I had to jump in here. The boundaries books, are the best ever. When we used boundaries for kids, our house became a much better place. I had to get the boundaries for adults. I suggest the boundaries book for anyone who has family issues.

I only wish I had read the book, when I was 10. Life would have been so much better.

My children have much healthier relationships with their friends. And when my son brought home a psycho girlfriend, we made him read the book, and he broke up with her. He is still amazed at how she is trying to cross those boundaries, two months after they have broken up. A good object lesson, I would say.

Use boundaries all of the time with my mother in law. Father in law has Alz. Mother in law knows no boundaries and never has! Some days I dont' know which is worse.

Dutchy, please tell us the names of those books on boundaries. I can't wait to research them. Thanks.

Dutchy, yes, please...I need to find a good book for adult boundaries.

I planned for years that my mom & grandmother would end up living with us.

The only thing I didn't plan....was when it actually happened!!! I am still learning as we go!

For me it's been easier having them here. I don't have to worry about them being alone. I don't have to deal with my job/missing work/traveling back & forth (even if it was only 10 miles!)...so in that aspect, things are easier.

But emotionally & mentally......it's a work in progress!!!

Research all you can. There have been so many more things come about that I never imagined!

And we're all here for you!!!

The books that I have been talking about are

"Boudaries" By Townsend and Cloud
"Boudaries for Kids" By Townsend and Cloud

Great books!

Here is a link to an Ask Dutchy post I did where I actually used a quote from one of the books.
Ask Dutchy, practical ideas and support for helping the elderly with Alzheimer's Disease http://askdutchy.mycarelink.net/2005/06/mom-has-alzheimersdifficulties-with.html

These books are extremely helpful on all sorts of levels. I guess what I am trying to say is that the guidance these books give can be applied to a wide range of situations.
My Care Link Helpful Books and Resources http://mycarelink.net/resource_material.php

Dutchy, thanks for the titles. I'm going to check them out on Amazon.

I don't have a problem setting boundaries for my children, but I do with other adults.

[ September 03, 2005, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Dutchy,
Don't you think denial is the first thing that happens? I know it did with us.

We used "old age" or "tired" and other things to dismiss what was going on with Daddy. He had an operation for corroded arties (probably misspelled) and had mini-strokes we were told (on the operating table) yet we even denied those. We pretended that the anesthesia they gave him was the cause of his mind wandering, forgetfulness, and hallucinations. And it worked, but after a few months, you have to wake up and admit there is something else going on, especially after he tells you that he's enjoyed the visit, but now he needs to go home to his REAL family.

JJ

[QUOTE]Originally posted by jawjaw:
Don't you think denial is the first thing that happens? I know it did with us.


Yes, I do believe that denial is the first step of this process.

12 steps of accepting Alzheimer's/Dementia (adapted from "life accoring to how my mother in law views it!)

12. Denial
11. More Denial
10. Call it something its not
9. Cover up any mistakes
8. Discuss this with your relatives
7. More Denial
6. Help the person out by doing more things for
them-(note to MIL- denial is OK)
5. Give them a notebook
4. Cut their food into smaller pieces
3. Keep telling yourself there is nothing wrong
2. Clean up after their messes (exteme denial)
1. Place them in a long-term care facility (note-some denial might still be present at this stage.)

jj, your family had healthy denial. My mother in laws denial is unbelievable. All of my in laws friends have approached us and have asked/told us, "We've noticed Neal is having a lot of problems, have you guys noticed anything?" DUH! They have all been so nice!

I can't wait until one of them asks us..."your mother in law is in denial, have you noticed this?"

I know once we accepted (we being me and my four sisters) that Daddy had an irreversible dementia, we learned very quickly to adopt a new mind set. We switched out thinking from "oh he'll snap out of it" to "okay, lets read every single thing we can get our hands on and learn to cope."

Mother continue to stay in a somewhat stage of denial, however, to her benefit, it was the only way she could continue to cope with Daddy's loss of memory, her breast cancer, and her partner of 57 years living in a home. She eventually realized the disease was "what it was."

We all vowed to give Daddy the best possible care and quality of life we could for whatever time remained. We did. I have no regrets. That is, other than turning my back on the disease and the VA facility once Daddy died. I really need to be active again with the vets that are still there.

And now to my question: Have you heard of other people feeling/wanting to cut off anything that had to do with the dementia after their loved one passes away? VA Homes, Nursing homes, people, nurses, the doctors, etc?

JJ