Emily, thank you for asking how I am. It's a rather tricky question to answer these days - my automatic answer is "fine thanks", but then I can never hold back the tears. The real truth is that I'm miserable, in so much emotional pain that I can barely breathe. I just can't get used to my brother being gone. There is also another crisis going on in my family that I'm not at liberty to discuss but which is causing its own agonizing devastation and very painful repercussions, contributing to that "overwhelmedness" at times.

BUT, I've also been having some delightful "Gary-moments" which are keeping my head above those murky waters - some come right out of the blue and even sometimes when I'm sobbing away and totally oblivious to anything but my pain - in the midst of my angst, I'll hear him say something and it will be so funny that I almost wet myself laughing. So then I'm leaking out both sides and that too makes me laugh!

I think there are more better days now than dark days, so hopefully I'm on the mend. I think that what set me off a few days ago was talk about my upcoming birthday in July, and I realized that there's nobody left to be here to celebrate my birthday...that really hit hard. Lots of people "out there" who love and care and will celebrate from a distance, but those "happy birthdays" with family are gone forever now.

I have no friends here (I have amazing friends out of town - you "met" Kate & Louis in the book, they're still very much a part of my life). But for local friends to sip tea with, I've just been too busy over the years to make and maintain new friendships.

I've just started seeing a new therapist and she's wonderful - too expensive for me to see much longer, but I really enjoy that 50 minutes with her. So my TLC comes from hubby, God and my sisters here. But I trust that everything I need is already in my life, so if/when I need more than this, it (friends, whatever) will be there for me.

Thanks again for asking, Emily. When I see your care for others shining through your own pain, I know that there's a light at the end of that tunnel...it can be a slow crawl out, but that journey is well worth the time it takes - I hope it helps you to know that you're not on that journey alone. I'm also there (again), not depressed, but having to talk back to the guilt and sense of failure in regard to my brother's death - yes, it's irrational, but then, most guilt and sense of failure is "lie", and it does take courage to hold those perceptions to the light of truth (that's when it helps to believe in a loving God) and dare to accept that they are lies, and then go in search of our core truth (that we are loved infinitely more than we can imagine, just as we are).

Anyway, long-winded again. I'll leave it at this for now. We are ALL stronger than we know...once you find it in yourself, it empowers you to hang in there - and it helps you to know that a) this too shall pass, and b) no matter how tough or painful it is or how long it takes, you can make it through, even if it's one painful crawl forward at a time. It also helps to know that there will be added value and meaningfulness to that painful journey later on...