep him from making long trips. He used to drive to Florida but now he will fly.

I noticed that he is not driving as much.

I think it is very hard on the family member who is trying to take away the license of a parent. My husband and sister-in-law do not want to admit that it's a problem.

And unless the DMV revokes his license, he will just go down there and get another if his is taken away. We even tried taking the car keys but he just calls a locksmith. His problem is intermitting.

This is the chicken way we dealt with my father in law not driving. We made his doctor tell him he shouldn't drive anymore! It worked!

This post made me stop and think how awful it will be when I can't jump in my car and drive wherever I want to go. Its just one more thing we never think about until it happens. I love my car and the freedom it affords me....wow!

Oh Chatty, you're too spunky to ever stop driving. My husband had an aunt who was still driving at 96! Now, I'm not saying it would be a safe ride but she drove and she was a slum lord. Had her bodyguard go with her every friday to collect the "cash rent." She was a pistol. She passed away about three years ago tho. Never stopped until she stopped breathing.

Yeah, my Mother's friend is 91, and she still drives. I can't quite imagine not being able to drive, either! If you're isolated and don't live near your family, I'm sure that would be a real *#@*@*@.

I've just finished reading an excellent book -- Doing the Right Thing: Taking Care of Your Elderly Parents Even If They Didn't Take Care of You by Roberta Satow.

I heard the author on Diane Reim's NPR show and knew that I had to read the book. Her writing style isn't the best, but the info in the book is right on target.

Misfire, thanks for the book idea. I've read on many topics, but haven't gotten around to the caring for elderly parent's topic yet. I think it's time.

Dotsie,
Thanks for your kind offer regarding my mother. I just got back from there-cleaning and grocery shopping. We are lucky my sister lives around the corner and can do the day to day stuff and drive her to dr's visits. Caring for the elderly parent is such an important topic. There are so many needs besides medical, legal being one of them, that have to be addressed. We boomers are nudging that age line and a how to manual might be another wonderful idea. Being unmarried with no children, I'd like to know that I've done all I should to be prepared for the unexpected. I'd hate to burden one of my sisters with my care or the disposition of my house and such.

Dotsie,
My mom died in 1993. But when she was age 89, the neighbors complained; they didn't want her driving. So she quit. It's the saddest thing when that happens. And yes...she became more dependent. I took her grocery shopping and she lived at my house for 6 months at a time. I presently have a friend who's turning 86 years old, next month. She says, "Growing old is NOT for sissies." I say, "Only alternative...is to die young?"

[ May 06, 2005, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: bonnierose333 ]

I've had to deal with three elderly relatives who were not safe to drive but wanted to continue driving. Their loss of independence is very minor compared to the potential liability issues that can happen if they get in an accident or, god forbid, kill someone. They complain about having to take taxis a lot - oh, the cost is so high!! But compare that to the cost of maintaining a car with insurance, repairs, gas, etc. etc. and it's nothing. The point that finally got my mom to give in was that if she killed someone while driving, the potential lawsuit could not only bankrupt her for her future, but also put in jeopardy the financial future of her kids.

Thanks for all your thoughts and comments.

Elsie, three elderly relatives? Maybe you should write the book Kat's talking about.

If you go to Amazon and do a caring for our parents search, you'll see htere are quite a few books worth exploring.

Can you imagine not being able to jump in your car and head out? Maybe the answer is living in a small town where you can walk everywhere.

Dotsie, that's not really true any more. A lot of the 'shopping' has moved out to the suburbs and you still have to drive. If there is a Mayberry RFD out there in the US somewhere -- I'd like to know where it is. I'd move there.

My aunt stopped driving at the insistence of several people before she turned 100. We had her a big 100th birthday party and everyone spoke about how great it was that she had lived to be 100.
But when it was my aunt's turn to speak, she said, "Look you all may think this being a hundred is a great thing, but I'm telling you, it's nothing but a NUISANCE!
She died peacefully not too long after that.
smile

My mom lost her license to drive this past february. She has advanced macular in both eyes and she can bearly hear. We do alot of errands together. We have alot of frustrating times and also a lot of great laughs. We laugh at her mistakes and mine trying to weave our way through life. She is very intelligent and willful and puts me in my place whenever necessary and even when not. People around us that we deal with I think find us amusing. I just know I will cherrish this timew we have had together.

And so you should Oyster-ears, many can't from having lost their moms much too soon....My mom whos 85 and her sister, my Aunt who is 87 were going to the show for their friends Birthday Saturday, she turned 90. Mom drove them all to the show to see Monster-In-Law and she said it was hysterical. I can just imagine the prattle going on in that car..they are all so cute.

Oyster-ears, I'm gettin such a kick out of your screen name. Chatty, I can just see your mom and aunt driving down the road. And Bonnie Rose, I love your comment that growing old is not for sissies!

My mom is 82 and still driving, but recently her mechanic called me up and suggested I steer mom towards an automatic. She's been driving a stick since she was 14, but lately has been having trouble with arthritis in her hands. Shifting was getting difficult. Mom ended up getting a new VW Golf. At first she was confused about not using her left foot, but she's got the hang of it now. She's still okay on the road, but no longer likes to drive at night. It's no big deal because my hubby and I only live a mile away and are happy to transport her after dark. We're lucky that she's in good health and nearby.

Prill, I can't believe your mom has driven a stick all these years. What a riot. Most people at her age have their license removed. She has her stick shift taken away. No wonder you're such a go-getter. You must take after your mom.

Not only has my mom driven a stick all these years, but for the past 17 years or so, she's driven this cute, bright red Volkswagen GTI that "went like stink," as my dad used to say. (In other words, it had a souped-up engine.) The license plate said, "De Trop," which means "too fast" in French. Bear in mind that my mom is 4'11" and weighs just over 90 lbs.!

I can relate to her feelings. I am only 58 years old and diagnosed with Retinitis Pigmentosa. Two years ago I also had to give up driving. With blind spots, there are people driving from all directions and it would be easy to miss them when looking at other drivers. Being independent, I learned about our local senior center for transportation and the SMART connector bus. The disadvantages is their time frame. They are great for shopping, getting to day time events and such. However, if your mother has money to spare, she can call an in-home (non medical) services to drive, shop, and clean for her on the same day. This at least is a start to offset any free transportation from senior centers. The key is to check these options out. Please let me know what happens. eldercareconcierge@comcast.net

This was something I never thought about until my MIL could no longer drive. Unfortunately, she died shortly after that happened so she never really bacame dependent on public transportation, or our local senior ride. She mailnly depended on family.

This is soemthing that is changing tremendously and will continue to change as boomers mature because so many ofus won't have family in town. I have a friend who had launched a new eldercare business and is doing very well. She offers services for familes to keep loved ones in their home for as long a possible. She can arrange rides, health care, people to pay bills, food shop, etc. IT's very involved becasue she amily corresponds with the children who are living out fo state.

I can see where that would be a great business, and much needed. I bet the legal side of it all was a daunting task, to say the least.

JJ

They do that alot here in Vegas and there are so many Seniors that are able to remain in their homes because of it. I think those elder minimum care places are nice to. They have their own apartments, can cook or eat really good meals in the dining room, they have pools, exercise rooms, and yet there is a medical staff always available in case of an emergency. It reminds me sort of like a 'grown up' college dormitory. I may end up in one someday once my pets are gone. If I don't go first that is???

Anne, what a good daughter. Mind sharing what her illness is?

I've heard of parents of teens blocking thier kid's cars in the driveway. I guess what goes around, comes around.

Anne, the fact that she doesn't want to drive is a mixed blessing, huh? At least you don't have to take the keys away. That's not easy. I remember when my husband had to do that with his mom. It's one of the only times one has to put their foot down with their parents. Just another way we end up being their parents. I think it's sad.

I can understand her frustration. Family is very important but communicating with others her age is more important to her mental and emotional health. Are there any senior centers with transportation in her area? The one near me is terrific and their programs are super. Sometimes just volunteering to call homebound people can be her calling. Any other thoughts? Being homebound more than desired is very hard to get used to. I am still looking for my calling but taking baby steps first.

At only 58 years old, I can not longer drive. I was diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa which creates blind spots and limited field of vision. After being independent and helping seniors for so long, the idea of homebound life just isn't in my book. Our senior center has great transportation within the city but the county bus line needs to be expanded to suit my needs. My calling is still unknown but I am taking baby steps to find it. Recently I finished a book on facing physical challenges which helps seniors and those who have lost loved ones (lifestyle challenges). Someone is doing a great job with a project to help those visually impaired with makeup and hair care. Maybe this is a calling for me? I am keeping in touch with her to see if my assistance would be appreciated.