"Take A Walk On The Wild Side"...Dating - Blind Dates

Georgia Richardson – Queen Jaw Jaw is The Queen of Experiences and author of “A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Throne,” Star Publish, May 2005. Her monthly columns appear in Shoals Woman, Penwomanship, and The Monthly View magazines. Visit her Queendom at http://www.queenjawjaw.com and read her “Lunch Hour Specials.” Don’t forget to “paws” a while and see what her good friend and writer-dog Trixie, a.k.a., da Trixster, has been up to. Georgia can be reached at Gjawjaw1@aol.com.

Blind Dates

Why am I beginning to feel like the “Queen of Experiences?” Make that, “bad” experiences. This blind date thing, is it every woman’s nightmare or what?

First of all, friends and family members reason that if you’re single, you’re lonely, and, therefore, not capable of attracting the opposite sex, so they take matters into their own hands. Suddenly, their life’s mission is finding you the perfect mate. Ladies…pay attention and repeat after me. There is no such thing as the perfect mate and yes; people can be single and happy. Why, I have even known a few singles that actually got dates on their own.

Besides, with very few exceptions, people who are paired on blind dates usually spend most of the evening hiding out in restaurant bathrooms, or secretly plotting the slow, painful death of the friend who insisted, “This is the one.”

On one such date, I spent so much time in the bathroom, the friend who arranged this evening of bliss commented the next day, “I am so sorry, I didn’t realize you had a bladder problem. You know they make products for things like that” and wrinkled her nose. She assured me my Elvis impersonator of the previous night wouldn’t dare pass on my so-called medical condition to any of our mutual friends. He did. I received five get-well cards that week and one coupon for Depends. As Elvis would say, “thank you, thank you very much.”

I love it when date missionaries say things like, “Oh come on, what have you got to lose?” Oh gee, I don’t know, how about cab fare home after Romeo asks if you agree with supporting your man? And what about this one, “I knew you wouldn’t mind so I gave Joe Bob Junior your home number.” YOU DID WHAT?

Partly out of curiosity, and partly because you think well…maybe…just maybe this one might be different, you go ahead and accept when Junior calls. Mr. Right shows up in a leisure suit, and you know immediately, you’ve got the “Green Wiener.” You smile, silently vow never to accept another blind date as long as you live, and if your patron saint tries once more to make a love connection, she must die.

Somehow you get through the evening. Plotting revenge takes time and can be rewarding, but watching someone eat spaghetti, a side order of turnip greens, pinto beans and Jell-O, while reliving his adventures as the State Champion Mechanical Bull Rider, well…this can simply keep one spellbound.

Girls, take my advice. The next time a friend says, “He has the best personality!” and puts emphasis on the word “best,” look out. You can take it to the bank; this guy is someone only a Mother could love. Tell your friend you have a rare, incurable disease and only six months to live. Of course…knowing my girlfriend Vicki, she would say, “That’s too bad, but since you don’t want a long-term commitment anyway, what have you got to lose?”