"If I Could Save Time In A Bottle"...Embracing Our Authentic Selves - Vegetables Are Fattening

Mary V. Kolar began writing seriously since she hit the hallmark age of fifty. She is meeting with success as many of her stories are published. She continues to broaden her writing horizons. Visit her at www.maryvkolar.com to learn more about her writing endeavors.

Vegetables Are Fattening

My friend shrunk. It didn’t make her less of a friend, but her annoying ratio went up considerably. Ex-smokers have nothing over ex-eaters. She had the quick weight loss surgery. I'm too much of a coward to even consider it. Her newest thing is the insistence that I eat fruits and vegetables. She cares about me. She’s concerned some of the highlights of my weekends are spent in my recliner, looking at my legs, trying to figure out where my knees went.

Her birthday was approaching. I was at a loss for what to buy her. In years past, it was no problem. I always took her to The Kingly Table, a great all you can eat buffet where we fed ourselves royally until we waddled out. Now that her waist has shrunk to approximately the size of my right thigh, she didn’t want to go to our traditional dinner. It was just as well. It would be a waste of money. Throw a lettuce leaf at her and she chomps on it happily as though it was a full course dinner – quite a disgusting display.

So, because she is my friend and has been for at least two decades, and because she is nagging me to distraction with her stupid fruits and vegetables, I gave her my solid promise that I would eat them for one whole week. This was my gift to her. She was ecstatic, delighted, elated, and amazed. You would have thought I gave her a trip to Hawaii. She made me weigh in. She promised that I would be delighted to see the results of my eating natural foods at the end of week. Frankly, it’s perfectly natural for me to frequent the frozen food section, the bakery and the deli at my grocery store. I knew about natural foods.

I went to the store and found the vegetables. They live in the aisle past the bakery. I don’t ever recall going that far in that direction. Why would I? I wondered if apple turnovers counted as fruit.

I had made a promise. If nothing else, I am true to my word. I ventured into the unexplored territory of healthy eating. I found self-righteous people in that area of the supermarket. They poked and prodded produce as if choosing a new internal organ, wanting to make sure it was going to be the perfect fit. I could see how proud they were as they triumphantly snapped their selections into their baskets. These folks don’t just put the item in the basket. It’s more like a wrist snap. You can almost hear a harp of holiness playing in the background as the perfectly ripened cherries are placed next to the firm zucchini. I looked twice and wondered what exactly does one do with a zucchini?

I wandered down an aisle and found apples. I believe I ate one once as a child for Halloween. Maybe I was ten-years-old. I looked around and found what makes an apple interesting. Caramel coating! Great. I snapped the apples in the cart (wondering why my harp music sounded like Chubby Checker) and tossed the caramel dip in right after it. Next, I found bananas. They make your teeth feel funny. That’s why I quit eating them. A packet was located in a rack above the bananas with instructions on how to make banana smoothies. Now that sounded wonderful. Perhaps this healthy eating wouldn’t be so bad after all. I saw strawberries in the next aisle over. A woman in her fifties was carefully looking over the green boxes they were packaged in. She was wearing a halter-top with bicycle shorts. I pulled my oversized gray t-shirt over my stretch jeans and thought she really should dress her age. Once she wiggled off, I checked out the strawberries. I was clueless about choosing ripe ones. I poked and prodded and finally decided on a large box. I was about to head off toward the vegetables when I saw the chocolate dip. I bought two boxes. I also bought three packages of strawberry shortcake pastries and added whipped cream to my list.

The vegetables were next. I bought carrots and made a note to pick up some brown sugar and butter, which were great on carrots. I picked up a few good size potatoes to hold my sour crème, butter and cheese. The corn-on-the-cob was already husked, and I could almost taste the butter dripping down my chin as I snapped a bag of them into my cart… beginning to feel a bit self-righteous. I picked up a few bags of salad, and then added dried cranberries, sliced almonds, walnuts, and two large bottles of ranch dressing.

The following week, we met as planned. On my grocery receipt I highlighted all the fruits and vegetables that I bought to prove I had lived up to my end of the bargain. She was delighted and was quite anxious to have me step on the scale. I hoisted myself up there and discovered that I had gained six pounds.

So, don’t let all this talk about vegetables being healthy fool you. They are fattening and will make you gain weight. I can prove it. From now on, I’m sticking to the natural food – in the frozen food section!