It's so new, I think I'm still processing it.

When I awoke in that dank hotel room, I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life! I mean, really alone. But, there was something that forced me to go deeper to analyze why.

Briefly, I realized that it doesn't matter how pretty you are, how intelligent you might be, what kind of car you drive, what designer clothes you wear, how big the diamond on your finger might be...alone is alone. Not fitting in is not fitting in! Geesh, I never even fit into my own family! That was the start of it and honey, it ain't ever ended!

Maybe it was seeing my cousin's widow and her actions toward her grown children and the closeness there. I don't know. One thing: Something happened January 20th of this year and I have refused to deal with it. In truth, I think I had a mini-breakdown. But, I shove everything deep inside and turn off my feelings and try to just continue as if. Didn't work this time because I've been suffering in my heart and soul since that day. I can't even really cry. Brief little campaigns of some tears but that's all. It has to come out someway on someday and I guess it is. But, I don't want to just cry, I want to get to the bottom of this and my acceptance of certain events in my life for whatever reasons. I guess God's been knocking on my soul door but I haven't been willing to answer. Didn't want to go there and deal with it. Now, I'm ready. Hope this helps make some sense of this.