I've been writing about my mom being in a nursing home and trying to do the right thing as far as caring for her physically and emotionally, but I've got a couple other parents I'm also worried about losing.

I'm adopted and my birth parents, 2 sisters and a brother live in Arizona. Another sister and brother live in California. I met them all about 5 years ago. My birth father, 1 brother, and 1 sister visited me this summer and afterward, I felt like we knew each other a lot better and we were getting more comfortable around each other (it's been difficult because of the travel distance).

My birth father has prostate cancer and he's doing okay but I feel a real time crunch as far as getting to know him as best I can. My birth mother, well, she's kind of unstable and prone to angry outbursts but I'd like to see her too. So I'm planning on going to Arizona around the end of January. I hate to leave my mom here, but I haven't taken a vacation in a year and a half.

Is there anyone else out there that's adopted and found their birth family and wrestled with the feelings of being disloyal to the parents that raised you, but really wanting to know your birth parents too?

My birth father is more open to talking about the past and how he feels about the whole thing and listening to what I have to say. My birth mom, I don't know if it's the guilt she seems to feel or that she has a psychological problem, but she's like being around a very immature child, prone to tantrums, tears, and just general meanness. In a way, that lessens any feelings of insecurity my adoptive mother might have because all my birth siblings want to trade with me. My mom met my 3 sisters and they treated her like a queen.

It's complicated, and wonderful, in a twisted, tornado kind of way.

whoa Mary...that's a handful girl! You did a great job of painting the picture of the situation though.

While my Dad was adopted, we didn't find his birth DAD until after his birth MOM had passed away. See his Birth Mom went back to the orphanage where she left him and adopted him BACK, but raised him as her brother until he went into the Navy and needed a valid birth certificate, then she had to tell all. All except who his Daddy was.

It is a long, complicated story and I won't go into details, but I don't think Daddy ever had to wrestle with the feelings of being disloyal because she wouldn't tell him who his Daddy was, not until she was dying, and then she only gave a name.

It took me two years to find his birth Daddy, but I did. And when I did, I learned he had died the year before.

So....not the same kind of story, and not the same kind of feelings, but I DO know that Daddy always felt something was missing.

My heart is with you Mary...bless you.

Mary, jsut off the top of my head...I have two adolpted children from Korea who are now 16 and 18. I also have a birth child who is 15.

Here are my thoughts in a nutshell. I say do what you need to do to learn as much as you can about your birthparents. You dont want to be sorry when they are gone that you didn't learn/get to know them better. I've done lots of reading through the years and have really come to understand how some adopted children need to search. Everyone's different with their needs of feeling connected.

As far as feeling disloyal to your mom...I say be very honest with her. Tell her exactly how you're feeling about the whole ordeal. If your sisters treated her like a queen and would like to trade, sounds like she's cool with the idea or else she could have chosen not to meet them.

As an adoptive parent I appreciate your honesty in your post.

I think having birth and adopted children may also help me understand the longing to meet birth parents.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Dotsie, how do your children from Korea feel? I have a writer friend, Jane, who was adopted from Korea. We met when we both won a creative non-fiction award. Jane went on to have her memoir "The Language of Blood" published. She's got some anger issues over her adoption and about the whole Korean adoption practice. I think adoption from another country is different now. There's more resources available to help adopted children stay in touch with their culture, sometimes even with their birth family.

I myself was quoted in Jane's book as saying, "Your parents will always hate you on some level because you are not who you are supposed to be." What I actually said is what Jane mentions later, that I felt like a replacement child and a disappointing one at that because I am not very much like my adoptive parents. Now, I realize that all the sadness and anger going on in our house was not about me.

What meeting my birth family gave me was an answer to all those questions rolling around in my head all those years, like why am I so weird compared to everyone else? I stopped feeling like a freak after hearing my laugh, my exagerated arm waving manner of story telling, seeing my facial expressions, and hearing that my whole family loves animals and most of us own horses. Plus, the biggest help was learning that we are all prone to depression (and a little screwed up) so I can stop feeling so guilty about not being able to always be a ray of sunshine.

Agate, this post has been staring me in the face for days now so I'm going to answer.

I dont' know if I should, but I feel sorry that my kids don't know their birth parents. I believe they could put together some missing pieces for them.

I've read lots written by adopted children and I totally understand the feeling for a need to search and connect.

Two of our kids are adopted and one may like to search. I will do what I can to help. The other has NO interest, at least at this time.

We have friends who also have a biological and adopted child from Korea. We talk about traveling to the country together. My son has no desire, actually said, "Why would we go there?", but my daughter again, has interest.

All kids are different. When I would share this with my mom who had five, sorta with the idea that our three all have different birth parents, she reminded me about the differences in my brother and sisters and we had the same birth parents.

I remain torn about genetics and environment. I look at my kids and can't put a finger on much. In fact my adopted son has the very same allergies as my husband, and my daughter was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, my husband has Type I. Go figure.

Our birth child has no allergies or Diabetes.

I truly appreciate your honesty on the subject.

Your comment about feeling like a replacement child doesn't ring true for me at all. When we adopted our children we had never experienced a loving extension of our family before, so what would we have been replacing? I know that sounds odd, but it's the truth for me.

Where was you friend raised? I think that makes a difference. It's been easier to raise our children in Baltimore because they are not the only Asian children, nor are they the only adopted, Asian children.

Another friend whose adopted Korean son is older was raised during his early years in a small town in New York. When he was about 4 years old he saw Asian people on television and said, "Look Daddy, more Gary's." (not his real name).

I'd love to read your friend's book. How can I get it?

Sorry to bounce around. I have lots of thoughts on this and welcome more posts.

Anyone else have anything to say? Join in. I know there are others with adopted children in here.

One more quick thing. I think there are people who are raised by their birth parents who have felt the way you felt in your family with adopted parents. Thougths on that?

I just returned from visiting my birth family for a week, which is why you haven't heard from me. Everytime my family and I get together, it gets a little easier, a little more natural and comfortable. We all open up a little more and learn more about each other. My siblings and I catch up on all the stuff we missed out on like teasing each other and fighting in the back seat of the car and yelling, "Dad, she hit me!" It sounds silly, but it's healing for all of us.

We've generally stayed away from talking about the adoption itself, what was going on when they gave me up, how did they feel, how do I feel about it, etc. Just before I headed for the airport, my sister and my birth father were sitting around talking about just that sort of thing, and we realized that my father had one of my brothers births (he was also given up for adoption) mixed up with mine (as I'm older than my brother, I only look much younger ). (My birth parents had a boy and girl they gave up for adoption and a boy and girl that they kept. Are you, like, totally confused? I know I was for awhile.)

Anyway, that led into the whole discussion of when I did a search 26 years ago and my birth mother wouldn't communicate with me and how that felt like rejection all over again. When my birth mother did tell my siblings she had given up a child, she told them about my brother, not me. They didn't hear about me until a couple years later. My sister asked if I resented that. I hadn't really realized it until then, but yeah, a little, not to the point that I feel angry or want to punish anyone. It's more like a hurt feeling. But most of the time, I just enjoy what we have now.

As for your son and daughter, it seems like more girls than boys want to find their birth parents. I think it's one of those gender differences. My brother had no interest in finding our parents. They found him, and for awhile, the whole thing freaked him out and he didn't want anything to do with any of them. My brother in my adopted family also didn't want to find his birth parents. Unfortunately, he had a lot of anger issues over being born at all and died from alcoholism at age 39.

As for my Korean friend, she was raised in a very small town where her sister and she were the only Koreans she ever saw. Her book is called "The Language of Blood" by Jane Jeong Trenka and can be bought at Barnes and Noble or online at Amazon.com

Anyway, I had a nice week with my family and came back dreaming of buying a trailer home or casita in Arizona to live in during the winter . We're expecting a big winter storm Sunday night here in Minnesota. Brrrr!

My son was born in Baltimore to Korean birthparents. He knows he is adopted and sometimes he would rather have the biological connection to me. But we move on each day providing more information or reinforcing how our family came together.

I never had the opportunity to meet his birthparents. I wanted to but they were very distraught over not being able to raise their son and jsut wanted or needed to walk away. I understand that but would have liked to met them.

When the time comes, I will help my sone find his birthparents if he chooses. Parts of me hope he does and parts hope he doesn't. This is a very important subject to our family and I really need to hear from adult apotees or birthparents.

Culture is another difficult issue. I teach my son he is American. Which he is but I also try to relate some of his heritage into normal life. The same as my family did since we are Irish/German.

I know many families who organize and I think go overboard on the whole heritage thing. Everytime I turn around their is another Korean cultural event to attend. My son would rather go to the train museum and he doesn't care the race of the kids that go with him. As parents there is a fine line there that we need to fulfill our kids needs but also need to know when to back off.

I, too, would love to hear more views on adoption. I hope one day to visit Korea with my son even though he was not born there just to see what it looks like. We went to the Grand Canyon so why not? It's all about learning. What do you think?

I would wait for your son to show interest before going to Korea. I think different adoptees have different needs. What's good for one may be very upsetting for another. As long as your son knows you are open if he's curious about his past or his culture, I think you can follow his cues.

My friend felt like an outsider in America and really felt like an outsider when she visited Korea because of the language barrier. It was painful having people assume she was "Korean" and then not being able to communicate.

Some people struggle more than others with having a sense of identity, whether they are adopted or not. I'm no expert but I think the reason for this comes from whether a person's parents accept them for who they are and encourage them in their interests. My Korean friend and I didn't have that. So my self acceptance and feelings of peace came when I found my birth family and found how similar our interests and personalities are. Although I may not be "normal" in the overall world, I am very normal within my family.

Mary,

Your thoughts are good and well taken. I am the one who wants to see Korea. Well, I want to see everything.

I strive daily to give Nathan a sense of who he is and yes, I do take my cues from him all the time. Adoptive parents especailly, bi-racial ones, are always searching for information to better help their kids relate to who they are and all the baggage that may come along with adoption.

No parent wants their child to feel "abandoned" or "give Up". I hate that term. So, talking with adult adoptees helps tremendously. All info may not apply but all info is on the path to learning.

Thanks for your help.

Lynn

I just wanted to say I've enjoyed reading all these thoughts on adoption. I, too, am an adoptive parent. My husband and I have three sons and then we adopted our daughter, now nearing age seven. She's got a lot of issues cause although we received her at two and a-half, the courts returned her to her birthparents for 9 months after we'd already parented her for a year.

It was very traumatic both for her and us. It was a major screw up on the part of the children and youth agency. But anyway, they wound up giving her back to us once the "established" more evidence against the birthfamily. Well, I won't get into all that. The family had four daughters and lost them all to involuntary adoption because the parents are loaded down with their own issues.

Anyway, it is interesting to read what other adoptees have to say. I agree the experinece of adoption and the attitudes acquired are going to be personal and quite tailored to how the issues were handled in the adoptive family. We try to remain open and though she doesn't yet understand what it means exactly, she knows she is adopted. We read books about adoption and discuss it when she brings it up.

One thing remains factual: adoptees aren't alone. There are hundreds of thousands if not millions of adopted people. It is, perhaps, a culture all it's own. I also agree parents are wise to take their cues from the children because, indeed, not everyone is going to want to trace their roots nor -- if they do -- do it in a way that brings them into direct contact with people.

I've kept touch with our daughter's birth mother. We correspond. Communication is only beginning and there is bitterness on both sides, so it will be a long route, but nevertheless likely a healing one. Both she and I feel the system failed us and the daughter we now have in common.

We allow gifts to be sent and have established a "secret pal" identity for the time being so our daughter knows someone beyond our home loves her and sends gifts and thinks of her. Her birthmom thinks this is acceptable. In exchange I send pictures and updates about her life. Some day -- probably a long while from now -- when the time seems right -- we will reveal who the "secret pal" is, if she doesn't figure it out for herself before then. Well, it seems to work for us.

We aren't interested in visitation because of all the issues and we've been honest with the birthparents about all that. The other three sisters are still in foster care and may be adopted all into one family. I've said I may consider contact with the sisters before anything else but that I won't even consider it till thier adoption is final and there is no agency in the scene. If the adoptive parents want it and I want it, and the girls all want it -- that is what should matter. We'll see.

Soon we'll have internationally adopted children, too, since we are in the process of getting two girls from Eastern Europe -- ages 8 & 11 -- who are not, themselves, biologically related. I had to laugh at the comment about different birthparents! Between my eight children there will be a total of five birthmothers and four birthfathers (my husband was married once before and we have 2 kids to that marriage as well as three to our own).

Why, I guess it can get pretty complex. But then, what is a family made of? Not blood. That is only one glue that might link people. There are more (and often more meaningful) ways to be linked to other beings in this life.

Something else someone mentioned brought this thought to mind -- when I was a kid I grew up WISHING that I was adopted! Yes, I didn't feel I fit in with my eight bio brothers and sisters nor with my folks. I thought if it could only turn out that I was adopted, then I could feel so much better! Ha! Of course, I used to ask myself how logical could it be that after eight biological kids my folks would go out and adopt ANOTHER! But now here I am, mother to six and seeking two more, so I guess it happens.

I have a sister who used to wish she would discover aliens had visted the planet and left her behind! HA HA HA! Seriously -- she'd pack a bag and go stand out in a field and wait for the mothership. So kids are certainly funy and one doesn't have to be adopted to feel displaced. The psyche can find other ways to achieve that.

I would think that with all the feeling of abandonment an adoptee might endure, they might also mature to the point that they can look at the situation of having been adopted in an entirely diff. light. After all, not only did one parent or set of parents love you, but TWO...those that gave birth to you and those that took you as their own; for to give up a child for adoption is often a loving act, although as a society we don't tend to think of it that way. There are many reasons why people wind up adopted. Perhaps the most important issue is that there continue to be people out there who want to adopt them.

Any alternative to this is usually not very pretty.

Gee, I admire you adoptive parents. You are meeting such a great need. Not just a for physical necessities, but for love. Dotsie, the boy in the orphanage is an example of the need you are meeting in your children. Maybe God put him in your life to show you what a blessing you are to your own adopted children.

I married in my teens and had babies young so I kind of grew up with them. When they left home for college, there was a hole in my life and I considered adopting, but at the time my business was way out growing me so I never followed through. Maybe I missed a blessing.

Fortunately both my daughters and my husband's kids also began families young so we both just pour a lot of love on our grandkids and volunteer here and there.

I admire your giving nature. I'm sure you are blessed by the blessings you are. Funny how things seem to work that way.

smile

We live in the same metro area as our kids and grandkids except for my oldest daughter who lives about six hours away by car or three by plane (plane change involved). She's not physically as close, but we talk on the phone a lot.

All the kids have spouses too so there's a lot of chaos around here sometimes.

My daughter here in town is having a baby girl this summer. Can't wait for that.

Thanks for asking.

smile

[ February 02, 2004, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

FOr those of you who may be interested, Agate's friend who wrote the book about adoption has a web site for her book.

Check it out. It looks like a great read for those of us with adopted children.

http://www.languageofblood.com/

Geez, another book to read.