Ladies, I've 'spoken' of the difficult relationship I have w/ my mother and family, which stems from childhood (emotional from parents, sexual from uncles) abuse that continued into adulthood by us girls marrying abusive men. I'm out of that relationship and have learned to disengage and set boundaries with my mother and other family members.

Through this process of setting boundaries, I've learned to control my responses and anger at the still hurtful things my mother says. For instance, I was not invited for Christmas dinner, so I entertained myself. For Christmas presents I mostly purchased gift cards. For the younger nieces I asked Mom what would they like and that's what I bought, and Mom bought the same thing, so I exchanged as necessary. I planned to take my niece to the museum, instead Mom took her, so I made other plans. I took Mom to lunch and we shopped for my kitchen furniture, yet later she complained to her husband. Also, she told the furniture store reps how much money I made and that I was expecting a raise, so we were just looking and if 'my daughter gets the pay raise, she'll come back and place the order'! I was so embarrassed! Then she said I need new bed linens and picked out a nice horse hunt scene, knowing I'm on a budget, afterall I'm awaiting that raise. So, I ask her how much, she replies half off! Again, I ask how much? It was about $800 w/out the decorative pillows! I just had to leave b/c by that time I could not breath and was feeling rather hot, think I saw some stars, too!

She calls me on New Years eve and abruptly asks why I have not picked up her dog b/c they are going to the lake for the holiday, yet this was the first I've heard and the last to know! I told her to bring over the dog and pick him up when they get back.

She informed me a few days ago that her husband (my step-father) is having heart surgery next Thursday, and I'm the last to know! This is major surgery! And she tells me as if she were asking me to pass the salt!

Tonight she actually volunteered to walk my dog after she gets off work today @ 4 PM, knowing that I have class tonight and would not be home until after 9 PM. I usually turn off my phone while in class, yet tonight I did not and she called me at 7:30 PM to inform me that the key no longer worked and she was unable to walk my dog! I was so mad and asked why had she not called me earlier when she arrived at my house as I could have given the exterior security code and she could have gained entrance through the garage! Poor dawg! She says she was only trying to help, yet caused more stress.

The last few times she tried to help my pergo flooring actually cracked as did my rear vehicle bumper!

Everything is the opposite with her and I truly belive it is intentional. She will drop everything and drive 100+ miles to help my siblings or a friend, yet cannot remember to include me in family holidays.

Recently, she invited me over to discuss the 2007 family vacation. Now, last year we planned our vacation to Disney World for Thanksgving 2006. Well, May 2006 they went and did not tell me until they returned that the vacation had been changed! Apparantly, my mother forgot to confirm the timeshare, thus the early vacation. My mother retired from Ma Bell (Bell South) after 30 years, and she can't figure out how to make a phone call?

Thanksgiving 2006 we usually meet at aunt/uncle across town and I'm told to bring 2 casseroles. My aunt asks why I brought two as she asked that we each bring one item, my mother complains that it was my idea! I bought Christmas tickets to an outdoor light show near the river and she complained even though I was paying! We took my two youngest nieces and they loved it.

She expects me to take care of her when her husband is not able, yet I don't want to. I love her, but don't like her very much. She and my biological father did not protect us from abuse and placed their 'things' and 'social lives' 1st. My sister and I raised ourselves.

So enough of that. Is it my responsibility to take care of a parent(s) that did not do the same for a child(ren)? I feel that keeping the boundaries guarantees my sanity.

Due to circumstances I've become a loner, not the type to have a bunch of friends, have learned to not worry about what others think about me (well almost), am learning to be true to myself, I try not to snow or dazzle anyone.

Her attempts to help cause stress and financial costs when she 'accidently' damages my property. When the later occurs, she simply says well you did much worse things as a child. Well, thats just it, I was a child, I'm a responsible adult now and she is a 60ish year old child/martyr.

Nothing I accomplish is ever good enough. Thus, why do I feel guilty for not wanting to take care of her as says I must do? I feel it is her responsibility to make the appropriate plans, I believe it is a selfish request and don't want to speak of it again with her. I will not allow emotional blackmail, as a child she did this, it cannot continue.

I'll stop. Am I being unreasonable? Gosh, here I go questioning myself again! Is this not what an abuser wants a victim to do?

Yet, please do pray for my step-father's surgery next week.

Thanks for listening again Ladies.

Hi, MustangGal: Firstly, your reaction is not unreasonable at all. It takes a hard heart not to feel the same way as you do especially if the conduct which hurt comes from one you love. I believe that in all relationships, when it gets too taxing, hurtful and the whole affair becomes too exhausting to balance, one could be allowed to dust one's sandals and disassociate, not for long, but for a short while, for a breath of fresh air. Sometimes, one might just have to if only to save oneself from further hurt. Your attempts at communication seems to fail to resolve anything and instead, causes you further pain. "Save your breath to cool your porridge" might be apt for when the other party has failed to listen. Can you, for the moment, love from a distance? Is there anyone else in the immediate family you are more closer to and wherefrom you can still connect?

Great advice Lola. Exactly that advice has helped me many times. Making a distance between yourself and the one who hurts you is often more powerful than words.

Mustang, I've been there with one of my sons. The only thing that truly helped was getting my life back for myself. You and only you are responsible for your life and the way you allow yourself to be treated.

You said you were always a loner. Maybe you should try to actively change that. Get out there, join clubs, meet people. And when Mom gets a whim to call; -- hey…you don't have the time. It's very hard in the beginning…sort of like quitting smoking,; but you know it's good for you, and you have to change your life for your own good.

All the best speedy recovery wishes for your step-father.
Hannelore

Mustang, I am holding your Step-Dad in prsyer. Your post made me hurt for you. I wish things were different between you and your Mom. How is your overall relationship with your Step - Dad?

chick

We've discussed this before...you need to walk away and stop allowing yourself to get pulled back in. Send cards on holidays, birthdays, etc but other than that, stay away. I know from experience.

I've always heard that people (family) who hurt us do so because, THEY KNOW THEY CAN. We allow them to get away with it. Seems that sometimes a family member strikes out at us and they do so because they KNOW we love them and will allow it. Your Mom knows you love her, but for your own heart's sake, DON'T allow it.

Walk away from the situation and give yourself some room. The advice given above is excellent. I've also found that "older" people who have a habit of doing this do not change. It only gets worse as they get older. Save yourself NOW.

You are the only YOU, you've got.

There's a book called Taking Care of Your Parents when They Didn't Take Care of You. I've never read it. I've only heard about it. You may want to check it out on Amazon and see if it would help. The subtitle has something to do with making peace so it might not be the right book. Just a suggestion.

Your post is heartbreaking. You do not deserve to be treated like that. No one does.

What do you ladies think of writing a note to her parents to explain the hurt through the years? Would that be helpful?

Maybe just writing the letter and venting through it would help. I don't know if sending it would be written amunition that could be used against you, yet again.

Geez, I feel like setting up an Adopt a Mom website. I sure could use a Mom figure to converse with sometimes, now that mine has passed on.

Well, to get back on topic, Mustang, have you ever had a one-on-one heart to heart, no interruptions with your Mom? Is it possible. maybe you could read the 'letter' to her without actually passing it over to her.

Yours is a post that has captured me. I wish I could snap my fingers...

Luv,
chick

I feel it will give her mother yet another chance to upset her. People like her are never wrong.

I too don't think I would mail the letter, or share it with anyone. It would/could possibly be theraputic in nature though.

I doubt very seriously that showing or reading Mom the letter would change a lifetime of dare I say it, abuse?