"You're So Vain"...Celebrating Physical Changes - Do Zucchini Bread and Carrot Cake Qualify as Vegetables?

Marsha Jordan, zany grandmother and undiscovered shower singer, began her writing career on the walls of St. Joseph's Catholic School. Her book, Hugs, Hope, and Peanut Butter earned an endorsement by Phyllis Diller and honorable mention in The World’s Funniest Humor Contest. Jordan and her rocket scientist husband have been held hostage in the north woods of Wisconsin for over 30 years.  They share an empty nest with a strong willed toy poodle, King Louie, who rules the house with an iron paw. Vist Marsha at www.hugsandhope.org.Email Jordan at hugsandhope@gmail.com

Do Zucchini Bread and Carrot Cake Qualify as Vegetables?

I received a phone call from a peeping Tom pleading with me to lower my shades. He said he was trying to eat. I knew it was time to get into shape. 

As I’ve aged, I’ve packed on more weight. Even the Roman Numeral for 40 is XL. But the older I get, the tougher it is to take off  those extra pounds. My body and my fat have gotten to be really good friends. Actually, age isn’t to blame…chocolate is. I must be allergic to it because when I eat it, I break out in fat all over and my clothes shrink.

I considered two options for dealing with my weight. I could either fatten up everyone around me so I'll look thinner, or I could exercise. So far the only exercises I’ve done are breathing in place, and aerobic eating. And if fork lifts were a competitive sport, I’d win gold metals. Desperate to lose weight, I decided to exercise.

Swimming sounded good; but shopping for a suit was a near-death experience. I was horrified at the cellulite-riddled body I saw in the dressing room mirror. Didn’t my skin used to fit? Then I looked at the suit from behind and saw my back. I discovered I finally have cleavage. Jogging also turned out to be a health hazard. I tried, but my thighs rubbed together and set my underwear on fire. Now when I consider jogging, my toes vote against me, ten to one.

Hopeful, I signed up for a Boot Camp class at the YMCA. If nothing else, it would take me away from cooking and cleaning, which I’ve successfully avoided for three years. The instructor said we start at 4 am before our brains figure out what we’re doing. Brilliant! She said, “Get in touch with and listen to our bodies. Mine immediately sent me a clear message, "Listen blubber gut, if you do the push ups and sits up, prepare to DIE!"

The first day I pulled a fat cell. I was so sore I could barely crawl to the kitchen for eight square meals a day. The muscles in my stomach –the ones covered with a protective layer of flab -- felt like the entire Romanian army marched over them. When I injured my knee, I couldn’t exercise, so I tried lifting weights. My arm muscles were so sore I could only brush my teeth by setting the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth.

Then I hurt my back. I knew I couldn’t loose weight and get fit without running, jumping, twisting or bending, so I considered the rowing machine. With my luck, I'd probably sink it. I nixed working out.Pushing 60 is enough exercise for me. If God had wanted me to touch my toes, they’d be located near my belly button. Besides, I WILL be able to touch my toes soon, even without exercise, simply by growing my fingernails another nine inches.

I know that those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end, and the only exercise that doesn't hurt is lifting extra large Hershey bars...so next I focused on what I put into my mouth.

The first thing I did was trash the women's magazines in my house; each containing one new diet, and each with 400 recipes for fattening foods. Next, I purchased the newest diet book. I didn't like the sound of the one titled, "How to Lose Twenty Pounds Fast," by X.R. CISE, so I chose "Diet to Leave Your Fat Behind," by Phatt Buttz.

From the first page, this book was a disappointment. It stressed that vegetables are a must for dieters; however, zucchini bread, carrot cake, and pumpkin pie, do not count as vegetables. Life is so unfair.The good news was you can eat all you want, as long as you eat it with naked, fat people, and use only one chopstick. It also includes  a recipe for an amazing new weight loss discovery:  PIG  EAR SOUP. They say it's EAR-resistible.

Next was a visit to my doctor. He suggested the rubber chicken diet. That's all you eat for three months and you're sure to lose weight. I said get serious because it would be wonderful to zip my jeans without cutting off the blood supply to my brain, fainting from lack of oxygen, or feeling like my intestines are coming out my ears. I was crushed when he said a balanced diet does not mean a cupcake in each hand. After some discussion, he suggested "the golfer's diet," which means you should stay on greens as much as possible.

Yeah, right. Everybody knows Jack found a giant on a beanstalk, and just look at what happened to Alice when she ate the mushroom. Next was making three lists: one with my ten favorite foods, one with my five favorite drinks, and one of all the vegetables I could think of that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or little trees, adding I should avoid lists one and two; and eat only what’s on list three. When I explained that dieting makes me tired and I get worn out just from dialing long distance, he gave me pep pills. They made me eat faster. His parting comment was, "The second day of your diet will be much easier than the first; because by the second day, you're off it." So much for medical science.

The NUMBER ONE reason for people failing at diets is FOOD, so I placed my bathroom scale in front of my refrigerator and hung a sign that read, “If it tastes good, spit it out!” Dieting is certainly no piece of cake. Since the moment I started, I've had an insatiable appetite for junk food. After eating six pounds of extra crunchy Cheetos, hubby asked what happened to the Cheetos. With a look of innocence AND orange teeth, I replied, “How should I know?”

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat. The husband likes doughnuts, pies, and cookies; and he buys them even when I won't. If I abandon my diet to eat with him, would I be considered a DESSERTER? And don’t believe people who say a couple M & M's will satisfy a chocolate craving. They just make me want entire truckloads. One good thing about M & M's though is that you can’t eat a lot of them, because they take forever to peel.

I was able to lose a few pounds when I first began my diet -- only  because I put Tabasco sauce on every morsel. I knew I was still consuming too much fat when I cut my leg shaving and gravy poured out.

Dieting is just too hard. I have a friend who lost fifty pounds and now she looks fifty years older. She no longer has fat to stretch out her wrinkles. Who wants more wrinkles? I already have more chins than a Chinese phone book.

I’m thick and tired of the whole diet/exercise routine. What I need is full body lyposuction. For now, I’m thinking of remaining fat. Life shouldn’t have to be a constant battle between carrot sticks and Snickers bars. Besides, my oversized stomach has dual purposes; a knee warmer and serving tray. Also, in this slow economy, I need to consider how being fat could increase my financial stability. I would probably make a million bucks as an opera singer. I have the body, now all I need is a hat with horns. Yeah, I'm giving up fighting flab and instead, I'm painting a racing stripe on my fork.