It's so new, I think I'm still processing it.

When I awoke in that dank hotel room, I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life! I mean, really alone. But, there was something that forced me to go deeper to analyze why.

Briefly, I realized that it doesn't matter how pretty you are, how intelligent you might be, what kind of car you drive, what designer clothes you wear, how big the diamond on your finger might be...alone is alone. Not fitting in is not fitting in! Geesh, I never even fit into my own family! That was the start of it and honey, it ain't ever ended!

Maybe it was seeing my cousin's widow and her actions toward her grown children and the closeness there. I don't know. One thing: Something happened January 20th of this year and I have refused to deal with it. In truth, I think I had a mini-breakdown. But, I shove everything deep inside and turn off my feelings and try to just continue as if. Didn't work this time because I've been suffering in my heart and soul since that day. I can't even really cry. Brief little campaigns of some tears but that's all. It has to come out someway on someday and I guess it is. But, I don't want to just cry, I want to get to the bottom of this and my acceptance of certain events in my life for whatever reasons. I guess God's been knocking on my soul door but I haven't been willing to answer. Didn't want to go there and deal with it. Now, I'm ready. Hope this helps make some sense of this.

On an unrelated note, for people who have parents with Parkinson's, ESPECIALLY parents from hell...Our retired (award-winning) architect neighbor who is over right now has PD and his wife founded Parkinson's Resource Organization (www.parkinsonsresource.org) that I highly recommend for support to anyone who is afflicted with PD and that includes families, loved ones, and caregivers. I feel for you. Please visit PRO and get on their list. Jo Rosen and her people will talk to you personally. This is a 24/7 endeavor for Jo. I am volunteering my time. When my grandmother was dying she referred us to hospice and for this reason among many others I am helping this wonderful woman as well as promoting a truly excellent resource. If you live in CA, there are eight support groups.

[ December 13, 2004, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: Kristin ]

Girls I am a firm believer in the old saying:

WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND

and they are the living proof that the saying is oh so true....and paybacks are a bitch!