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#11660 - 07/12/04 03:14 AM
Re: boundaries
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Member
Registered: 01/01/04
Posts: 678
Loc: Tazewell County, VA, USA
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I have absolutely NO clue but I'd like to know.
As I've said before, my 91 year old mother in law lives with us and it's difficult. Very, very difficult. Not for her especially, but for Dave and I. She'll do these TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS things and 30 seconds later forget and then wonder why we're upset with her.
How do you get someone to use enough toilet paper? (no, it's NOT enough that you take one square, rip it in half and then use half and save half)
How do you get someone to wash their hands? (you just wiped yourself and you HAVE to wash your hands!)
How do you get someone to bath...even twice a week?
How do you get someone to change their clothes even 2 or 3 times a week?
How do you get someone to stop, cease and quit hanging their underwear all over their bed posts, chair arms, etc.? (They were wet and needed to dry...the reason they were wet is because you peed yourself because you didn't feel like getting out of bed or the chair and get to the bathroom...)
How do you get someone to stop telling OUTRAGEOUS lies? (this woman will just make up stuff about people..."I heard she got a better job than her husband and now they are having problems" this said about someone she doesn't even know!)
I'm going crazy; wanna come along? I gotta warn you though...it's a short trip.
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#11661 - 07/11/04 05:41 PM
Re: boundaries
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Member
Registered: 02/19/03
Posts: 765
Loc: Oregon
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Oh Sandra I can empathize with you. Brings back so many memories of my own mother. Not making it to the bathroom because she didn't want to get up.
Having to let her have her dignity in front of company. Hang in there You are doing a great job.
Maggie
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#11663 - 07/11/04 06:18 PM
Re: boundaries
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Member
Registered: 01/01/04
Posts: 678
Loc: Tazewell County, VA, USA
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Thanks Maggie, but I'm not sure I'm doing a great job. Some days I scream at her. Other days I ignore her. Most days I'm very pleasant to her. Each day is a new day for me to learn lessons I completely and totally fail at learning.
Right now, she's in bed, in the same clothes she's worn for the last 4 days. We've been having record heat, up in the 90's. Need I go into details?
I've had a pulled muscle in my right shoulder for 2+ weeks. Dave thinks it's from farm work. Little does he know farm work is what's keeping me sane. That and the breakneck pace I'm going at to get ready for our trips this summer.
The carrot in front of me is this: Dave's sister is taking their monther in November and sooner if these trips don't release some stress for me. I'm sorry Dave's sisters' husband died but her brother's wife is going to die if she doesn't get some relief. How's that for talking in third person?
Since I'm bitching and moaning, you know what really hurts me? She pays people to come in and do for her what she expects me to do for free. Would I take her money? Why, yes, I would. Does that make me a bad person? Don't know, don't care. It does hurt to do all of her laundry, cut her fingernails, do her banking, dress her, make sure she has gifts for her family, etc., etc., etc.; it hurts to see her thank other people for doing exactly what I do and then she writes them a check.
I'm throwing up my hands and crying. What I feel like doing is throwing in the towel.
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#11665 - 07/12/04 12:05 AM
Re: boundaries
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Da Queen
Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
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Thist...can I ever relate to parts of your story/plight. My Daddy, as you know, had a dementia and I stayed with him at night, would get up the next morning, drive 60 miles one way to work, work all day, drive the 60 miles back, then chase him all over the house all night, walk the floors with him, take him to the bathroom, clean him, wipe him, etc..etc..etc...I've changed sheets a kazillion times in the middle of the night because he wet the bed or something similar. I did this for about 2 or 3 months. It wore me to a frazzle. I fell asleep at work, etc. Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at the same time, and then Daddy with prostrate cancer. It just all came at us. I wanted to check out, let me tell ya. BUT...I did learn this much. Going along with whatever they say seems to somehow endear you to a AZ patient. They THEN begin taking your little tips for things like, "gee Daddy, it sure would be a shame to mess up that pretty shirt you have on, why don't we put this bib over it?" Some things like that. I feel for you, but you have to get relief! You have to! Mine came in the form of sisters. Bless their hearts. We all did what we could. Know I'm thinking of ya...if you ever need to email me privately, I'm here for ya!
JJ
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#11667 - 07/12/04 02:02 AM
Re: boundaries
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Member
Registered: 02/19/03
Posts: 765
Loc: Oregon
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One of the names of a respite care is Faith in Action. They are all over the US. Check with the hosptal closest to you. I know you don't live close to one. Some Churches help out with this too. You could check this out too. They usually have a nurse in the church who knows about the program. I agree with JJ & Smile you really need this NOW.!!!!! Take it from those of us who know. The assissted living facilities most are great and will help you with this.
Maggie
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#11668 - 07/12/04 11:27 AM
Re: boundaries
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Member
Registered: 12/11/03
Posts: 504
Loc: Pennsylvania
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When this situation arises, I set boundaries according to the needs requested and the time and energy I have available.
I find that if I first make time for myself--rest and solace from God, then I'm better prepared to meet the needs of the day--especially when confronted with the immediate needs of others.
I also tell the person or persons who needs help what I can do for them. I also relate to them what I cannot do and give them references for the help they require.
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#11671 - 12/17/04 11:23 PM
Re: boundaries
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Member
Registered: 11/27/04
Posts: 37
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quote:
Originally posted by Thistle Cove Farm:
I have absolutely NO clue but I'd like to know.
As I've said before, my 91 year old mother in law lives with us and it's difficult. Very, very difficult. Not for her especially, but for Dave and I. She'll do these TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS things and 30 seconds later forget and then wonder why we're upset with her.
How do you get someone to use enough toilet paper? (no, it's NOT enough that you take one square, rip it in half and then use half and save half)
How do you get someone to wash their hands? (you just wiped yourself and you HAVE to wash your hands!)
How do you get someone to bath...even twice a week?
How do you get someone to change their clothes even 2 or 3 times a week?
How do you get someone to stop, cease and quit hanging their underwear all over their bed posts, chair arms, etc.? (They were wet and needed to dry...the reason they were wet is because you peed yourself because you didn't feel like getting out of bed or the chair and get to the bathroom...)
How do you get someone to stop telling OUTRAGEOUS lies? (this woman will just make up stuff about people..."I heard she got a better job than her husband and now they are having problems" this said about someone she doesn't even know!)
I'm going crazy; wanna come along? I gotta warn you though...it's a short trip.
I hear you girl! I went through some pretty outrageous stuff with my grandmother. The last year or so, she wore the same stained clothes for days even sleeping in them and she'd sleep with the lights on and then she couldn't sleep and in the middle of the day she'd be sitting in her chair in her nightgown or slept-in-clothes sleeping with the TV on. She wouldn't bathe or wear ANY shoes except these chewed-up dress black shoes and mismatched sandals.
She got possessive of me especially hating it when I went anywhere at night and doubly so with my mother. I had to LIE about where I was going and how long I'd be. She really didn't know the passage of time.
I set boundaries even though I felt guilty. It was either that or go insane.
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#11672 - 12/17/04 11:26 PM
Re: boundaries
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Member
Registered: 11/27/04
Posts: 37
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quote:
Originally posted by Thistle Cove Farm:
Thanks Maggie, but I'm not sure I'm doing a great job. Some days I scream at her. Other days I ignore her. Most days I'm very pleasant to her. Each day is a new day for me to learn lessons I completely and totally fail at learning.
Right now, she's in bed, in the same clothes she's worn for the last 4 days. We've been having record heat, up in the 90's. Need I go into details?
Not to me! See my above post. I hear you. I'm sorry that she fails to appreciate you. That's even worse than totally clinging and saying "you're all I have in the world." Or alternating between the two. and whatever is wrong with her daughter? Is the mom just an unpleasant woman to begin with?
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#11674 - 12/19/04 03:31 AM
Re: boundaries
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Queen of Shoes
Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
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Maybe you could have your husband take "verbal control." Have him tell his mother, go take a bath. Maybe she'd listen to him more than you? I don't know how you're doing this. I'd be a screaming idiot! I just don't have the personality for it. If she forgets things, maybe you don't have to do her gift shopping for her. Maybe she'd forget that you didn't do it. Or, the people she buys gifts for need to be told, no more. Buy yourself something because I just can't do it anymore. I am REALLY sorry that you are going through this. Speaking of parents, my dad is home from the hospital and his quadruuple bypass. Up and moving around but seems so confused about his stay in the hospital. Said it seemed like a long dream. Maybe that's for the best. But, he was irritated with my mother. I quickly changed the subject! ![[Big Grin]](images/icons/grin.gif) Don't take me there...please!!!!
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#11675 - 12/20/04 06:53 PM
Re: boundaries
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Member
Registered: 11/27/04
Posts: 37
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quote:
Originally posted by Dotsie:
Kristin, isn't this one of the topics you're considering for your next book?
Absolutely! Or screenplay or whatever...I think screenplay because it's harder and harder to get books published.
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