i have a very good friend. her husband, she has recently been told, is dying. he has cancer and due to the treatments, he suffered a bad stroke about a year ago. at present he is deteriorating and can do nothing for himself. he is only 55! my friend and her husband are really a couple that is as one body, mind and soul. she is totally devastated and says that she cannot go on without him. she plans to take her life when it´s all over. they have 2 sons, 28 and 20 yrs old. what i am asking is help to help my friends. how do i stop from going under myself? i won´t be much use to them if i collapse.

i lost my own daughter quite a few years ago to a liver disease. and i know that my friend´s agony reawakens my own. i am aware in my mind that this is her life and her problems..and i want to be of help and survive myself. does anyone understand what i am trying to say??? i feel like the biggest ego on earth. and at the same time, i am hurting so much for their sake.

i would be grateful for any thoughts that would help me put this in perspective..for THEIR sakes and mine!

Are you close by? Maybe you could always be close and let her know you care and don't want her to do something foolish. This is so sad and I will pray for them.

Yes, I am close by. I am actually not addressing her thoughts about what she wants to do when it´s all over. I am trying to help her thru each day right now.

Thank you for your prayers...

Humlun the only thing you can be for your friend is a strong safe pillar for her to hang on to when she needs it.

And the only way you can be strong for your friend is if you distance yourself emotionally. My son is a paramedic, and sees the most horrible things. He says it is possible to not let your emotions take over. He says if he ever did that he would not be able to help his patients.

Try not to see the similarities between the pain that you went through with your daughter and your friend's suffering. If you can't separate the two, then you should protect yourself first and ask your friend to seek professional help.

I know this is all easier said then done. It must be extremely hard for you.

I love that you want to be there for your friend, but perhaps she also needs someone else to help her work through her sorrow. A professional? A therapist, psychiatrist?

I agree with Hannelore - try to detach, as hard as it is to do that. And take care of yourself, first. You will only be help to her if you are emotionally and physically healthy.

Good luck with this. My prayers will be with you.

thank you so much for your replies..i finally took a day off from work to put myself together again..and yes, that meant distancing and putting things and myself into perspective..Hannelore, the thought of your paramedic son made it REAL for me somehow..what i was doing with myself and thereby, with my friend, I guess. And Anno, yes she was supposed to have talked to someone today at the hospital..a sort of therapist. "kurator" they are called in Sweden.

I have decided not to call her everyday..but i will continue sending her a good night message on her cell as i have always done since her husband became ill (over a year now). I can´t be the one to call her everyday..difficult to say to myself..but it´s true..

I needed something to help me distance myself..i picked up a book that i recently ordered,The Spiritual Teachings of Yoga..and that got me thinking and started me on another path..I´ll be going back to work tomorrow and i hope i can take some of the calm and insight of today with me..

Your answers got me started..took me out of my fog..thank you very much..i sort of wrote in this forum to see what would happen..hoping i wasn´t being too much too soon.. thank you!

I plan to tell my friend that there are people praying for her all over the world. i think that will help her, too.

humlan...

I think all the above advise is very wise...I'll add my 2 cents worth as well...you can only be there for your friend if you are there for yourself first and foremost...I don't know what is self-care for you...sounds like you're finding some ways...but take exceptionally good care of yourself...

It's so easy to take responsiblilty for others happiness and actions...especially when we love them very much...but in truth you can only be responsible for you...

You help her by being in the very best place emotionally that you can be when you talk with her...even if that means skipping days...

I think I rambled...you're in my thoughts and prayers...