Does anyone have any experience with this. My younger son (13) has been having a difficult time lately. It started with his cat dying, then overhearing his drug addict brother when he said he was going to kill himself, also got dumped by his girlfriend (I don't encourage him being so involved at his age but he didn't listen) and he is also failing in school. He is depressed enough and then a very close friend died. After school my son and his friends were hanging out as usual . They started to run up a hill to go somewhere and Carly, his friend, started gasping to get her breath. She grabbed at her friends shirts hanging on to them desperately trying to breath. Next she turned blue and basically died right there on the sidewalk in front of all her friends. (she had an asthma attack) My son is devastated.
He is so depressed he can't sleep, isn't eating very much and walks around with his head down. He really can't take anymore. I am very worried about him and of course can't make it better.
Anyone have any idea how to get him through this. He won't really talk about it with me. I do know that he talks with the friends who were there which is healthy. They are online on MSN so have all written something about how they feel about this girl, which is also healthy. Also, the school had grief counsellors who met with the kids the day after this happened.
I'd appreciate any advice especially if you have had a similar experience having to deal with a child who is grieving.
Kate

Hi Kate. It sounds like your son needs more counseling. Kids think they are invincible, so having a friend die along with the other triggers can cause severe depression. My son had a friend die when he was a little older than yours. He didn't want to go to the funeral and didn't want to face the fact that his friend died. I may have been wrong but I forced him to go to the funeral so he could be with other friends and family. It was a long time before he could talk about his friend. We just tried to get him to talk - not easy with a boy. Kids of that age may not be able to articulate what they are feeling, so it seems that a trained therapist is the best way to go. We had a strong support group in our church at that time, so he came through it okay - eventually.

Please, get him some good counseling. Kids, at that age, aren't emotionally ready to handle all this bad news, horrid life events and all this grief on their own.

If his brother has been talking about suicide, your younger son might think about it, also, as a way to run from grief. Children don't understand death and that it is truly finite.

I don't have children, but work with children, and have a background on children's mental health. His friends cannot answer his questions; he needs a child psychologist who understands the development of children. Please, find one soon.

Thanks, my son is seeing a psychologist at school and has been for the past few months. He started seeing him when his brother got out of jail and came back to live with us. His brother said he was clean but soon got into drugs again and the chaos began again so I had to ask him to leave. It was through that drama that my older son said he was going to kill himself and my younger son overheard. Than all these other things happened. I just had an appointment with a pediatrician to talk about his issues and school problems, basically check him out. He had started to feel a little better and than this happened. I will talk to the school psychologist to see if I should also be taking him to another psychologist outside of school for some more support. I am worried about him for the reasons you discribed.
Kate

I don't have much advice, but have an idea. Since kids are online so much, how about Googling topics that deal with this and see if there is a great web site that may give him good advice. Maybe he would be willing to read online. I mention this as an addition to more counseling.

Also, I always think it's a good idea for parents to write letters to their kids at times like this. Just let him know how much you love him and appreciate the way he is getting help at school. Tell him you are there for him and will do naything you can to help. Build him up! I bet he'll read the letter over and over again!

Dotsie, I am also a believer in writing letters to my kids when things get especially intense. I recently wrote one to my 17 year old and though he hasn't mentioned it, he seems a little different (in a positive way). I think it can help us really say what we mean and it may clear up any misunderstandings or misconceptions they have about life.

Katebcca, your son may be getting couneling at school but if he is not getting any better, it may mean that he can't relate to this person. Sometimes, we need to see different people before we find one that will really help make some positive changes. Your son is at a delicate age and in the best of circumstances, puberty is tough enough. But he has a lot to deal with and losing a friend at that age has got be a life changing experience. I will pray for all involved.
I hope the community is coming together to support this girl's family and friends.
((HUGS))

There have been grief counsellors at the school and they will continue to be there for staff, students and family as long as they are needed. Some of the kids went over to the girls house at the parents invitation to pick out things to keep as memories to remind them of the girl.
A letter is a good idea. I have written him on occasion.
His counsellor is someone that he can talk to. He has built up a repore with him. I did talk to the counsellor a while back about him seeing someone else outside of school and he mentioned that my son is really hard to reach so it may be an idea to stick with him. This is also the counsellor that saw my older son (drug addict) so he knows the family history. He is also a really good person and my son likes him which is a plus.
Thanks for the prayers too, he can really use them as can the family of this little girl. So sad, even for me, I think of her every day and her family.
Kate

Dear Katebcca: So sad to read what your son is going through, along with his friends. It is a huge plate for him to handle. I can only add that prayers and staying alert to any changes is a must. The letter writing might help you span the distance to his heart and mind too! I will be praying for your family!

I went to the funeral today with my son. I drove him and his friends and decided to stay myself as I knew many of the people there. I wanted to support my son even though he sat with his friends, he knew I was there. The four boys I took were dressed in suits. I had to drive over to a friends to get help with their ties as I don't know how to tie a tie. I was so proud of them wanting to look nice for their friend even though she had passed. My son wanted to bring one simple rose and I ended up buying a white rose for each boy.
They behaved in such a mature way the entire time. Of course there was not a dry eye in the house especially when they rolled the photo essay with music chosen by the students, standard teenage music. The words were sad, about missing the person etc. Out of a very tragic event, there were many positives. These kids lives will be changed forever. There was lots of hugging and support going on. I was amazed at their ability to be there for each other. They were very concerned for the parents of the girl. That was the saddest part for me, to see the parents. Some of her friends read poems that they wrote for her, while others talked about things they had done together, we laughed and cried at the same time.
For all of you who know kids/people with allergies, please learn what to do if they have an allergic reaction. The kids are being taught what to do and to be aware of who in their school has food allergies. Hopefully this girl loosing her life will help others to be more vigilant.
Kate

Kate, thank you for reporting on this. And bravo to YOU for going and staying with them. You sound like such a caring and warm individual. I'm sure your son feels your support and love, even if he doesn't acknowledge it. Just knowing you were there gave him strength to face this, I'm sure of it. Good for you!

I think the letter writing is a great idea, that and lots and lots of hugs.