Well, I never thought I'd require soliciting advice from a message board, but here I am. *sigh*

I am contemplating divorce and it's heartbreaking to say the least. I'll try and put this in a "Reader's Digest" version.

Hubby and I married at age 23, have three children (for the record, used three different methods of birth control...guess God had other plans!) He had trouble holding a job, we fought while I worked two and rarely three jobs while pregnant each time. After a fight about money (go fig)...he did what he would usually do which was walk out. At that time, I told him I was tired of his running away to come back like nothing happened, no resolution ever...just "ignore it and it will go away" mentality, and if he walked out the door, I would file for divorce. He didn't believe me. I filed for divorce, stayed with my parents which was awful. After birth of 3rd child was on my own after a year. I was making 17k a year and my pride didn't allow me to use any type of public assistance. It was terrible.

I was awarded supervised visitation and did not make it easy for him. He did rise to that occassion. He was using marajuana prior to the divorce and was a source of our money problems. While he continued to use, he never missed time with the kids. He attempted to get sole custody, but with no job and the refusal to take a drug test, that is how I obtained the supervised visitation. Also, he was always behind on support.

To his credit, he was always there for the children. It was heartbreaking for me, because he was always available to the kids. Two years pass, we were civil, he stopped smoking and we got along well. Money always seemed the stressor in the marriage. I was working in radio, and one day he came to me and asked me if I could be a stay at home mother and if he enlisted in the military, would I consider marrying him again and putting the family back together.

I agreed. While in the military he had an affair. I only have proof of one, but suspect there were at least two others. I demanded counselling, he went and lied through all of it. I caught him by setting up a bogus email from the woman I suspected the affair with, and he told her it was over. Not much of a consolation considering he had me conviced I was crazy. But, through God's grace, we got through it.

Our kids are well adjusted, great students, no behavior issues, ect.... He decides to get out of the military after 11 years. We moved back to hometown where I was offered a radio gig again.

Cutting to the chase out of the past 2 years we have been back, he was unemployed for the first 7 months, got a job and was fired after 11 months, unemployed again for 5 months, got a job and is in his probation period and his review was awful. He's been informed that he has 30 days to "learn it" or he's gone. It's factory work, not brain surgery.

I know God hates divorce, but I am sooooooo tired. Our children are 19,16,15 and 9. We cannot even meet basic needs. A car is always breaking down, we need dental work done, behind in payments on just about everything but our rent.

I have been blessed at my job, but only make about 32k a year. Is it possible to raise four children on that and not live in a dangerous part of town?

I don't want to use public assistance, because being in radio, my name is fairly recognisable. {I hope that doesn't sound like an inflated ego talking...my pride...probably...but just a silly fact that my name is known around town.) "Hi, I'm "blah blah from xyz radio...here's my food stamps!" I feel so shameful. I'm not looking for vacations in the Bahamas...but I would like to live in a safe neighborhood and drive (not new) but dependable transportation. I have recently found out he's been buying Rx pain killers from a "friend of his" because his legs really hurt him from having to stand all day on the job. *eye roll*

Am I stuck? I don't even know where to look for resources. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I feel like a complete nincompoop!

Also, sorry this ended up being the posting equivalant to "War and Peace". *groan*

Thanks in advance,
starryeyes

You divorced him once why not again? He doesn't sound like any kind of a positive addition to your life so maybe its time to cut the cord so to speak and move on. Imagine him suddenly being sick or injured and not being able to contribute even what he does now and your being stuck taking care of him FOREVER more! Oh bite my tongue....the children are old enough to understand and if they want a relationship with their dad they can have one. Until you straighten out your life there will be no happiness, no new someone to love and take care of you so best to get started...Oh and welcome to boomers starryeyes and I liked War and Peace so never you mind, it takes whatever it takes to say what we need to say...

Hey, chatty lady! *warm smile* Thanks for taking the time. You have hit the nail on the head as to "were I am" in all this right now.

The thing I'm really hung up on his that VOW I spoke before God. Sickness, health, better for worse, richer, poorer...*sigh*

Then I think, "Yeah, I said, for better or worse...not farce!"

That's when the wheels on my bus start going 'round and 'round....*blech*

I need to figure out how I can support my children. Dammit, where the heck IS Ed McMahn already?!!! *wry chuckle*

Well starryeyes, I finally gave up on Ed McMahn, the Publishers Clearing House van, the Lottery and various Casino jackpots here in Vegas. If it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. DRAT!! Ever heard the old saying; God helps them who helps themself? That was my wake-up call as my ball and chain was only being kept around out of my fear of not being able to take care of things financially, BUT I got to tell you I was able to raise two sons alone and still though hard at times we made it. My sons pitched in with part time jobs and bought alot of their own things, big help! It is easier than you can imagine and you have a good job to be thankful for. There is no peace on earth like peace of mind. Once you've attained that, all else falls into place rather simply .

[ March 12, 2006, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

starryeyes, welcome to BWS.

I hope you find the encouragement you need to make the necessary changes that will bring you complete happiness.

Hang around and other women who are either going through, or have gone through something similar will be here to share more.

Until, love yourself!

Thanks so much, ladies. It's the providing/financial issues that have me spooked the most.

Ugh. Why can't he just get his collective crap together? *grrrrrrr*

Dear Starryeyes,

I am sorry to read of your predicament. What a tough choice you have ahead of you. But I think you already know what you have to do and maybe you just needed to get your story out on this forum where you could view it from a vantage point outside your own head. We ladies can (and I'm sure will) offer you our emotional support,lend an ear to vent your frustrations, and like Dotsie said, hope that you find the encouragement you need to do what has to be done. But let's face it - the tough choice ahead is ultimately yours alone, whether it be to end your marriage, or stick with it for the moment.

And I do mean for the moment, because the only sure thing I know about life these days is that it constantly changes. Nothing ever stays the same, and now that you have voiced your feelings you may no longer have the patience to put up with your situation at home. The fact that you realize you've been clinging to your marriage because of financial concerns may no longer carry as much weight now as it did when your husband was contributing more to the financial health of your family. And that puts a whole new spin on the picture. The fact that your husband has been there for the children is wonderful (believe me - I am jealous!), but that does not make the rest of the problems go away.

You say that God hates divorce, but I believe that God does not want us to squander our lives away either. And what will you have to contribute to your children or the rest of the world if you are mired in resentment and bitterness? You have a lot to share with people, and certainly being in radio is a wonderful platform to reach out to others. You never know where that will take you with a positive attitude and a fresh outlook on life. I was nearly devastated by the dissolution of my own marriage,but in some ways it was a huge relief not to have to deal with a level of stress and tension that I did not even realize I carried around with me on a daily basis. And peace of mind is something that you cannot put a pricetag on. The rest will come in time with hard work and determination.

Keep those starry eyes, but please temper them with a dose of reality. You will be in my thoughts.

Foundhervoice-atlast

During my divorce, I was broke too and was forced into getting food stamps. My kids had to eat. But now, they don't give stamps but a card, it looks just like a credit card, that you swipe through the machine. So, nobody but you will know.

I know the ego/shame thing. I was Mrs. Arizona and using food stamps. It's just something you work through and in the end, it takes a lot of financial stress off your shoulders.

StarryEyes, I'm living it right now. Even if you struggle it's STILL better than struggling with him pulling you down. I would think being in radio would give you opportunities to develop outside income that the rest of us can't get to. As a radio celeb. couldn't you do speaking engagements ect capitalizing on your name to bring in extra income?

Or maybe product endorcements? Or use your celeb status to land a better gig at a competing station?

Take an accurate inventory of what you have/what you think you would have after divorce and devise a way to live within that budget. As we get older we seem to need more or nicer--try to remember what it was like when you first were starting out--I'll bet your standards were lower then and you survived just fine! Look for areas you can cut back in. Start applying for college grants now so you have $$for college when your children are ready to go to school.

You'll be just fine. You did it before and you can do it again. The first time round was 'basic training' for the real thing. Just take the time to make the right decision and then move forward. Take it one step, one day at a time. God will watch over you.

starryetes go to the Singlehood thread below and read what all the newly single and experienced singles have to say....its an eye opener...