Hannelore, glad the jewelry arrived safe and sound!

And I'm especially glad that your husband will go in for therapy. El Hub never thought there was a problem until it was too late, and then it was ...too late. Maybe yours will work out a little better.

Best of luck. You're in our hearts.

Yes, I hope that the therapy makes a difference. Although going to therapy doesn't mean he will be IN therapy. Only time will tell. But, yes, you have to feel that you have done everything you can. Only then can you leave with a clear conscience.

We're there for you!

Hannelore, as long as he works VERY hard to fix
everything, you will have many more years of happiness
together.
I have a friend whose husband dropped a bombshell on
her after 35 years of marriage. It seemed impossible,
but both agreed to go to counseling, therapy and what
not and their marriage has never been better : )

I know the same can happen for the two of you.

Above all, pray like you've never prayed before!

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Cindy

Ha! Chatty.."men are naughty little boys with long pants"….so true, and they seldom think of the consequences.

I'm wondering if I suggested the right thing. I told my husband that he should go to the therapist (who is also a marriage counselor) alone. I'll be going later with him in any case, just not sure in what sequence this is right. Anyone have experience with this?

Five large pine trees were cut down in our back yard yesterday. Our garden is so much sunnier now. Maybe it is symbolic of what is to come? While I was gone Hubby called our oldest son and told him what is going on. I'm so touched how my boys are reacting to all of this. It must have been a shock for them, for they had absolutely no idea. They are planning to take their father out for a "man's day this weekend and hear him out. I told them I don't want them taking sides, (although I got to admit, it is comforting to know they are supporting me.)

They used a huge fire-engine ladder truck to get up to the top of the trees to cut them down. After the trees were all cut, one of the guys asked me if I would like a ride in the ladder cage. Well, you know my friends, I could never say no to an offer like that. Within a few minutes we were up at the highest peak, (30 meters, that's about 91 feet). I looked down at our house, which looked as tiny as a dollhouse, and I thought, gee, all problems should be looked at from this perspective.

I saw our home, and our blooming garden, which we both worked on with love. I saw neighbors come out and wave at me, dogs were barking, sun was shining…it all looked like a page out of a children's book. As the ladder lowered down, my husband took my hand and helped out of the steel basket. It was an eye opener in more ways than one.

woooohooooo i have gone up in the cage tooo with knews knocking lol but hay that whats life is for, calm then little burst of adreneline producing exitment i am soooo proud of you for having the senvces of adventure...

now serious things a hand out the cage, glade he's treating you with respect.

marrige counsellers how it works heer they see you both for a few sessions get a bit of relashionhis going with both of you then singluarie for one or two to get the perspective from each of you's (and what you wont say in front of partner) then both together for the rest of the sessions. Its so counseller has relashionship with BOTH OF YOU and trust from BOTH..Could you stick with convention and both go together and he can or you can both have a seperat counseller for individuel problems?

heer they will do couples counselling like above ......then single counselling at diffrent time but not at same time (generallie) to avoid conflict between what the diffrent counselers are guiding the person towards (whatever goal). Or direct hubbie towards a diffrent counseller from which you will engage in couples counselling with....

Mostlie the counselling dynamic is based of the type and qualitie of the relashionship ones has with their counseller, you not gonna tell much too someone you mistrust or dont like or feel judged by...a lot get shown up via the relashionship "type" one has with the counseller ie rebellion to (perceved authoritie figures, or compliances with lol)

if your wonderring if its the right thing, aske yourself what conserness you?
Is it worrie that hubbie will have strong bond between counseller that you will be intruding on? (not saying you will be but wonderring if thats what ya feel)
Will conseller take his side as he has his side of the situasion first and for longer?.
why not both go on the first session (informe counseller) then discuss the pros and cons with him/her for both couples and singles counselling, let him/her know what your intensions are, let him/her tell you what their boundries and capabi;lities are.....thats what your paying her/him for lol work the bissium lol.....

thats how its generallie done over heer but your countrie may be diffrent and the counsellers prefrinces may come into play.....

thats a good question and i am wonderring what the cultural diffrences are about this?

Hannelore..
seeing your world from the ladder IS symbolic.
In counselling training we were taught to "think Martian" as a way of remaining unbiased.
years ago an eight year old in my class was run over and died.
That evening after a sad funeral my husband took me to walk up our local hill.1454 feet high.As I looked from all sides I saw the school... the cemetary... my home village his home. It was a moment I remember.
You seem to have had this too.
Now when I have bad days I use that walk to try to put a perception on things.
You are doing well........the family helping will do more than any counsellor.
Have you photos/videos of happier times...a trip to happy places to revisit? do all you can before making a decision.Even another trip away on your own where he goes through the missing you stage.
Thinking of you and sending blessings from Scotland.
Muntain ash

Hannelore,
Glad he's decided to take your advice and go to counceling. That's the first step.

I'll be praying for you. I know everything will work out.

Laurel

Counselling never worked for us. Actually one counsellor told us to separate. My ex always found something wrong with the counsellor or he would act like everything was perfect so that didn't help at all.

For me, counselling is just one step before divorce. When it gets to the point where counselling is necessary, in my opinion it's already too late. The damage has already been done and it's far to hard to go back and fix it. I know that people do but for me it didn't work.

Your husband had a wake up call and will treat you better for a while, but then he will fall into old patterns again. He wants to change to keep you around and that is not the right reason so he won't be able to keep it up for long. He may even resent having to behave this way as it's work. If change is needed, he would have to be the one to want to change for his own reasons, not for you, or to keep you happy. Again, just my opinion from my experience.

It does take two though and although I left my ex because I was unhappy, I had a part in the breakdown of our marriage and realized that many years later when I was in therapy. The marriage wouldn't have lasted anyway because he was a cheater and an alcoholic and needed to change for his own sake not mine. I also had my issues and we were just not compatible. We get along ok now for the kids sake.

Only time will tell. I'm a big advocate for staying together if it works. I don't like to see marriages break up especially for the children's sake, whether they are grown up or not. But there comes a time when you have to be honest about what you want and not put your needs on the back burner all the time.

If your husband is serious about changing that's great, but it won't be easy for him. I hope things work out. They always work out in some way but not always in the way we hope or expect they will.
Kate

Kate, you are probably right. Dee has told me just about the same thing.

The problem is,…and the funny thing is…it's not really a problem, but in a way it is; he isn't a complete jerk…that sure would make it easier. He is a wonderful man in many ways. So I have decided to pull this counselling thing through. If, however, he doesn't change, and he still makes me so unhappy then, … I will have to change my location.

You say there are two sides to the coin. Oh, I am sure there are,… and I am far from perfect as well,…but still, I have never hurt his feelings so bad that he gets depressed on a regular basis. That just doesn't go with loving someone. As Dee said, he has a control issue, and I'm just not letting that happen anymore.

Celtic, I think I'll change the counselling appointment so that we go together first. Thanks for your advice.
Mountain Ash, Diamond, and Laurel, and everyone else, I am so grateful for your prayers. And you know what, I think someone is listening to me up there too.

I'm doing okay, thanks to you all.
Hannelore

Glad to hear that you are okay and you are workiing things out, YOUR way.
That ladder sounds like it was fun! I've never been.