Emily, do you mean the type of church where everything you do will send you straight to hell? Been there and left that. It's possibly to leave all of that behind you and see God as He really is...loving and kind and not waiting to smash us like an ant on the sidewalk. There is a certain amount of guilt that goes with breaking away because it's so deeply stuck in our minds.

Emily, welcome and so glad you posted here. I am bipolar II with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. It's been nearly 4 years since I was diagnosed and through most of that I've been here on BWS. They've truly helped me get through my rough spots.

Panic attacks do feel like you're going to die. Meds can help and don't be afraid to take them. That's what they're there for. To help you manage the illness. One thing I will beg of you, please don't go off your medications without doctor approval. The results can be devastating.

I hope you find a new doctor soon. One that will help you and gain your trust and you'll be able to open up to and receive therapy. Be diligent. Keep calling. Ask for referrals.

I don't have much experience with being brought up in a negative church. My church was pretty great. I do have a closer relationship with God now, than I had while going to church. It's more private, intimate. And He doesn't care that I worry about the same thing over and over. He's there for me.

We're here for you. Remember that.

emjay
their is was an intresting thread going on in spiritual belifes, posted by gymster. its titled what about god? Why not read along that thread and if any of the ideas strick you as intresting then maybee pm the ladies in question and see if they can talk to you about their type kind of belifes or spiritual journey.

Their tradisonal church based belifes and also untradisional nature and non churched belifes. Why not at lest give it a read. it started when the poster wanted to know what our idea of god was about, if we visulised them as a figure or an energy etc. Then some other questions as the thread progressed. Their is a wide range of diffrent religions and experiences, is inclusive of a lot of the women heer and might give you some pointers or even reasuranes about your own belifes and manner of worship....Its worth a try and it should't hurt.

Since the post have alreadie been written then you get a good idea of people and type of views and attitudes they have so you can do the choising before you approch someone or someone approches you. since you are feeling vulrible and have alreadie been scared by religion....Just a wee idea and i hope it's helpfull to you.

Hope you are seattling in
celtic

I can't thank you ladies enough for your support, especially since I've only been posting on this site for a short time.

Dianne has it on the nose with how I was raised. I'm working on that area, trying to hard breaks me down, though.

Like today, I started crying at work and had to step into the closet till the kids left. I just turned everything over to my coworker and I don't know what she thinks of me.

I called my old therapist while in the closet and he called me back. He talked me out of it and out of the closet. I told him how difficult it is to find a new "him" and he has agreed to see me Saturday morning. NOt looking forward to getting up early - again - but it's good to know someone is going to see me.

He wants me to take a few days off, but I can't. We are so short staffed and my supervisor went on a retreat.

I'm just going to put movies on for the kids and take my little tv so that I can watch the basketball tournament that I love. I need to focus on as many things that I like to do that I can, right now. I need to surround myself with colors I like and eat foods I like.

I need to get into my coping with a depression episode routine. That includes all of my favorites, as I've said, plus letting go of my negative feelings in a productive way.

It scares me when I cry or feel angry. But the crying jag I had lets me know that I need to do something physical. And I need to hold it in when I have to and let it out when I can. Like right now. Need to go have a good cry.

Thank you, dear ones, for opening up to me, for your words of encouragement and great advice.

Love to all,
Emily in Maryland

Emily, your health and well being is very important to us here. Many of us know what you are going through and want to be a source of strength for you. Remember we are here...genuinely here for you. You are our sister. We Love you and want to do all we can to help you. Sending love and prayer your way.

chick

Emily,
It sounds like you are getting very in tune with your needs. That is an awesome thing. Making the connection between crying and needing to be physical...very intuitive. Keep listening to yourself.

We are here for you.

Make sure to stay on your meds because the absence of them and especially after being on them for a while, can make you feel like you're losing your mind.

I would tell you to not force anything but let it evolve naturally. You don't hear fruit straining as it grows and you don't hear grass struggling as it grows and it's the same with us. Slowly and naturally. Yes, it takes time but like me, you probably have a lot to overcome and I'm here to tell you that it can be done. It takes work and dedication but you sound like you're ready for that.

If you aren't comfortable discussing this in the forum, feel free to PM me. I know the struggle so well.

Thanks Jane, Chick and Dianne for offering so much wisdom and for not making me feel uncomfortable about really letting my feelings out.

Confession: Diane, I did go off of my meds for around three weeks, so this is week one of being back on them. I was feeling go good. Won't do that again. Not worth all of this I'm now going through.

I like that analogy of not hearing grass struggling to grow or fruit either. Little words of wisdom like that really help me when I'm in deep. I can absorb them; it's more difficult to try to read a book on the subject of the "d" word. I can't even stand to say that word now.

And thanks Jane for pointing out that at least I'm in tune with my feelings. Just wish I was happy and didn't have the negative feelings. Maybe I'm being unrealistic.

It's just that since I've overcome depression before, I can't stand even feeling somewhat down, angry or anxious. It's like if I had had a heartattack, a gas pain would scare me.

Chick, you're loving words touch me, as do everyone's.

I'm usually a better writer than I am right now, but I'm just letting whatever come out. Not worried about spelling, either.

I will feel better if I acknowledge how I feel and stop wasting so much energy fighting and being angry at myself.

I'll get there, but right now the feelings are just overwhelming.

Hope I'm not upsetting anyone.

Love,

Emily in Maryland

Emily, you're not upsetting anyone. We're just glad we can possibly help you.

Yes Celtic...borrow away!