My friend, who lost her husband, is not doing well at all. I try to go see her as often as i possibly can..but it takes alot out of me..naturally..so I need a break.. And now my daughter is having serious problems around her oldest boy, 10 yrs tomorrow. And she needs our support and practical help too. I´ll have to explain about that another time. Just haven´t got the energy to write it all now.

How does one "keep a cool head" and some sort of inner balance thru all this? Or I won´t be good for anyone..including my immediate family. I still have my 17 yr old living at home with me!

I suppose that if I am writing this to you all at 2 am in the morning..monday morning.. (swedish time)..then I am still among the living and there´s hope! I have lot going on at work right now..end of school things..and my bad conscience of not being able to visit my friend or my daughter as I would like, is not easy to bear..

Any thoughts, directions are most welcome from you! I am so grateful for anything! Thanks and love to you all! Have a wonderful sunday evening!!!

If you try to see your friend as often as you can...then you are allready doing alot. Sometimes just a phone call is enough to let someone know you are thinking of them.

By the way I'm wandering around in the wee morning too, humlun. Maybe it's the moom tonight. Excuse me while I howl.

Finding a balance and maintaining one's own solid ground is difficult when you're a compassionate caring person. It has taken me many breakdowns to figure out that it's not only good to do so, it's CRITICAL to do so. It's very critical that we find the way to care for the people we love without "owning" their pain and making it ours and allowing them/their pain to weigh us down so much that we're no longer able to carry our OWN selves through our own trials and hurdles of each day.

I've recently stumbled across what's called "the Law of Allowing" - it's part of the Law of Attraction philosophy. As someone who tends to take on the pain of the world to the point of letting it break me, it's been very beneficial to me to read and incorporate this "law of allowing" into my everyday thinking. Essentially it's about allowing others to be who they are and caring about them - without allowing their actions, behaviours, pain and feelings to have a detrimental impact on my well-being to the point of negating who I am (how many of us take on so much of another's pain that we lose all sense of who we are anymore).

There's a fine balance, and I would think that it's different for each of us, and some of us are NOT wired to absorb as much as perhaps we perceive other people absorbing. We must find our limitation and claim our own solid ground and not allow another's pain to come in any further than that perimeter that we've set for ourselves. That's hard to do, because as compassionate people, we ARE wired to care deeply - and it's impossible to just switch that off. But if we're going to maintain our own sanity, it is crucial that we DO learn when and how to switch it off.

The more I read and learn about love, about how to love others and to be loved, the more I'm recognizing the wisdom of learning how to love ourselves FIRST - that's not meant to become narcissistic or selfish, but meant to help us learn how taking care of ourselves and making sure we have everything we need to be healthy and whole (diet, exercise, etc) then allows us to take better (wiser) care of others. It's all connected - our ability to take care of others is connected to how well we are able to maintain care and well-being of ourselves. That's perhaps where we lose our balance - when we forget to love and take care of ourselves, everything else will be off-balance.

So make sure that you carve out time and "solid ground" for yourself in the midst of caring for your friend and other loved ones - it could be the difference between being able to CONTINUE caring for them or breaking down from the weight of all of that overwhelming extra pain, which isn't yours to own and not yours to carry.

THANK YOU so much for your quick responses. I really needed this! The first thing I did when I got home today was check this forum. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! It means everything to know that there are some people out there that understand and are with me!

Eagle Heart your answer has to do with what I am battling with at the moment. Everything you wrote is so true! And I think that this is what life is trying to teach me/us. It´s a very difficult balance act, but very very important.

I have even gone so far, in the past, to feel sorry for myself when there is alot going on around me! I have just recently realized this! And probably by my behavior, forced my friends to pity me because life is so difficult for "me". I am ashamed when I think of this now. I have had alot of sorrow in my own life..yes..loosing my daughter to liver disease is one thing, etc. etc. But to feel sorry for myself because others in my near circle are having a hard time??? I am ashamed and surprised to have discovered this about myself!

I´ve checked your blogg and see that you have very difficult things to carry also. Thank you again for taking the time to write to me. It really means so much just at this time. I think you know that, too. Being the person that you are.

I´ve had a whiskey and a cig at the computer and now I have to eat something.

Thank you so much.

Just have to add one more thought.. I have a card in my kitchen that reminds me that "waiting is sometimes an active response" or something to that effect. Today I called my friend who is grieving and she is going to meet another friend at a restaurant! A big step for her at the moment! You see, I am not the center of the universe! And my daughter had a talk with the school principal where her son, my granchild, goes. She managed that conversation very firmly and clearly! Sooooo...waiting and trusting in the universal light and wisdom that is within us all, is not such a bad idea sometimes! I am not GOD who has to make everything happen or BE everywhere... just a thought..

Thank you again!

I feel the "middle road" neither too much to the right or the left is a place to aim to be.
I understand about the end of term when things get hectic.
I understand too about reading the forum when I have had distress.
Look after yourself.
Mountain ash

Humlan: Eagle's advise is, indeed, wise. We get caught up taking care of others and trying to solve and bear their struggles, and... we end up forgetting to take care of ourselves. Sooner or later, we see the results... devastating at times.

I pray for your friend, yourself and yours. I pray for all of us, knowing that we each have our own struggles and circumstances.

But "love your neighbor as you love yourself" is there for a reason. (And I've had to learn this the hard way). I can only give what I have, so I NEED to take care of myself if I'm going to be of any help to others.

Blessings!

Eagle Heart is so very wise....

I remember a saying I heard once that I sometimes pass along to my clients: Dear Humlan, I don't need your help today. Thanks, God.