I wrote to Eagle, who wrote back to me and told me that I should feel safe about sharing something about myself here, in this forum.

I hadn't scrolled down to this health section and didn't even know it was here! I have to say, that if I had known about Eagle's brother, I would not have bothered her with my problems. I am touched by the compassionate responses to her challenge.

Here I go -- I'm taking the chance.

My family has a history of depression/anxiety and bi-polar and guess who inhereted that nasty gene? So, I have been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs for years. As they have evolved, I've gotten much better.

But, I just lost my therapist, who is moving on to another field of mental health. Two friends and my next door neighbor are moving. I'm feeling scared, more than sad.

Another revelation from me: my faith is very shaky do to being raised in a very strict church. I get anxiety attacks when I try to go to church. So, I have had to get close to God in my prayers, through reading, through nature. This probably sounds so ridiculous to most of you, but I sincerely get panic attacks. It's awful. I'm working on this, was working on this, when I lost my therapist.

Well, I'm making it to work. Then, pretty much going to bed. I need to get Eagle's book and I need to find help in locating a new therapist.

I don't want to say more at this time, as focusing on my feelings isn't helpful right now. I have to let time pass, take my meds, and keep talking to myself.

I just needed to let this out.

Emily in Maryland, who will make herself a cup of soothing tea!

Many of us on this site suffer from disorders so you will find compassion and understanding and I think you're very brave for opening up.

Can your therapist give you the name of another counselor?

It is so very true that many of us have disorders. You are in good company here. Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself.

You are experiencing so much change in your life right now. Take it slowly, and try, as hard as you can, to focus on all that you have to offer yourself and others. Please don't let all of this drag you down. And, keep taking those meds.

Thanks Grannie Annie,

I had stopped taking my meds. I do this on occasion. Not a good idea.

So, I'm back on them as of four days ago. Usually, it takes a week for them to kick in.

I also called a new therapist, but she hasn't called back yet to say if she can take another patient.

I particularly want her, but there are many in her practice.

Thanks for taking your time to answer my post.

Emily in Maryland

Dianne,

I forgot to thank you, also, for the encouraging words.

Thank you,
Emily in Maryland

Emjay, I'm so glad that you posted here. It's so hard to open oneself up in a relatively unknown environment. But I hope you have found/will continue to find that this is a powerful circle of women here, full of wisdom, compassion and caring.

I remember when I was spiralling down into my last breakdown. It was shortly after my Mom had died. I was totally, utterly, indescribably broken. On the advice of my GP I had stopped taking Effexor (cold turkey) one day, and started taking Wellbutrin the next day. WELL, there just isn't any adequate way to describe the hell that that caused. It was like electric shocks jolting my body - I was beyond bizarre. I had had to find my own therapist because my GP didn't know anyone to refer me to. I found one on the Internet, phoned him, left a message and then didn't hear back from him for days. While I was on this Effexor-Wellbutrin trip, I called him back and sobbed into the phone (well, his answering machine) that I wasn't going to be able to make it through another day (it felt true enough at the time). Every moment that passed was pure torture. But finally he did call back, and talked me through what had happened, assured me that it was the withdrawal that was causing this level of bizarreness, talked with me for about an hour, then made an appointment for the next day. He turned out to be a real life-saver for me, and was one of the best therapists I've ever had (and I too have suffered from chronic depression all my life).

Don't let that phone call to this new therapist go unanswered. Call again if she doesn't respond by tomorrow noon. And if she can't take you in, tell her that you really need someone now and ask if she can help redirect you to someone "just like her".

In response to what you've said about your faith, I'm finding that I'm really enjoying just spending time in God's presence - no rules, no formulas, no rigidity, total freedom to be just me, in all my weakness, in all my incapacitation, in all my "me-ness". That's where the presence of God lies first and foremost - not in the religious structures or rigid rules, but in the heart-to-heart presence, one-on-one, you and God, alone, just as you are. He speaks so gently and compassionately - I NEVER hear a word of condemnation or impatience from Him - when I just allow myself to soak in that warm love, and allow myself to dare to believe that He truly loves me JUST THE WAY I AM HERE AND NOW, it's amazing how that begins to change me from the inside out, not all at once, but slowly, day by day, one mangled thought after another. I don't want to intrude on your anxiety about your faith, all I want to do is assure you that you matter to Him, and that you don't have to be anything more or less than who/what you are right now. That's enough for Him, it's YOU He wants, not all that religiosity. I rarely get to church anymore, and I'm closer to Him than I've ever been in my entire life. And I rarely ever say a formulated prayer anymore - I love to talk with Him just as if He was my best friend.

Anyway, keep coming here and keep wrapping yourself in the care of the other women here. Keep us posted on what's happening with that therapist.

And I don't mind at all that you wrote to me, you were not and could not be a bother. Those of us who have suffered our own "dark night of the soul" know that it takes a community of wounded healers to help us find our way out of that quicksand that depression throws us into. We are part of your ladder out, along with the meds, therapist, other people in your life and, if you want Him to be, the One who loves you more than you could ever imagine.

EMJAY

its been said before but its worth saying again i commend your bravery in opeining up with your honesty. Talking about stuff and being meet and treated with compasion so very important to us and becomes more important if we are feeling vulrible. The benifits of talking can be great and varied and i hope that is what you find heer.

eagle is a wee darling and she genuinlie lives to aid people with words or stuff she can do, you may off helped eagle by allowing her to help you..i don't think you will have burdend her.

the panic attaks don't seem strange or rediculise as you put it....its part of whats happening to you at the minuet. The loss of your theripist and nabours bound to have you feeling extra vulrible and scared in the world. I hope that us women heer can provide some suport and help for you at this time. Good luck finding a new theripist and in your continue healling.

all my love at this time, celtic

Emyjay, if you are looking for understanding women, whether or not they can relate…you are definitely in the right place here.

Once in my life I experienced a panic attack. I think that's what it was. It was just horrible, and I hope you can keep yours under control.

Maybe it will help you when I tell you how I got my attack…and if you feel one coming on…think about my situation…and think OMG it could be worse!

This happened about 2 years ago. Hubby and I wanted to go on a bicycle ride. Just as we rolled our bikes out of the garage, a large group of neighbors on their bikes passed by. They stopped, turned around and said we should join them on their tour. Now, I do sports…but for some reason bike riding, especially up hill, does a number on my heart. I immediately said no, I would just slow down the group.

They all insisted we join them anyway, and that they aren't fast bikers. So off we went… I held my own for the first hour or so…but then I was getting tired. I caught up to my Hubby and told him I'm turning around, I've had enough. As I turned around, the entire group turned around too, and said no one should bike home alone.

Of course I told them no, but they insisted. Then one guy said he knew of a fantastic shortcut. This shortcut included a hill as high as Mt. Everest. Already at the bottom I thought I was dead. I got off the bike and started pushing. I was half jogging…just because I didn't want to slow anyone in the group. Well the 'peer' pressure and all was just too much for me. I started to hyper-ventilate, and was close to fainting. They all gathered around me, and some bright jerk said, maybe she should hang her head down? -- Hang my head down!!

Suddenly two men grabbed my legs, and two my arms, and they schlepped me to a dead tree trunk. They got up on the trunk and hung my head down like a bat! Mind you…I was in sheer panic and terror; couldn't get my breath … and thought my time is over on this earth. With my last bit of strength I kicked, so that two of the big heroes fell backwards behind the trunk.

They let me go and threw me like a bag of potatoes on the ground;… It healed me! I got my breath back, enough so to cry and laugh at the same time; really…and all this in front of our neighbors. ( I wanted to move afterwards…but Hubby was stubborn.)

Please Emjay, I'm not making light of your situation… I'm just saying sometimes humour is the best medication we have…and it's in our bodies to carry around whenever we need it. But yes! Do take your medication. It helps you stay strong and maybe see the lighter side of things.

Emyjay,

You are not alone...we're all here for you...I think it's wonderful that you are able to find/feel God in your surroundings and that you find comfort there...God doesn't just live in Church...sometimes I think too many of us believe that and leave him there as we close the door...LOL...I'd much rather see you draw comfort and strength from prayer and nature than experience guilt and fear in a structured Church service...be kind to yourself...you are loved...you are cherished...take care...

Thank you all, so much. I need your support. I'm having a challenging day and really don't want to go back to work.

But, I don't have a substitute, so I'll have to go on and do my best.

The lady Dr. has yet to return my phone calls (2). I'm going to do what Eagle did and just keep trying, maybe with a little more "heart" in my voice.

My church experience was rougher than I want to write at this time. Has anyone else on this board belonged to a negative church? Was anyone else raised in a very negative, scary church?

Wish I could talk to someone who has successfully replaced a condemning God with a loving, friendly, compassionate God. I'm trying, ladies, I really am. Some days are better than others in this area of my life. I have talked with some very kind ministers, who have told me that they have heard my kind of story before and that I need to "talk back" to the old ideas and replace them with new. This is so hard to do when I'm down -- easier when I'm feeling good.

Eagle - thinking of you and how much you love your brother

Everyone - thank you for accepting me just as I am.

Love to all,
Emily in Maryland