I recently wrote this for a shelter newsletter and wanted to share it with all of you. Remember that this is from an emotional viewpoint and doesn't include police who don't help the victim, judges who make bad decisions, etc.


WHY DOES SHE STAY?


It’s a legitimate question, asked by those who don’t understand. If a woman is being abused, she’s free to walk out the door, never to return. This is common logic and especially if you have never been a victim of domestic violence.

Our first mistake is assuming a victim is thinking logically. We don’t understand that she is frightened, confused, dependent and carrying the burden of shame on her small shoulders. If she believes that she’s the cause of the violence, it’s also normal for her to feel that she’s the solution. If she can stay long enough, try hard enough, love him enough, then he will change and stop abusing her. Her daily life revolves around proving herself worthy of his compassion and caring.

She is also waiting for the man she first met and fell in love with to return. While blaming job stress, personal circumstances, alcohol and drugs, or even his family history for his outbursts, she remembers how he was when they first kissed. If the outside factors weren’t present, she would be able to once again be happy with him. She doesn’t understand that the “nice guy” was a façade and the abusive nature is the real essence of the man.

The fear of death if she leaves is very valid. When I suggested to my ex husband, a very abusive and angry man, that we should divorce, he told me that if I ever left him he would kill me. I knew he was capable of murdering me because he had demonstrated it many times. I was afraid to stay with him but even more frightened to leave. Statistics prove that a woman stands seven times the chance of being killed when she leaves. Battered women aren’t stupid—they don’t want to die!

One of the main problems with staying, besides the obvious danger is, the longer she remains, the more confused she becomes. If you look at the word “confused” the first part is con. She begins to con herself that he will change and he is conning her too. Combining this, she is no longer able to think clearly and accepts violence as something she deserves. Every time she is beaten, she tries harder to be what he demands rather than realizing abuse is nothing more than a choice he’s made.

It’s ironic that we have more shelters for animals in our country than safe havens for victims of domestic violence. But, I believe that the public looks upon animals as helpless and thinks battered women aren’t. They are helpless in their minds. They aren’t capable of thinking rationally when all of their energy is focused toward survival. They can’t concentrate on finding resources to help, finances to enable, or a hand to lift them up. They’re too busy meeting his requirements of the perfect woman.

I dissected the cycle of domestic violence (Tension Building-Explosion-Honeymoon) and discovered that the most important segment was found during the Honeymoon stage. I went back in time to when I was married to my abuser and using complete honesty, remembered how I felt, what he said, what actions were taking place and why I stayed. It was quite an eye-opening experience for me. Let me share it with you.

1. An abuser will normally buy the victim gifts during this stage. Mine was no different. Was this why I stayed? No.
2. He was showing remorse and sorrow. He cried and promised it would never happen again. Did I believe him? Only after the first episode. After the second time, I was becoming a part of a pattern along with him. To my present mindset, I was more of a volunteer, rather than a victim at this point in time.
3. Was it due to finances? No. I owned my own business and could easily move and find another place to live and support myself.
4. Was I afraid to be alone? Not really. I didn’t want to go through another divorce and the first time he beat me we had only been married one month. I believe I was more embarrassed than anything but it wasn’t the real reason I stayed with him and listened to his apology.

Let me explain to you what happens. Considering a victim has no control over her life and her words and actions are controlled by the abuser, when he’s crying and pleading for another chance, this is the only time in the relationship that she has a say. She feels a sense of power, although a false sense, that for this small time frame, she can make the decisions. Finally—she’s like a normal human being that is being taken seriously. Until one lives in this environment, it’s difficult to understand how meaningful a small amount of authority can be. During the Tension Building and Explosion stages, she isn’t able to respond with real emotions and tell him what she thinks or his anger will flare. There is no fear of abuse during the Honeymoon stage because he’s trying to prove something to her. If we remove the fear factor and add a small dose of power, it’s a very heady experience for her. It’s not something a victim is allowed to savor very often so it’s easy to understand how she can become addicted to this rare feeling.

Right after the Explosion and before the Honeymoon, is the best time to work with the victim. Reaching her before the apologies and tears can cause her to consider staying with him is the opportune moment to reach her with the truth. She can be directed on a new path before he has the chance to alter her direction and conviction. Time is of the essence because she’ll be desirous of the high she needs, which only he can provide.

We should also be aware of her need for validation. When he’s condemned her, he’s the only person who can take back the words and actions that have demeaned and hurt her so deeply. This is another reason she is pulled back into the cycle. She wants to hear him confess that he was wrong and the abuse wasn’t her fault. This always seems to be a strong point for women, even after they’ve left the abuser for good. “Why can’t he just admit that he was wrong?” I always remind her that it isn’t important for him to take responsibility for his actions because it won’t change the past, even if he does. But it’s very important for her to know the truth. And, the truth is that she didn’t cause the abuse and the best revenge is to live happily, something he said she’d never be able to do without him.

I’ve heard responses to the question, why does she stay and all of them are valid. “Don’t ask this of a woman because it victimizes her again.” Or, “Don’t ask why she stays but ask why he abuses her.” But, as a survivor I want to add my own response—“Don’t ask the victim something she doesn’t have the answer to. She doesn’t know why she stays because she lives in a world that is made up of lies, denial, guilt and confusion. Once she finally discovers the truth, she’s gone and will never return. All of the excuses she’s used for staying such as finances, love or children will fly out the window.” Like the Bible states, “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” She finally found her own truth.