Dianne, if I was to find myself in a situation where I am having a conversation with a victim. How could I best comfort her?

I understand the, "why don't you just leave?" part. In the beginning of my marriage, about after a year, I realized I made a mistake. I have been mentally and verbally abused. I felt like a loser and couldn't do anything right. I then was trying to find a way out, develop a strategy. Then I found myself pregnant with Sofia. I then thought, maybe a baby will turn him around. I have seen this in real life many times. How men and women change when they have a child. During my pregnancy, he became worse and made me feel fat. He would look at me in disgust. Again, I realized this wasn't going to work, but what can I do? I just couldn't pick up and leave. On top of it, I was having a very difficult pregnancy which required me to rest most of the time. His reaction, "women have been having babies for years, why can't you handle it?" Needless to say, I had to be hospitalized because I was eclamptic and had seizures. I needed an emergency C-section because the baby was in trouble by that time. Whilst in the hospital, his comments were, "you're so lucky you get to lay around all day, while I have to go and work." This all made me feel so small and worthless.

Anyway, numerous times I had tried to leave him and then he would get really panicky and beg me to stay. That he couldn't live without me and he would try to change. My parents did nothing but complain about what kind of a husband he was. But when it came down to me leaving, they would want to hear his side of the story. Then they would join the chorus of "give him a chance". I stopped working when I became pregnant and didn't start until she was 2 years old. On and off I had been working because he couldn't handle his part of taking care of her.

Dotsie, you met him, doesn't he seem like a nice person? This is how he presents himself to others, so that places a negative on me.

As I stated earlier, I left him about 3 years ago. I had everything working against me. I couldn't find work, and I was so emotionally drained, all I wanted to do was cry and sleep, cry and sleep. My daughter wanted to stay with me, even though she was leaving a nicer house behind. It was always me and her, me and her doing things together while she was growing up. His #1 priority was playing tennis and hanging our with his friends. Their needs came before ours did. I feel so bad now and she is still trying to recover from all this. She is not as bad now as she was then, and through therapy, she is making progess. He had told her things about me she really didn't need to know. He did it to turn her against me. He even told her I didn't love her anymore. I didn't know that until I got her to fess up, and she was snapping at me several times.

Well, 8 months later, he really wanted me back and I saw what this was doing to Sofia and I was broke, and needed surgery.

So I stay, and live my life my way and he lives his way. I leave him alone as much as possible. My concentration is to myself and Sofia.

My shrink even told me this wouldn't be the right time to leave him because there is so much going on. But he emphasized the fact that I need to take care of myself. Both shrink and therapist are on the same page and have stated that they will be there for me and guide me.

Sorry for writing a long one. I guess I am just adding my experience to the "why don't you leave him?"

Back to Dianne's article. How do you guide anyone in the physical abusive situation when you understand it is not that easy to leave the husband? It would be nice to be able to help someone plan an escape. That would be a useful organization. What I mean escape, I mean taking the children and leaving a State. Changing identification, at least temporarily. I know this may sound far-fetched, but I am a believer in not just throwing ideas to someone, but offering your help, giving someone a solution. I am thinking along the lines of her and her children's life being in danger.

As for the shelters, I noticed there was absolutely nothing available for my situation. I might add, Virginia is not a very friendly divorce State for women.

(((HUGS)))
Cathi