When we are in our early twenties, most of us haven't experienced life as a reality. What we picture as what we will want and need is usually based upon dreams -- not the reality of a "lived" life.

For some of us, reality comes in the form of unexpected challenges, like those that I experienced when my son was born. For others, the path remains smooth. But eventually, my friend, everyone encounters some kind of tradgedy such as the natural death of an older relative, the premature death of a parent or sibling, or some other type of trama.

Maybe, we don't encounter "loss" ourselves, but we're out in the world and we learn that these things happen. Maybe they've happened to a close friend, or a roommate, or a colleague at work.

And that's when and how we learn about "loss."

And all losses need to be grieved. That's how we grow. We
grieve the loss of each dream by facing, then acknowledging and eventually accepting that those youthful dreams weren't based upon the reality of life.

I believe that all true growth results from loss.

Please keep reading Emily

Lost my cont. post. Have to go to work for a bit. So sorry. Will get back to you today.

Take care of yourself, Mrs. Keep writing. You're going to be just fine.

Love,
Emily

Yes, heartaches, sorrows and losses DO change you. I do a lot of thinking along these lines these days and I expect that won't stop as I age. I relect constantly....in fact, sometimes I think I "deep think" a little too often. I marvel at how naive I was at 20-something. Old age is a lifetime away and I hoped for all the best. Life hasn't given me anything near what I had hoped for. But I tend to see that my growth today and who I am reflects some of the things that have scarred me. If I indulge in self pity I hurdle down fast so I've tried to keep clear of that. Still, I suspect we all feel sad for what wasn't and what is at some moments. My hubby and I refer to them as "triggers." You're going about life as usual and then hear a song, or see something and you're transported back. Sometimes that's pleasant and a lot of times it isn't. A counselor told me (after my divorce) that when those troubling, painful thoughts arise to let them wash over me but continue to flow away. Don't let them penetrate too deep. I realize that I have strength today....that I sincerely wonder if it would be here if I had not walked the road I had to. There's a lot of wisdom in living for today because it's all we have. Hang in there, friends...we all have a little or a lot of this going on as time goes by.

For mrs. madness: You are a surprising person..amidst that wistful sadness, there's fire in you other times. Last week that post of yours about health care, living near Mexico border...and so on...you have amazing spirit in yourself. Please don't forget and harness that fire of yours. And you might have to do something outside of your hubby.

Emjay: Go for those things you've been longing to do. And let hubby figure himself out.

General comment: Well, if I knew in advance what would happen in life, I would have AVOIDED certain experiences,..that in the end, made me a better person. Not always every experience made me happier, but yes wiser.

At this time in life, I know I still have some things to resolve and now that I'm living thousands of kms. away from family, it is four times more difficult to resolve things/make things better at a distance.

However am comforted that I have done things in the past which clearly showed I had my best intentions at heart for various people and I know it is acknowledged...because now they have mentioned certain concepts, ideas that I have ...fought for in the broader community.

Remember this: you are, yes, one pebble among many pebbles, dropped in a pool of water, with unknown circles of influence.

I often feel my own family has very little idea what I have accomplished in other spheres of my life... yet those accomplishments are due...to very powerful influences of parents..whom we sometimes still disagree with/have misunderstandings.

Sarah Ban Breanach writes in Simple Abundance (one of my faourite books) about driving and having to pull over for a weep.
"Standing Knee Deep in Water and Dying of Thirst."
This provoked me to buying the song.Sarah has been a book companion for several years I find her a pleasure and a book friend.
Music touches the soul.
Mountain ash

Emy, my first real experience with loss when when we hit the infertility path. However, we chose to beat it by adopting two children. And then got pregnant.

It is sad in a way, that Life is constant change, and loss is inevitable. I believe it's how we handle the episodes of loss in our lives that teach us more of what we are as human beings, than in how we handle the episodes of gain.

As for the aging marriage...I think in every great long-term committed relationship, there is a process that is undergone, participated in by both parties. It is the process of understanding one another, as human beings. There is so much more to it all, than merely, well he's a man! or she's a woman! and never the twain shall meet! No, I don't believe that at all. Through the years of my marriage, honest communication has been a necessity. I've also often walked in my husband's shoes, so to speak. I've endeavored to see his life experiences through his eyes, and in so doing, in attempting to understand to the best of my abilities, this one man, I believe I've gleaned some small insight as to the male gender. This, and the fact that we have, unwittingly, taught each other, through the years, through all the changes we’ve experienced during life, what it is to be female and male.

Aging together, my husband and I are each other's best friends. There is no question, with either of us, with whom we'd rather spend time. We know each other as humn beings, as intimately as we know ourselves, the good, and the bad, we know each other. With all we know, we love and genuinely like one another.

Mrs. Madness,

Sorry I haven't been able to continue with what I was writing.

Work is just hectic this week. But I haven't forgotten about you.

And as you can see, there are many wise, compassionate ladies who post on this site. And most of them are very open about their own, personal experiences -- willing to share their stories and how they coped or are coping.

I really get the feeling that you are in the process of grieving the loss of your dreams. That's normal and I think necessary, if we are to grow.

It doesn't mean that you won't have "new" dreams.

A very wise therapist suggested the following "visual," to be used whenever I was feeling overwhelmed with past memories or whenever life was feeling unfair.

Think of a scale of balance. One side is negatitive, one positive.

When life starts piling on so much "negative" that the scale tips in that direction, you have to purposely add good things to the positive side, until the scale is balanced. You won't always achieve perfect "balance," but you will not feel so over-whelmed.

Example: for the time being, stop listening to the old tunes that bring you down. If you like music, choose to listen to songs that trigger hope and other postive feelings. If you like to read, read more. If you like certain foods, eat more of those foods.

Add "actions" to the positive side of your life scale.

I could have explained the scale of balance in better terms, but I'm afraid that I'll time out.

cont.
Emily

I'm not trying to tell you that you don't have reasons to be feeling very sad. I know those feelings all too well. (Read my posts in mental illness.)

I'm also on meds and will be for the rest of my life. This is positive -- I'm taking positive action by taking medicine available to me. I have a family history of depression and have seen the toll that depression has taken on members of my family who have refused medicinal help. I choose to take the meds for myself, my husband and my children and grandchildren.

I'm also wondering if it might be possible for you to take time off from work to come back to the states for awhile.
That doesn't mean that you have to make a decision to separate or divorce. You'd just be taking some time to heal.

Need to get to work. Will check back today.

Aren't the ladies on this site wonderful! So compassionate and willing to share their own stories and coping skills!

Love,
Emily

Jeanine, seems we have lots in common when it comes to our marriages. Some people say we are lucky to be so happy. But I don't think it's luck. We are committed to one another, we work with one another on issues where we don't agree and we compromise, we communicate wholeheartedly, we take pleasure in making one another happy, we put one another first, etc. We genuinely enjoy one another's successes and pick each other up when one is down.

We do these very things for our friends, so why wouldn't we do them for our spouses?

Emy, it's great to see you posting and talking about work again. How's the new school year going for you?