Keep the strength newleaf. Only one more day until you file.

He is going to be so surprised! I finally realized that's the only way he's ever going to believe me and leave me alone.

New Leaf.
Why dont you trust women?

Mountain ash

Thinking of you today.

New leaf,

Like Mounatin ash, I was also wondering why you don't trust women?? None at all!?

Wondering how New Leaf is doing.

Well, I did it and I wish I could say it felt good but it didn't. I know its the best thing for me and my family and even for him, but I'm not happy about it right now.

My not trusting women started with my parents. My mom and dad always treated me like I was strange or unusual. They loved me but one thing I remember is them saying when I was very young that my eyes glowed in the dark and they made a big deal out of it. Then in the first grade my teacher embarrassed me at every turn...I even wet my pants and she shamed me in front of my whole class because she wouldn't let me go to the bathroom!
My 7th grade teacher called me names in front of the whole class because I accidentally broke a china statue she had on her desk and sent me to the principal's office where I was told I was a scapegoat because I was too nice. I just had a terrible time fitting into any group so some friends and I formed out own group during high school. In spite of the competition and horrible postulating that goes on between high school girls, I still made drill team and yearbook staff..I found my niche as a writer.

My first husband left me for my best friend, my second husband cheated on me all the time and even thought he had aids for a while, my third husband always wanted me to look different and now my fourth husband is a total ahole, and my mom accused my dad of having an affair with me and my sister. He never even touched us and mom wouldn't let us sit on our dad's lap when we were little so Rebecca and I weren't allowed to be close to our dad.

My sister whom I gave a home and a room and fixed it up for her and even got her a puppy won't even speak to me and hasn't contacted me for 3 yrs. even though I've tried and tried to reach out to her.

None of the "normal" women I work with or come into contact with want to be friends with me. I'm an egghead or a dreamer or loaner. I'm also funny and loving and caring but that doesn't seem to override the keep away from me attitude I seem to emit.

I'm not into women's groups or motivational speakers because I don't consider them any more special or knowledgable than me. I've no respect for diplomas or credentials or doctorates because I've met a lot of educated ignorants.

Women in my life have proven to be back stabbing, two faced, husband and boyfriend stealers with no respect for a wedding ring. If they for some reason don't like you you might as well go somewhere and hide out or move to another town or state because they will leave no stone unturned to get even with you or hurt you.

And God forbid they are on their period or going through menopause. I had a woman who I taught school with try to run over me with her car and she had her three daughters inside!!

I've been talked about, scorned, ridiculed, hated and misunderstood most of my life. It was the mean girls at my youngest daughter's school who shoved her, told her everyone hated her, spit on her and told her she was ugly (even though she was absolutely beautiful!) and shortly thereafter she went into a deep depression and started using drugs.

When I have had female friends they have been outsiders just like me and they have been rare and few.

I haven't lived a frivoulous life. Its been hard and continues to be hard. I appreciate the unemotional support and warm strong arm of affection I get from my male friends and their offers to help with repairs and yard work. It's like men "get" it. There's no competition.

I don't hate women, I just haven't found that I could trust them. Its like you never really know for sure when one of them is going to turn on you and rip you to shreds or worse yet ignore you and act like you don't even exist.

Men are approachable and predictable, they are pretty dumb about a lot of things and don't like to delve into the emotional realm and dig out and mull over "issues".

People seem to like me a lot, but I pretty much sit by myself and spend a lot of time by myself..as much as I can, and enjoy my family. When I have a boyfriend and am in a romantic relationship its wonderful and refreshing. But I won't be ready for that for a long time.

I'm new here so I don't know any more of your story accept what I am reading here. It's enough though for me to say leave him be! He is not alone, he treats you badly, and you don't need this yo-yo reality any longer!
I'd kick him to the curb!
Just my opinion, I hope it's okay to say that?
dancer

PS. You have all been much nicer to me than anyone has and I appreciate it. Thank you.

NewLeaf, I can't see you, so it's harder to place your comments in context. But here I am, on the left (or on bike): http://www3.telus.net/public/hjbecker/JeansVisions/image020.htm

I don't agree with you at all that men overall are less emotional / forgive forget sorta stuff. Many just show it until they are provoked. But they will joke-insult others more and MIGHT be easier for them to take every insult personally.

You must join myself and my sisters --they keep me humble. We criticize/semi-insult and love each other. The one on the right ...is the baby in the family. She is your ignorant degreed woman....a doctor...but she does has street smarts because she was raised by:

a father who rarely hugged us (because in amongst older traditional generation Chinese, they don't hug/kiss much openly), but instead showed his dedication to support his family. A soft-spoken, but tough love guy.

a mother who swore/cursed like a fishwoman....all in Chinese. My mother is controlling, often bad-tempered and aggressive. But at least her love, like my father's is faithful and consistent to us and to him and vice versa. I knew the true nature of my mother when I saw her with her sisters. Watch the jousting and love there with her amongst sisters. You have to look through it all ...to find the good stuff there.

And now you know, why I asked if you had a sister....our friendships begin in life, sometimes, with our siblings. They can set some patterns, personality traits (due to maybe birth order), etc.

May your daughters trust and have long-time female friends. If they don't, they are missing 1/2 of the human race.

AFter all that with your latest ex, need to chill out for awhile, enjoy your family.