I just wanted to say I've enjoyed reading all these thoughts on adoption. I, too, am an adoptive parent. My husband and I have three sons and then we adopted our daughter, now nearing age seven. She's got a lot of issues cause although we received her at two and a-half, the courts returned her to her birthparents for 9 months after we'd already parented her for a year.

It was very traumatic both for her and us. It was a major screw up on the part of the children and youth agency. But anyway, they wound up giving her back to us once the "established" more evidence against the birthfamily. Well, I won't get into all that. The family had four daughters and lost them all to involuntary adoption because the parents are loaded down with their own issues.

Anyway, it is interesting to read what other adoptees have to say. I agree the experinece of adoption and the attitudes acquired are going to be personal and quite tailored to how the issues were handled in the adoptive family. We try to remain open and though she doesn't yet understand what it means exactly, she knows she is adopted. We read books about adoption and discuss it when she brings it up.

One thing remains factual: adoptees aren't alone. There are hundreds of thousands if not millions of adopted people. It is, perhaps, a culture all it's own. I also agree parents are wise to take their cues from the children because, indeed, not everyone is going to want to trace their roots nor -- if they do -- do it in a way that brings them into direct contact with people.

I've kept touch with our daughter's birth mother. We correspond. Communication is only beginning and there is bitterness on both sides, so it will be a long route, but nevertheless likely a healing one. Both she and I feel the system failed us and the daughter we now have in common.

We allow gifts to be sent and have established a "secret pal" identity for the time being so our daughter knows someone beyond our home loves her and sends gifts and thinks of her. Her birthmom thinks this is acceptable. In exchange I send pictures and updates about her life. Some day -- probably a long while from now -- when the time seems right -- we will reveal who the "secret pal" is, if she doesn't figure it out for herself before then. Well, it seems to work for us.

We aren't interested in visitation because of all the issues and we've been honest with the birthparents about all that. The other three sisters are still in foster care and may be adopted all into one family. I've said I may consider contact with the sisters before anything else but that I won't even consider it till thier adoption is final and there is no agency in the scene. If the adoptive parents want it and I want it, and the girls all want it -- that is what should matter. We'll see.

Soon we'll have internationally adopted children, too, since we are in the process of getting two girls from Eastern Europe -- ages 8 & 11 -- who are not, themselves, biologically related. I had to laugh at the comment about different birthparents! Between my eight children there will be a total of five birthmothers and four birthfathers (my husband was married once before and we have 2 kids to that marriage as well as three to our own).

Why, I guess it can get pretty complex. But then, what is a family made of? Not blood. That is only one glue that might link people. There are more (and often more meaningful) ways to be linked to other beings in this life.

Something else someone mentioned brought this thought to mind -- when I was a kid I grew up WISHING that I was adopted! Yes, I didn't feel I fit in with my eight bio brothers and sisters nor with my folks. I thought if it could only turn out that I was adopted, then I could feel so much better! Ha! Of course, I used to ask myself how logical could it be that after eight biological kids my folks would go out and adopt ANOTHER! But now here I am, mother to six and seeking two more, so I guess it happens.

I have a sister who used to wish she would discover aliens had visted the planet and left her behind! HA HA HA! Seriously -- she'd pack a bag and go stand out in a field and wait for the mothership. So kids are certainly funy and one doesn't have to be adopted to feel displaced. The psyche can find other ways to achieve that.

I would think that with all the feeling of abandonment an adoptee might endure, they might also mature to the point that they can look at the situation of having been adopted in an entirely diff. light. After all, not only did one parent or set of parents love you, but TWO...those that gave birth to you and those that took you as their own; for to give up a child for adoption is often a loving act, although as a society we don't tend to think of it that way. There are many reasons why people wind up adopted. Perhaps the most important issue is that there continue to be people out there who want to adopt them.

Any alternative to this is usually not very pretty.

Gee, I admire you adoptive parents. You are meeting such a great need. Not just a for physical necessities, but for love. Dotsie, the boy in the orphanage is an example of the need you are meeting in your children. Maybe God put him in your life to show you what a blessing you are to your own adopted children.

I married in my teens and had babies young so I kind of grew up with them. When they left home for college, there was a hole in my life and I considered adopting, but at the time my business was way out growing me so I never followed through. Maybe I missed a blessing.

Fortunately both my daughters and my husband's kids also began families young so we both just pour a lot of love on our grandkids and volunteer here and there.

I admire your giving nature. I'm sure you are blessed by the blessings you are. Funny how things seem to work that way.

smile

We live in the same metro area as our kids and grandkids except for my oldest daughter who lives about six hours away by car or three by plane (plane change involved). She's not physically as close, but we talk on the phone a lot.

All the kids have spouses too so there's a lot of chaos around here sometimes.

My daughter here in town is having a baby girl this summer. Can't wait for that.

Thanks for asking.

smile

[ February 02, 2004, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

FOr those of you who may be interested, Agate's friend who wrote the book about adoption has a web site for her book.

Check it out. It looks like a great read for those of us with adopted children.

http://www.languageofblood.com/

Geez, another book to read.