I'm sure your attraction to your ex stemmed from your relationship with your mother. Their personalities are a lot alike and your inner self recognized this. This combination can cause obsession sometimes.

My ex abuser was a lot like my dad and after therapy, I understood that was the draw. If I could get it right with the ex, it was like getting it right with my dad. And, until we finally "get it" we will continue to draw the same people into our lives.

You have to work out your relationship with yourself first. To continue to go back into situations that hurt us (your mother) is a form of self-abuse and must be something you think you deserve. I know I did. Until I stopped allowing these people to treat me the way they did, my story never changed.

You don't have to have a face to face or write a letter because the past is a very good indicator of the future. You've done that and was hurt again so why do it again? Because you keep hoping you'll get a different response.

Consider this: you are a better person because of the way she treats you. You have compassion for those who have been unloved by their role models, you can help others who have been abused, you have an understanding that was caused by your walk through fire. Use these things to help others and your own life will be healed.

Focus on what you have, not on what you don't have. As far as I know, you have a good paying job, are continuing your education, own your own house, have the love of your pets and even have a horse to ride. This can be your focus. You've done very well for yourself in spite of your mother.

I finally came to the realization that "we, are all we ever really have." Learn to love yourself, learn what you need for happiness and steer clear of people and circumstnces that make you sad or pull you down. Once you can begin to do that your life will brighten considerably.

Mustang, my heart ached when I read your post. You deserve better than that.

Everyone gave great advice. My take? Move as far away as possible. Don't visit your mom, ever. Can't your nieces stay with you once in a while? If physically moving (at least an hour away) is not feasible, change your phone # and unlist it.

I know this sounds cold, but she'll emotionally abuse you until the day she dies. You have to decide if it's really worth it.

Mustang,
I have a disfunctional family as well. They ain't gonna change so you need to find a new family. By that I mean we don't get to pick our family but we do get to pick our friends who can become our new family.

Get out there and find some friends who will treat you the way you deserve. You are a wonderful person and deserve to be loved.

Once you've found a good friend you can rely on to trade assistance with such as walking your doggie you'll be a much happier person.

Don't give your mom a key. That's just one more way she's in control and she doesn't deserve it and don't take her shopping with you anymore.

Listen to Diane, she knows.

Oh, and in my humble opinion, you don't owe her anything. Let the other sibs who she cares more about take care of her @$$ when she gets old and needs attention.



Did I say that? Well, I am serious. Where do these parents get off thinking their kids owe them when they were never there for them when they needed it?

I certainly wouldn't expect my kids to take care of me if I didn't take care of them.

::Laurel gets down from her soapbox and walks quietly away::

Laurel

Dianne, excellent insight and great advice.

Yes, parents can be hurtful. They are people with all their issues and problems -- whether or not they deal with them. Sometimes there is no way but minimalized contact, no matter how hard it hurts.

My parents have been gone for over 25 years, so I can't totally relate. However, my sister lives in NY and I live in CA and that's close enough for me -- especially since she won't get on an airplane! LOL!

But seriously, it's important, as many others have suggested, that you live your own life and begin making your own friends. Not everyone is like your mom. By having friends, you'll start getting the love and affection you are looking for from your mom -- who obviously can't give it to you -- for whatever reason.

in spirit,