Has anyone ever read this book by Hope Edelman? www.hopeedelman.com

After 32 years, I do not believe I've handled Mom's death yet. No counseling back then and I still cry for her and miss her terribly. But, maybe this is normal.

Anyone care to share?

Well, as I was coming down the stairs to come online a few minutes ago, I passed a picture of Mom on the wall (a picture I pass dozens of times every day) and just suddenly started crying. It's been six years since she died, but I would have to say that the agony of absence just gets worse with time. I guess that what time heals is the ability to go for longer stretches between the bouts of profound sadness, and perhaps to bounce back faster now than in the beginning.

It's been 11 years. I miss her terribly. I do have longer stretches between periods of sadness like Eagle Heart said, but then when it hits, it's really tough. Today was. . .hard.

My mother is still alive and generally well. She is a woman with a tempestuous behaviour. But a part of me dreads just how I would respond when I lose her one day.

About 10 years ago, I read Hope Endleman's book, Motherless Daughters with some interest, only because I have a mother who raised her family.

And I wondered what it would be like to lose a mother, particularily for young children.

Strange as it may seem , the book deepened my appreciation for my mother and all her flaws. I have a good friend my age, who lost her mother to a car accident about 15 years ago. Death occurred at a time where the adult children still were struggling with reconciling between their domineering mother vs. what she was like as a woman on her own terms.

I went to the wake..and found the euology meaningless..it spoke volumes that much was regrettably not resolved between mother and children.

My partner's ex has a close friendship with his mother still many years after the divorce. It's something I've never felt threatened and neither woman has ever played their relationship against me.

How could ever I feel threatened? His ex's mother died when she was 16. So her divorced hubby's mother serves her well as the missing mother.

I have written in the past about my Mom and it is that which I would like to share.

"Hi, Anne: It is indeed an uplifting experience to share our differences and, in the process, staggeringly wonderful to discover only oneness than divisiveness with the spirituality of those who have shared. And within the many forms of its expressions, spirituality has shown to transcend borders beyond doctrines and the four walls of the churches where some choose to worship or are members of. As Dotsie has mentioned, Churches are imperfect. As Maya Angelou implies, it is not about spiritual upmanship. But it was something that Lynnie touched upon that gave me a lot to think about and reflect on as a result of my own personal experience: spirituality is one with all God has created.

When Mom died, I thought of how a person I had always looked up to, and was in all aspects larger than life for me,would now be reduced to dust. Even from the depths of my own faith, I found it very difficult to cope with the sadness of losing a parent once again. Dad had only just passed away a few years before but Mom was around and we supported each other in our loss. She did more of that than I could ever have done for her. When Mom's time came, I had to experience the all too soul-wrenching sadness once again. Made sadder still, for it was the demise of my greatest guardian and spiritual counsellor which meant that I had to face up to loss on my own. As my sisters and I prayed in gratitude for a wonderful mother God gave us, I looked at all the flowers and the dirt in the pots in which they came. I realised then that my mother's body, which when alive only bore significance to those who knew her, would soon be one with all the ashes and the earth of this world.

I have never gotten over the loss of my Mom. And I miss her more and more as I grow older and pass into grandmotherhood, the joyful experience of which I always wish for the opportunity to have shared with her. But, from the few words that Lynnie had shared, it has now given more clarity to bare soul searching outside the catechism one was taught and be able to touch spirituality on a level which I have not given possibilities to consider that Mom, even in death, continues to be part of God's creation. My Mom's physical presence had simply gone on a greater journey and would swirl with time. The soil of the earth on which I stand will always share its humble status to the pedigree as that of my Mom's. And in that state of being, I will always find a refection of her amongst the most natural of all things and of God's creation.

And Lynnie, once again, I am glad you did not hesitate to post. Many thanks for sharing."

I wonder why it is that even as adult women we still adore, admire and love our mothers unconditionally. Unconditionally? Maybe that’s it. I wonder if sons feel that way towards their mothers? I think men are different. They don’t have that soul mate thing with their moms.

People come and go in our lives; even some husbands, siblings and our children, but our mothers always remain there for us, either in the background or involved in our lives, which ever way we like it. They just accept and are there for us, with out any expectations or demands. Of course I’m just speaking from my own experience, but I would think it’s the same for most of you as well.

Whenever I read posts about the pain of losing ones Mom it makes me terribly sad. I know I’ll probably be just like you gals, and never really get over it. I always have a feeling I’m not doing quite enough for my Mother. But according to everyone else, I do too much. Is there a too much? As some of you know, this is an ongoing problem with my husband. He doesn’t like my mother, for no reason other than jealousy. Oh well. We have rehashed that problem in some other old posts.

Just today I read an advertisement for a cruise through the Norwegian Forges. I would love to do this with my Mom this coming summer. She has been wishing this for years, but my husband has literally forbidden me to go. He won’t come along, and he said this will cause a big split in our marriage if I go away for a couple of weeks with my mother. But after reading all your posts, I’m afraid I may regret not going after my mother closes her eyes for the last time. And then I’ll never forgive my husband.

I’m going to check out the details, and make sure the commute to the ship won’t be too exhausting for my mother. On the ship is no problem,…it’s just getting there and back.

My heart goes out to all you who have lost a parent. My Dad died when I was 23, but I still feel his presence when I need his advice. Funny, I just thought about how attached he was to his own mother. He wrote her a letter once a week. So I guess there are always exceptions to the rule.

Thanks, All, I really thought I had problems with still crying for her. The four of us (her kids), needless to say, had a HARD time. We were 16, 18, 21, 22. And Dad, well, he retreated into himself in mourning and depression. He still dreams of her, he tells me. She was our rock.

A friend, not long ago, mentioned that it is especially hard for daughters to lose mothers. We are not yet "finished" with our bonding".

Then, the sad thing is, at least for me, I never got to finish growing up. My poor DH has had to deal with that in addition to us growing old together. In my heart, not having been blessed with children, a LOT of my problems are due to not having to share my life (as a mother), not needing to give (still selfish) and not being forced to grow up. Plus, having had a hysterectomy, then taking myself OFF HRT does not help either.

So, yes, I am a mess. The only thing I can do is make soap.....which helps me not be nervous, fills my time that I control, no one helps (my time for ME), I control the designs (DH does help with ideas, yes).

A mess, in plain English!

Anne, that first year of "firsts" is brutal, excruciatingly brutal. I just couldn't face Christmas this year, which is why we're taking a cruise - what better place to cry my way through the day than in the swimming pool in the middle of the Caribbean!

No matter where we would choose to be, it could not possibly be far enough away from the pain, so we picked a "somewhere" we've all wanted to go, and the Panama Canal was it. Beats the ice and snow!

There is no way to avoid this pain, and numbing it just postpones the inevitable - and causes its own avalanche of other problems, depending on what you use to numb yourself against the agony. But you can try to figure out (in advance) ways to at least cushion yourself from those jagged edges - is there anyplace you can escape to? Maybe a short cruise or even helping to serve meals at a homeless shelter (I know, it's probably the last place you think you'd feel like being, but you'd be surprised at how quickly the day will pass while helping others get through it too).

My heart is with you too...one thing I did the first Christmas after Mom died was carry in my pocket for the entire day a list of people to pray for whenever my sadness started to overwhelm me - especially the names of Boomer sisters here who were also facing a rough Christmas for their own reasons. It helped too! It really helped to know that I wasn't alone in my "agony of absence" and inability to fully enter into the Christmas celebrations.

I will certainly be doing the same this year, though it will be from a deck chair at the pool (no pockets, but all of the names will be imprinted on my heart).

those were lovilie words eagle and some good practical suggestions.

ANNA327, i hope you get through all the hilidays the best you can and with the best of care that you can give to yourself, its alreadie been said but the "first of's" reallie have a toughness of of their owen. In saying that they are also special(days) in their owen way.
I don't know if it be of any comphort but i think our loved ones (whomever they are) are with us at all the important dates, the first batch of holidays being such a time.