My dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons about two-three years ago.

Now, this is going to sound just absolutely horrible but first, a disclaimer: My dad has always been verbally and emotionally abusive and one of his tools was hate letters. Pages and pages of telling me what a horrible person I was and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have a pot of pi** from, etc. I finally started mailing them back to him unopened.

My point is this--now that he has Parkinsons, he can no longer write. And I feel this is a Universal halt to his horrible letters. Of course, he can still make terrible phone calls but I have the choice, thanks to caller id, whether to answer them or not. I don't know, I just needed to write about this for some reason I don't want to be like him when I'm in my 80's and still doing the same things I did when I was in my 40's and causing pain.

Dianne,
I don't think there's any danger of that happening. You are too kind, sensitive and warm to others here and always helping with the plights.

It's just like the caller id thingy...you've got choices. Looks like to me you've already made good ones. I look for you to be the same dynamic woman in your 80's that you are today in your....ah what? 30's?

JJ

I don't think that's going to happen at this stage of the game. You are too set in your loving, giving, caring, and compassionate ways. Just ask any of the women you've helped through your site.

Life is full of choices and we need to make the ones that build us up.

Can't wait to see you today!

Ah..shucks. Thanks for the very kind words. JJ: 20's I'm in my 20's. I know, it's strange that I have a 37 year old son but he lies about his age.

welll....whatdaya know! ME TOO! I had my son when I was 9.

What?

JJ

Dianne, I agree with JJ and Dotsie. You are devoted to helping others. You've already made a choice to not be like him and can see the fruits of your labor. Each new day we decide what to do and you are commited to a very good cause! God Bless you!

Dianne, I share a variation of your experience. My mother was abusive throughout my life. When she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease a couple of years ago, the first sign of her illness was that she became sweet-tempered and docile. She's decompensated quickly within the last couple of months. The first "wave" of my own grief came with the terror of watching this woman, with whom I had had a deadly battle for survival all my life, basically vacate her body.
I was always terrified of being like her--and now I was terrified of losing my mind like her. (It didn't help that I was being plagued with menopausal memory lapses, or that the stress of taking care of her was draining what little mental faculties I felt I had available). I wanted to get past my own fears and grief so that I could do the decent thing, providing what care I could and supporting my brothers and my father as they have stepped up to the plate. I voiced my fear of being like her to a very wise friend. She said, "Daphne. Your mother has never been present. You, however, have never been absent." Those words gave great comfort as I set about the business of pitching in where I could and also continuing to take good care of myself.
Blessings to you as you deal with this grief--not only your father's illness, but a lifetime of hurt. Daphne

Daphne, I hope other women read your words. What a blessing a few words can make on someone's life. I bet you're grateful for that dear friend.

A point I'd like to make is that if you had never shared that intimacy with your friend, you may not have come to that realization on your own. Friends Heal Friends! We need to opne up and share our stories! In doing so we heal ourselves and others.

Daphne, how kind of you to share your pain with me. It really helped me.

I recently returned from a trip to NM for a tribute to my cousin and uncle, who died in the same week. What I found was self-discovery instead of paying homage to them. Mind boggling, eye-opening discovery and it took place in a small, dark hotel room in the middle of the night. Being a writer, I must make the time to write about this. Another book? Yes, 100% for sure. This is how it happened in my intense therapy after my departure from an abusive marriage. Realizations that completely alter your life and turn everything around. Painful. Oh dear, so much pain but a huge spurt of growth. I don't know about any of you but I only grow through pain. This agony I feel is well worth it because it's going to alter EVERYTHING. Sorry to be so vague but I'd have to write my book here to explain it.

Diane,
I am so intrigued by your post. You must share more. Of course I am happy that you've had revelations (is that the right word?) and even more happy that whatever pass thru you has triggered a writing frenzy! Good for you. But I would love to know more. Too soon?

JJ

It's so new, I think I'm still processing it.

When I awoke in that dank hotel room, I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life! I mean, really alone. But, there was something that forced me to go deeper to analyze why.

Briefly, I realized that it doesn't matter how pretty you are, how intelligent you might be, what kind of car you drive, what designer clothes you wear, how big the diamond on your finger might be...alone is alone. Not fitting in is not fitting in! Geesh, I never even fit into my own family! That was the start of it and honey, it ain't ever ended!

Maybe it was seeing my cousin's widow and her actions toward her grown children and the closeness there. I don't know. One thing: Something happened January 20th of this year and I have refused to deal with it. In truth, I think I had a mini-breakdown. But, I shove everything deep inside and turn off my feelings and try to just continue as if. Didn't work this time because I've been suffering in my heart and soul since that day. I can't even really cry. Brief little campaigns of some tears but that's all. It has to come out someway on someday and I guess it is. But, I don't want to just cry, I want to get to the bottom of this and my acceptance of certain events in my life for whatever reasons. I guess God's been knocking on my soul door but I haven't been willing to answer. Didn't want to go there and deal with it. Now, I'm ready. Hope this helps make some sense of this.

On an unrelated note, for people who have parents with Parkinson's, ESPECIALLY parents from hell...Our retired (award-winning) architect neighbor who is over right now has PD and his wife founded Parkinson's Resource Organization (www.parkinsonsresource.org) that I highly recommend for support to anyone who is afflicted with PD and that includes families, loved ones, and caregivers. I feel for you. Please visit PRO and get on their list. Jo Rosen and her people will talk to you personally. This is a 24/7 endeavor for Jo. I am volunteering my time. When my grandmother was dying she referred us to hospice and for this reason among many others I am helping this wonderful woman as well as promoting a truly excellent resource. If you live in CA, there are eight support groups.

[ December 13, 2004, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: Kristin ]

Girls I am a firm believer in the old saying:

WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND

and they are the living proof that the saying is oh so true....and paybacks are a bitch!