Kate, reading your post made me cry. We experienced a very similar death in our community due to a peanut allergy. I still get goosebumps thinking about it. He was a high school senior and it broke his parents hearts. They still are not the same.

Whatever you do, stay in touch with the parents too. Some people don't because they feel awkward. Then,in addition to their loss, they become isolated. Also, have your son and his friends visit them and share their stories if they can. It's good for all involved. I'm so sorry for your loss and will think about and pray for your little community of her friends and family.

Kate - I personally think you did everything just the way you should have as a loving mom. You were there for both your son AND his friends, driving them, getting them a rose, stepping back and allowing the kids to deal with this the way THEY needed to deal with it - while being there "in the background" for moral support. So many times parents feel they need to "go through it" FOR their kids -- but death is part of life and it's important that your son and his friends have their own personal closure.

Perhaps you can suggest ways that your son and his friends can turn this bad situation around for some good. By raising money for the family to help with funeral expenses or helping them (through the school perhaps) form study groups of some sort to educate kids (and parents) about allergies (or mental illness or drug addiction). This way they can feel they are DOING something positive instead of just letting their friend and her family just fade away.

Hug your son frequently and tell him that HE'S YOUR HERO. Let him know how proud you are of how he has handled all the saddness in his young life. Give him tons of time to talk to you and invite his friends to feel free to call you or come by too. It will make all the difference in the world, ESPECIALLY in the months to come. Right now it is fresh on everyone's mind, but in a few weeks or months, everyone else will go on with their life -- its important that your son knows he can still come talk to you about this 6 months from now.

I believe in therapy and believe he should continue outside therapy, but it's important that he knows he has somewhere to go in the middle of the night.

Also, you may want to contact your local Hospice. They usually have counselors available for just this situation and they are WONDERFUL people to deal with.

((((((( HUGS ))))))

Carolyn

Kate, I don't have anything to add except that I have all of you in my prayers. I was so sorry to read about this.

My son is still quite depressed. He can't seem to more forward.
Last night he had a dream in which his legs were stuck together. He had no feet but when he looked down his friends face was there looking up at him.
I talked to him about this and told him he is stuck in the grieving process. I wrote him a letter today and hope it makes him feel better. I also may rent him the movie "truly madly deeply. Has anyone seem this? It's an English BBC film about a woman that looses her boyfriend and she can't seem to move on. It has a really neat ending. I think my son will be able to relate. I'm going to watch it again first just to make sure it's ok as it's been a long time since I've seen it.
Kate

kate, I am not familiar with the movie but I think it is a good idea to preview it beforehand. How did he react to your letter? I think that it is a good idea to write it. I am sorry to hear about his dream. He is truly grieving, isn't he, the poor dear. I'll send prayers for him,kate.I hope his dreams stop and soon.

Yes, I watched the movie first and warned him that in the beginning of the movie he may feel like crying (that's what he should be doing as he is holding it all in)
This womens husband dies. The sad part is when she is in the counsellors office and she is having a difficult time. She crys, moans and then gets really angry saying she is so angry at him mostly for dying. My son paid attention to this part. This film is really good as it shows the stages of grief and that she does move on. She imagines her husband comes back as a ghost and he helps her to get through it. In the movie it seems like he is really there but at the end we know its just her imagination. This is a British film, I love British drama's and it touches on so many topics and there is even some great humor in it. I highly recommend it to those who have lost someone. My son thanked me after and said it did make him feel better. When I drove him to school today he felt much better. He even commented on how beautiful the snow peaked mountains looked. A good sign. It's not over yet but he is going through the process and I'm not rushing him, just trying to be a support.
Kate

You are a special soul. He is so lucky to have such a caring and understanding Mom who supports him fully. How are others coming to terms with it Kate, do you know?

Kate, you are such an awesome Mom. You are doing all the right things. Your son is so lucky!

Lion, how great to see you around again. Stay, will you?

The young girls that were with her are having a very difficult time. They knew her longer than my son, some since they were babies. I did hear that many of the teens and their families got together with the parents of the girl at Easter. I never met the parents but I am so glad that those that know them are there for them.
Kate

Kate - I agree that it was a good sign that your son was remarking on the beauty of LIFE, but as I know you are aware, there are still going to be "those days". I also agree with Dotsie that you are a TERRIFIC mom !!

It's hard for adults to figure out how to move on, we can only imagine how hard it is for kids - especially boys - because society has pressured them into being "men" and not showing their emotions - like you said - he needs to cry, scream and then let go. It sounds like this movie touched something within him that is beginning to help him cope.

You have a long road ahead of you -- sending prayers of strength for you to get your son through this!!