I could write a book about struggling with low (non-existent) self-esteem all my life. Wait, I think I did write a book...well, I could write a dozen more books and still not be done. Sigh. I call it "mangled thinking", and have managed to find various 'ladders' along the way to help me climb out of the hell-hole that my own mangled thinking keeps throwing me into. Like choosing (daily, if not moment by moment) to believe that I'm loved more than I could ever imagine and choosing to believe in the whole concept of "wounded healers" - because believing in that concept allows me to give meaning to everything that has happened in my life and turns regret into wisdom and perceived failure into triumphant power.

I would have to say that "regret" is probably the largest contributing factor to my low self-esteem, namely the inability to just let the past stay in the past and allow myself to move on with the wisdom learned from those mistakes. It takes more energy than I sometimes can muster to untangle my mangled thinking enough to change my focus from "regret" to living in my here-and-now with any semblance of confidence.

Being at BWS has been an extraordinarily life-changing experience - this place and the wisdom within these cyber-halls have been my most sturdy, powerful and healing "ladder" out of that mangled thinking - for the first time in my life, I actually feel like I'm winning...and the prize? ME!

(wow, do you have any idea how hard it was to write - and leave written - that "ME"??? See? Isn't that amazing?)

Great post Jane. I think at this time in our lives we have the luxury of being able to look back and evaluate where we have been, the struggles we have conquered, the mountains we have climbed, what we have achieved personally, and what we want to acheive with the rest of our lives. This little exercise on it's own can be a wonderful boost to our self esteem as we reflect on our acheivements over the years.

I believe our self esteem should be nutured daily as it can be so fragile at different times in our lives and can be so difficult to build up once someone, or events in our lives have cut it down.

It is interesting to see that there is a 'childhood' theme already starting to surface here in our responses. I too was effected by this time in my life. As a child I think we are particularly suseptable to comments and actions from adults, and they can impact greatly on us for many years, if not for the rest of our lives if we allow it.

If I could give one 'self esteem tip' that has had the greatest result in raising my self esteem - I would say 'choose very carefully who you hang out with'
Over the years I have hung out with the best, and not so best of society, and the best are streets ahead of the rest. The best people will nuture your self esteem by expressing their appreciation, by supporting your goals, by encouraging you, by giving you a pat on the back, by getting excited with you, by telling you that you've done a great job, etc ...... The others wont. It's easy to spot the difference and your self esteem will thank you for it.

Eagle...it is hard to write ME! and mean it...interesting that you should mention the wounded healers...I just made a committment yesterday to share both my missteps and my foot steps...as what I am giving to the world...the foot steps are easier to share...

Sharon...you are so right about the people we hang out with...that is one of the great things about hanging out here...we are supportive of each other...

Occasionally I have wondered what if I was raised in a predominantly Asian society/culture instead of non-Asian, would my own positive self-esteem have taken this long to develop?

I know for certain, to become who I am and raised in North America in areas where the Asian community was nearly non-existent, means a child/teenager spends (wastes?) alot of energy/anxiety trying to conform/live up to expectations of coolness and rejecting anything that speaks/looks embarrasingly immigrant (foreign accents, strange clothing, foods).

On the other hand, if I didn't allow myself to be beaten down too much, you start to realize that you did survive through strange, tough childhood/teenage years that others just never underwent. Then you know you have a certain inner strength that you wish the younger generation would have experienced...and get this type of tough love /character-building.

part of the self-esteem development problems got muddled up with expectations from parents, who with good intentions wanted highly educated children, earning good salaries, living a "safe" life. And I wanted it too but it does mean muffling/delaying a pile of other unknown/latent skills and life experiences.

All of this made me a shy nerdy gal. My voice didn't speak out in crowds, meetings until I was in my early 30's. Unbelievable. Now I enjoy instructing and presenting to groups. I no ...longer...care...what ..other people think.

What a great topic Jane. It's so rich with honesty.

I know some of you may think I'm a Jesus freak, but it works for me so I won't apologize.I draw my self-confidence from the Lord, and by being in the Word on almost a daily basis. When I read His words about all He wants for me and how good I am in His sight, I believe it and it gives me tremendous confidence.

However, I must share that there are a few days a month that I doubt, and that's when I'm running out of estrogen. Go figure.

So much of the self-esteem factor at midlife has to do with a couple things. One is that we have lived long enough not to care what others think, like orchid stated. That helps. We are shedding the words that have damaged us from our pasts and learning that life is all about change and change can be a good thing.

However ladies, please don't forget to take into account the estrogen issue and the perimenopause and menopause issues. These things can get us feeling down and there's help for that if needed.

I was speaking with a woman last week who has been feeling down for 5-6 years and never took into account that it could be hormonal. I couldn't believe my ears.

This is an issue I've dealt with since I was about 14. 53 now and still no self-esteem. Now in menopause and I do agree Dotsie, the hormones make it worse. They really can do a number on the thought processes. I wish I could tell myself..I'm pretty, smart, likeable, have a good soul and then the big test..is really BELIEVING it I hope you ladies can give me advice on once and for all learning to "not care what others think" This is a big issue for me and many women.

Blessings~Madalyn

Madalyn, too much self esteem isn't good either. There is a fine line between healthy self -esteem and conceit. Infact if you are a humble person, that is a beautiful quality within itself, and so very rare. But the irony is; the fact that you had the courage to admit your lack of self esteem, takes self esteem.

Okay, I can't resist...I found some good quotes that may help build up self-esteem. (Speaking of self esteem, I think I'm the quote queen here..heh heh)

* Attitude: "It's our attitude in life that determines life's attitude toward us."
--Earl Nightingale

* The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
-- Michel de Montaigne

'* The truth is that there is nothing noble in being superior to somebody else. The only real nobility is in being superior to your former self.
-- Whitney Young

* If you want to be respected, you must respect yourself.
-- Spanish Proverb


Hannelore

So many wonderful posts! Dotsie...seeing you live your faith is a gift for all of us...thank you...

Orchid...how wonderful that you found your voice...I think it's very difficult for children to grow up feeling different in any way...I hope this up and coming generation will be able to realize that our uniqueness is a gift...

Madalyn...I agree with HL...it takes courage and self-esteem to post our words here...you rock! One techinque that I know works is to write down your accomplishments every day...you can set a number...but at least 5 or 10...they don't have to be huge things...even posting on BWS is an accomplishment...then beside each accomplishment...acknowledge yourself by writing why it is important or why it makes you proud...this step really shows you your courage and strength...a third step is to look in the mirror and say..."Madalyn, I am proud of you for_____"

Try it and let me know what you think...

Hannelore~I'm very humble, my children tell me I am. That made me feel good when you said that it's a rare quality. My mom is just the opposite, she is rather narcisstic and brags alot. You'd never know she gave birth to me. Great quotes! Love Them... Thank You!

Jane~~ I think writing down our accomplishments is a great idea! Deep down I know I have them, I'll try to do 5 a day, like right now I'm making a big pot of soup..so theres 2 already, I'm humble and I can cook.

Thank You Girls~~Your very kind ((((Hugs)))

Dotsie, how do you explain low self-esteem hormones after menopause?