Where's Dr.Bob? Which state do you live in, Dianne?

Thanks Dotsie, for all your loving advice.

Well, I went to my old therapist this past Saturday. He seems to have "kicked into gear" probaby because he learned that I was searching for a cognitive therapist.

Well, good news, I hope! Dr. Spears, the one who follows my med therapy just might have found a cognitive therapist right here in Silver Spring!!! He's not at all sure about the religious therapist I went to because she wants to use
EMDR therapy on me, which is controversial and involves moving the eyes certain direction???

Cognitive will help me restructure my thoughts which trigger my feelings. This sounds much more resonable to me.

So, I've been getting along pretty good because I have this new hope.

I just believe that if I search long enough, that God, or the universe, or my higher power will lead me to the right place, towards the good . . .

I'm kind of going up and down right now, but Dr. Spears says he expected this as he "tweaks" my meds.

Thank all of you for holding on to me. This has been one of the worse depressions I've ever had. I'm kind of used to them coming and going and can usually get out of them with meds, talk therapy, and physical movement, also my scrapbooking.

I'm very interested in the Book Club that I think is forming on this site. Books help me take my mind off of me.

If I can just level off and get to maybe a six on a one to ten scale of depression with 10 being "happy" I'll be able to make a move to join some classe where I can meet some people.

No doubt in my mind that God led me to this site, as the encouragement from all of you has help me up on my worse days.

I'm so grateful for all of your emails.

Love,
Emily

Emily, Dr. Bob was in Phoenix. He has since retired and bought a vineyard in CA. The man was amazing.

On a 1-10 scale, where would you say you are right now?

Hang in there. This will all be resolved and you'll be in top form. We're here for you.

On a one to ten scale with ten being happy, I'd say that I'm five right now, which is much, much better than a week ago.

As long as I'm five or above, I feel well enough to take action, which is the only way that I'm going to find new interests and meet new friends.

Dotsie - When we bought this house - it was my husband's great-grandfathers house, everyone in my neighborhood, except for three ladies about my age, were retired. When they were alive, it was pretty nice because I had babysitters and cookie makers and garden experts all around me! Then, they all started to die. This was not good as I was losing someone once a year or less.

I wanted to move so badly. I wanted to live in a neighborhood where we could meet couples our own age - I wanted to be able to make "lifelong" friendships.

But money was tight at the time and our house payments were low. So, we stayed and now all of our neighbors are twenty or so years younger than we are. So, I feel "left out." I mean people are kind, but they are at a different stage in their lives. So, that's why I'm so upset about the two neighbors, who are about my age, moving.

I've been used to walking around talking with people working in their gardens, etc. Now, I hardly really "know" anyone.

Also, I used to drive my neighbors around so they could do their errands and I felt good because they were so happy to get out of their homes.

Oh, well. Enough whining.

Church isn't really a good idea right now because I'm having a bit of a "spiritual" crisis. (I was brought up in a very negative fundamentalist church.) Long story. But I'm moving in the direction of grace, goodness, love, and peace. It's hard to erase those old tapes. But I am - very slowly.

Thanks again, to all of you who are staying in contact with me. I hope to feel so good, one day, that I can be of help to all of you, when the challenges of life seem overwhelming.

Blessings to all,

Love,

Emily in Maryland

Dear Emyjay, I had my first panic attack when I was 18. And it was a full blown one. I am 59 now. I don´t have them often at all..but once and awhile..like now..because i am going thru a rough time..but the attacks are something I recognize now..and I can usually take care them quickly. SO, NO..you don´t have to go on having them forever. I know many people who have them and some are taking medications for them. Men, women..young and old. It´s much more common than you know. I really mean this. It´s the body´s way to give a signal that something a bit deep inside of you is not feeling too good at the moment..and that you should perhaps address it. Not ignore it. It´s a NORMAL reaction..well, i believe it is anyway..think about it at any rate.

your religious issue is one i can relate to very well..but it i don´t know if you think i can help you..i grew up a catholic..went to catholic schools and college...and then went on to be a memeber of the new church, as it is called. It is based on the writings of Emanuel Swedenborg. I have been fighting with issues of quilt and sin and never feeling good enough all my life..due to organized religion. Now, these are MY thoughts and experiences..i have read, and searched for myself since my divorce 7 yrs ago. I think i have found "GOD" again, but he is not the God i knew before. And he is within me and all around me..yes, it´s scarey to let go of everything you knew to be true.. but my experience is that it was worth going down to my "black hole" and finding my way up again..slowly, but surely..with the support of a very few good friends..

You seem to be at some kind of crossroads in your life..with the choice of quite a few paths to take... you know, it´s ok to make mistakes..(at least i think it is and i´ve made ALOT).. be kind to yourself..understanding of yourself..you are trying the best you can right now..

i think it´s difficult to write about my religious experience, unless you feel that i could be of help. i think that one´s beliefs are very personal in many ways. So unless i know what you are interested in, i can only say that i have searched for God for a long time and found him/life within myself and within everyone and everything around me...and i guess i haven´t stopped searching for a better understanding and a better me (altho it´s ok where i am now and where YOU are too)..isn´t life a search?? i don´t know. But i guess that i think it is..

you´re not alone.. and don´t give up on that therapist.. your former therapist that moved, can´t he/she help you find one in your own area?..just wondering.. and thinking of you!

I also grew up in a church where the minister, along with some members, loved to beat the flock. Along with that, I was pretty good at flogging myself for never being good, holy, Christian enough until I decided that God didn't want my love out of fear but out of how I lived my life, how I loved and treated others and the example I set every day by just being myself.

We had a friend who married a younger gal. She always asked me for advice and looked up to me. I felt we were equals until she filed for divorce and told me that while she loved me, I wasn't her age and she couldn't really identify. While it kind of hurt me, I understood.

I believe we can learn from and teach women of all ages. We've all had different life lessons that we can share as they present themselves to us through others who need guidance. Just look at Eagle Heart and her horrible bout with depression. She now comes here and helps others who are suffering. It's the value we find in assisting others and our universe.

That said, I believe with all my heart that soon, you will pull up and out from this depression and know and understand just how horrible it is but will have healed and can use this to be a guiding light to others. I'm excited just waiting to see this happen.

Humlan and Diane,

Thanks to both of you for replying to my last post.

Humlan, what you wrote about re: your journey from a negative spiritual experience to a new, positive belief system was very helpful and gives me hope that I'll reach that place, also.

So did your's, Dianne.

In my mind, I've been thinking that everyone around me - especially at my age - is in a positive place re: religion. Now I know that I'm not alone in this journey, that others are struggling or have struggled with this issue too.

It's such a sensitive subject to talk about, that I just don't discuss my "conflicted" feelings with anyone face to face.

Thanks to both of you for sharing your stories.

Dianne, thank you ever so much for your words of encouragement. I'm doing much better now -- just hoping that I'll continue to move in this much nicer direction!

Blessings,
Emily in Maryland

Emy, I encourage you to keep seeking your spiritual center. My childhhod God was one of fear. He is now one of overflowing love. I would love for you to experience Him. He wants more good for you than you can ever imagine. He loves you dearly. Keep looking for Him.

Dotsie,

Thank you for sharing that you've had a religious challenge somewhat like mine.

I have to say, I was afraid to post that information about me, because so many people on this board seem so at peace with this subject.

Since my divorce, which I did not want - would never, ever have dreamed that this could happen to me - I haven't felt
good about myself, like I missed the mark, and like I'm not deserving of grace and forgiveness. ( This is really, really, really, hard for me to write.)

I feel like a second class Christian and so I have spent many a day punishing myself with words. "You're not good."
"You're not getting to heaven." "God must be pretty disappointed in you." That's what I tell myself.

I'm working - and this is taking lots of energy and practice - to tell myself that God does understand, that I couldn't have raised a handicapped child by myself and that God knew this and this is probably why John came into my life. There are so many surgeries needed by a cleft lip and palate child. It's so heartbreaking to hear people say, "Wow, what happened to that kid!"

It's even more heartbreaking to carry your child, who is crying and begging you to take him home, into a hospital knowing how scared he is (and you are) and how much pain he will be facing.

(I've never been this open on any board or web site. I hope I am not upsetting anyone.)

I also think that when Jonathan was born and his father, first husband, brought his girlfriend to the hospital to meet me, that something snapped in my head. I started asking why? "why me?" "why my precious little boy?"

This was the moment I started questioning my understanding of God.

(Think I've just had a break-through and need to have a little cry.)

Thanks, again, to all who have supported me.

Jam, you'll find that same support here.

Love,
Emily in Maryland

Emily,
I read your post just before lunch (after planting flowers in my garden all morning) and didn't respond right away. But you've been on my mind all afternoon, along with a sense of gladness for you. It's good that you're here, with us, sharing your journey. I'm really glad that you're here. I also noticed your response to JAM in another thread - while your words about my book are kind and appreciated, what I most celebrate is your "wounded healer" presence here - helping others through what you're journeying through - there's an immense power when your support for others ripples out of your own pain. And the ability/desire to rise above that pain to help another out of hers, well, that brings a little dance of joy to my heart for you (and for us who benefit from you shining your light and wisdom).

Thank you.

Dear Eagle,

I'm glad to hear that you were planting flowers. To me, that means that you're coping with the grieving process.
You are actively choosing to stay in touch with life.

Oh, Eagle, the touching things you said about me caused my heart to beat a bit faster.

Just as you do and have done and likely will continue to do, I try to use my challenges to help others . . . especially those who don't know what is happening to them or to someone very close to them.

As I said in my other post about your book, I've never read a any other book or an article that so closely describes "how" depression "feels."

And it was interesting to learn that you were thinking about me, because all last night, when I just couldn't sleep, I was thinking about you!

I'm in the process of trying to find a therapist with whom I can "click."

The one I saw Wednesday night spent most of my session biting her fingernails to the quick and telling me how she had to go to therapy to learn that her skills were worth the money she now charges. A minister at a Lutheran church I very infrequently attend suggested her. After two meetings, I've learned a bit, but a red flag is going up.

I told her that I had a really bad time last year when school was out and my job was over for the summer. I told her that my former therapist would let me sit in his waiting room with a book -- or just sit there -- whenever the loneliness I was feeling or panic attacks became overwhelming.

She replied, "well that's not going to happen here!" I'm using the exclamation point to indicate her tone of voice.

I have such bad panic attacks and my other therapist, bless his heart, always took a few minutes to call me and reassure me that the attack would end. Maybe I was spoiled.

But, if a therapist knows that a patient suffers from bad panic attacks, I would think a compassionate therapist would take a few minutes to help the patient calm down.

What do you and anyone else reading this point think? I'm in the DC area, which has the highest number of therapist and pscy Dr. in the country. (Now, that's a scary thought!)

Oh, I just looked up and saw your sign-off, Eagle. Think I'll write that down on a 3"x5" card and carry it in my purse.

Better close as my long posts seem to get blocked.

Love,
Emily