I echo Jane's suggestion to be kind to yourself! It is NOT A SIN or a crime to rest - whether it be your physical body that needs rest from a viral infection, or your spiritual/emotional self that needs rest from the constant onslaught of untangling that mangled thinking - give yourself permission a) to be human, and b) to rest when your body and/or your spirit needs it.

For me, that rest was very much a part of my healing, and I can guarantee you that I would never have made it out if I had not given in to sleeping and resting when my body/spirit needed that "time-out". And for the record, I spent DAYS and WEEKS in bed, doing absolutely nothing except sleeping, crying and praying. I had no choice. The depression and grief were so heavy and overwhelming, I could not stay awake, and I couldn't function outside of that bed. I knew that healing was on its way when I was finally able to start praying for other people and not just for myself - it wasn't that the act of praying for others was healing in itself, it was that my spirit and body were finally rested enough to begin taking those baby steps out of my own painful darkness.

It is what it is, and we are who we are. Depression is a bona fide illness, and the need for extra rest is one of the legitimate symptoms of depression - if you had a broken back, nobody (including you) would question your need to rest. Why should you be any harsher with yourself when it's depression that needs bedrest - that's just as legitimate a need as any other sick body's need.

Dare to treat yourself with true compassion and kindness - and agree with yourself to start loving yourself back to life instead of constantly flinging fault and guilt. Believe me, I've been there, it almost killed me, I know it's a long road out of there but every trip begins with that first step...I can tell you that it's much more difficult to make much movement forward without first making that commitment to love yourself back to life with the patience and compassion that any wounded person deserves.

Eagle,

I'm going ito work this morning, but I do have 5 hours between morning and evening shifts. As soon as I get home, I'm going back to bed. I'm glad you told me about the need for rest. Throughout this, I'm in bed most all weekends. I find that whenever I've gone through a bad depression, that I need that time for my mind to quiet down. I have a friend who does this, too.

Thank you so much for sharing your need for more rest and sleep, also.

I'm having a big problem with obsessive thoughts. They are making me feel bad. My soon to be ex but current therapist says I should talk back to them or only allow myself an hour a day to worry. Now, how do I do that? I do tell myself that I'm not a bad person when that tape runs. I think this is mostly a replay of what I heard from my mother when I was a child. Also, because I need to be perfect. I can't do that, but the "tapes" in my head tell me I'm a failure whenever I get depressed or don't do something the way I think I should.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not hearing voices. These are just thoughts that start and wont stop.

Eagle or anyone, has anyone had this before. Tell you the truth, this is scaring me more than the depression, which is lifting.

Love,
Emily

You do have to talk back to those negative thoughts. You have to work hard at it, but you must at least try to "think a better thought" and not succumb to the futility or allow those thoughts to suck you further into the muck. Recognize that those thoughts are also symptoms of the depression and are NOT indicative of who you really are.

One of the things I had to do was design my own "measuring tape" because I too had always believed that I was a failure in meeting other people's expectations. I realized that in the end, we and we alone are the creators of our own lives, nobody else. So the only person who gets to measure my worthwhileness and success is ME! Other people will force their opinions and expectations on you, but you and you alone get to decide who you are and how you want to live - there comes a point in our lives when our mothers no longer get to decide who we are and who we WANT to be. The truth is that you can be whoever you want to be - you get to make that choice, and there is NOBODY out there who can make that choice, or gets to judge your choice or you. It's YOUR life, YOUR self, YOUR choices to make.

You will HAVE to talk back to those tapes, and begin rewriting them with what YOU want to hear yourself saying to yourself - and be generous, because in reality, whether or not you can see it right now, you ARE a noble, wondrously incredible being with infinite possibility (and it's entirely up to you which of those possibilities you want to chase after and become). The core truth of each one of us is that we are ALLOWED by God, by the universe, by our deepest selves, to be anything and all that we choose to be. If those old tapes are getting in the way, rewrite them so that they don't get in the way - rewrite them so that they open doors and windows to better possibilities instead of keeping you locked in that nightmare of self-imprisonment. Nobody has the power anymore to keep you there - you can rewrite your way out of that darkness, one word, one thought, one step forward at a time.

The other reality is that nobody else CAN do that for you. Therapists will help us find that way, or the motivation, or the courage and will companion you along that way out, but you are the one who will have to make the choices that will actually get you out - and those choices begin with talking back to those old tapes which are no longer valid (probably never were) and are NOT who you are...you get to decide who you are - and reach for the stars when you decide who you are, because you are infinitely greater than you can possibly imagine.

I had those nagging thoughts and Dr. Bob helped me understand that it was from my parents and not my own thoughts. They told me what they wanted me to believe about myself. I pictured a tape recorder in my mind and would pull it out and change the tape to something positive. It takes time but it does work.

We have so much in common!

Diane,

Picturing changing the tape is a good visual. Actually, my husband used to be a disc jockey -- still does some shows for a local country club.

He uses CD's now. But long ago, used tapes, then cassettes. That's why I refer to a tape in my mind. Because I watched him change tapes for so many years.

Think I'm also going to write some affirmations on 3x5 cards. If I start to panic, could visualize changing the tape and read the cards.

What I'm understanding from Eagle and from you is that this is going to take time. By last night, I accepted the fact that this is not a bandaid situation.

I ended up sicker (physically) than I thought. Still have white spots on my tonsils and my temp is still up. So my boss told me to take today off too. This is good. Gives me more time to heal in many ways.

Thanks to all who are helping so much. I'm convinced that only people who have been through this really and truly understand.

Eagle, you've just been through a loss. I'm concerned about you. How are you doing? I'm sure that your husband is supporting you. Do you have any close friends who are giving you extra TLC?

I was scanning your book yesterday. I have to say that you are one of the strongest persons that I have ever met. I mean that. You are an inspiration to me and I am sure that many other "struggling" people feel the same.

Love,
Emily

Emily, thank you for asking how I am. It's a rather tricky question to answer these days - my automatic answer is "fine thanks", but then I can never hold back the tears. The real truth is that I'm miserable, in so much emotional pain that I can barely breathe. I just can't get used to my brother being gone. There is also another crisis going on in my family that I'm not at liberty to discuss but which is causing its own agonizing devastation and very painful repercussions, contributing to that "overwhelmedness" at times.

BUT, I've also been having some delightful "Gary-moments" which are keeping my head above those murky waters - some come right out of the blue and even sometimes when I'm sobbing away and totally oblivious to anything but my pain - in the midst of my angst, I'll hear him say something and it will be so funny that I almost wet myself laughing. So then I'm leaking out both sides and that too makes me laugh!

I think there are more better days now than dark days, so hopefully I'm on the mend. I think that what set me off a few days ago was talk about my upcoming birthday in July, and I realized that there's nobody left to be here to celebrate my birthday...that really hit hard. Lots of people "out there" who love and care and will celebrate from a distance, but those "happy birthdays" with family are gone forever now.

I have no friends here (I have amazing friends out of town - you "met" Kate & Louis in the book, they're still very much a part of my life). But for local friends to sip tea with, I've just been too busy over the years to make and maintain new friendships.

I've just started seeing a new therapist and she's wonderful - too expensive for me to see much longer, but I really enjoy that 50 minutes with her. So my TLC comes from hubby, God and my sisters here. But I trust that everything I need is already in my life, so if/when I need more than this, it (friends, whatever) will be there for me.

Thanks again for asking, Emily. When I see your care for others shining through your own pain, I know that there's a light at the end of that tunnel...it can be a slow crawl out, but that journey is well worth the time it takes - I hope it helps you to know that you're not on that journey alone. I'm also there (again), not depressed, but having to talk back to the guilt and sense of failure in regard to my brother's death - yes, it's irrational, but then, most guilt and sense of failure is "lie", and it does take courage to hold those perceptions to the light of truth (that's when it helps to believe in a loving God) and dare to accept that they are lies, and then go in search of our core truth (that we are loved infinitely more than we can imagine, just as we are).

Anyway, long-winded again. I'll leave it at this for now. We are ALL stronger than we know...once you find it in yourself, it empowers you to hang in there - and it helps you to know that a) this too shall pass, and b) no matter how tough or painful it is or how long it takes, you can make it through, even if it's one painful crawl forward at a time. It also helps to know that there will be added value and meaningfulness to that painful journey later on...

Emily,

I think we all have those scripts to some degree. I know that I have been catching myself with some pretty mean and nasty thoughts lately.

There are a lot of things you can do to confront them and change them. I did a blog about it yesterday... http://berthasblogging.berthasize.com/2007/05/24/garbage-day.aspx

Although I thought my idea was brilliant...I loved the comment that was posted even more!

Hopefully these ideas will help you kick those unpleasant thoughts to the curb for good!

The words of BWS women are so wise and rich.

Jane, I read your blog, what an amazing idea! That's a keeper - I'm starting right now.

Jane, I loved it. Why don't you start a post right here where we can toss some of our cares away? I'm game.