Hi Emily...I have been watching this post with particular interest, sounds like you have been through the mill and then some. All the advice and support shown so far is why this place is so special.

I know in my case whan I first came around, I was in the depths, but couldn't find the courage you have found... for many months I just read and that in itself was a great help. When I felt brave enough to open up the support and kindness from all the other women, was and is consistantly phenomenal.
There is sun after rain, laughter after pain etc, you are doing the best you can right now at this time in your life and that is comendable. I am sure all of us in here at some stage in our lives have faced similar toils. I did for years in a cyclical manner...but it does change and get better.
Yes, I often feel like crying..and often I cry...I am passionate about crying and as I would say to anyone re tears...they are just the surplus fuel of emotion...so crying in my book is a great expression of healing whether or not we realize it at the time.
I want to know that you are in my thoughts too and I hope that things get lighter and brighter for you soon. I hope you gain some releif at the Dr's
I am with the rest of the lasses when they offer support.

Take care

Popea

Emily, you are headed in the right direction. Keep us posted, reach out as often as you want and know that we are keeping you in our big, old loving hearts.

it may be difficult for you to do any emotion bound to get in the way of this dr visit but if you can manage it do it regardless of how you feel...i do hope it goes well for you and it is tough waiting to be better specillie when your feeling like its hell but it will come...

if i had a majic wand then i use it for you to feel better today...but untill that happens..

Yes,I feel like crying at times. Sometimes I just go ahead and do it. It hasn't happened often over the years but I don't stop it. A lump in the throat, yes, that too when I reminisce about my Mom or my children or grandchildren. Can you put a finger on what is making you feel like crying? What are you thinking about at that time?
Emily, I am anxious to hear how your visit went. Hope you are enjoying your Easter Sunday.

Emily, one day at a time. Cry if you feel like it because it helps. What did the doctor mean by more than tweaking your meds? Therapy? If so, it really helped me through a very hard time and I believe not only changed my life but saved it. We're all here for you.

Emily...thinking about you...

Emily, praying for the clouds to move.

Well, I am convinced that I was being led to a comforting place when I found this site. All of you are being so supportive. And we've never even met in person. Really, I'm so touched by the compassionate replys I get when I post.

I went to the NIH DR. with John. We spend two and a half hours going over my whole history, from childhood on. It was grueling and we had to stop once in awhile because I felt so drained.

Dr. Spear, as I've mentioned before is a research scientist at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). He's a psychiatrist, endrochronologist, and brain specialist.

He is a wonderful, soft spoken, dedicated doctor. He doesn't just have a medical degree . . . he is truly a healer.

He wants me to see a cognitive therapist in conjunction with my meds. This means leaving my old therapist which is very sad to me. I have to say, Bruce is more like a good friend, than a therapist. Dr. Spear knows this will be hard for me, but says that the combination of meds and a good cognitive therapist is the best way to treat chronic depression.

So, he's searching and I'm waiting to see who he finds. And hopefully, it will be someone who takes my insurance.

He changed my meds by just increasing dosages (tweaking) of some and added a new one.

He also assured me that there are many meds available to someone like me, many I've never tried. So, I should not give up hope.

Ladies, I think it's because I was talking about all of the tradgedies in my life, but Sunday was terrible. I couldn't hold the lump in my throat any longer. I didn't want to go to our annual family gathering, but my husband basically made me. I knew I was going to start crying and didn't want my grandsons to see me that way. Sure enough, I stepped into my mom's house, took one look at my daughter-in-law and had to go upstairs immediately. I cried so hard.
My daughter-in-law stayed with me and my family was great. Everyone was so understanding.

I won't let myself cry, usually, but this just spilled out of me.

I don't want to talk about it now, but I have had a number of real life tradgedies in my life. Dr. Spears, after hearing about my life, told me that it's amazing that I've accomplished so much in my life and that I'm able to still give to others. His comment made me feel better about myself. Maybe I'm just doing the best I can.

I am a perfectionist and just find it difficult to "give myself a break." I always have believed that everyone has challenges and that if you make up your mind, you can overcome anything.

That's why Dr. Spears wants me to try cognitive therapy. He says I really need to learn how to accept myself and love myself and stop trying to be a perfectionist.

I understand what he's saying, but have no idea how one changes oneself. In other words, I'm much harder on myself than I would ever, ever be on anyone else.

How do you change what you've been telling yourself for years? Does anyone understand what I mean? Has anyone here ever learned how to change their thinking?

This is going to be interesting.

Love to everyone,
Emily

My therapy was cognitive. It was amazing.

Emily, it is a step by step process. After each session you will suddenly have a light go off in your brain and say to yourself, oh...so that's why I do such and such. Truly an amazing journey that gives lasting healing and great insight. You will begin to dismiss the old thinking and replace it with a healing thought process. It's like a mental miracle. It's also like finding a new woman who has been hiding deep inside and is finally allowed to come out into the sunlight. Actually, I'm very excited for you!

Dianne, your post is so encouraging. THanks for sharing with Emy.

Emy, what a wonderful doctor you have. I can't imagine any doctor listening for over two hours. That, alone is a miracle. I think he's on the right track. I'll pray that he finds the perfect cognitive therapist for you. Also, I am touched that your hubby went with you. You are blessed to have someone who cares so much. Carry on dear friend. WE're pulling for you.

Also, I know you live nearby. This weather has been the pits. I have a feeling that when the sun comes out and the temperature increases, some of YOUR clouds will also move.